What is High School?

Chapter Twelve: Junior Year: Big Changes

One big change was that Ruby and I are no longer friends. To make things clear I do not actually consider suicide as one of my options of escape. I did think about it, just what it would be like to be dead, but never in a million years would I actually hold a gun to my head, or swallow a bunch of pills, or slit my wrists or however you can kill yourself. It's not something that I will ever actually do.

There have been times and there are still times where I do feel suicidal, where I do feel as if I don't want to be alive. Where it seems like life is unbearable loop of distress and pain. But I love too many people. I love Brianna, I love Blair, I love Gabe, Sierra, Alli, Kiara, Liv, Hailey, Harold, and I still do love Ruby. On top of the fact that I know that Seth wouldn't want me to end it. He would tell me "Kick life in the ass. Fuck those people who are dragging you down dude" then he would offer his vape. Oh that boy.

None the less I am still negative, I turn to dark humor as a coping mechanism. Which is unhealthy I know but it is still something that I tend to do when I feel that I have hit rock bottom. A lot of this dark humor is about suicide and it is very often that I do this. So one day Ruby tells me that if I don't stop being so negative that I will lose her. This is the not the first time that she has threatened me with leaving if I didn't change. That's how she got me to stop pill popping (which started back up when we stopped being friends), but this time, in this situation I thought it wasn't fair. Because while she was telling me to stop being negative almost every night she was talking to me about her death and Seth's death. I was just barely able to move on.

I am by no means saying that we should forget Seth. Harold is Seth's brother, and we talk about him. In healthy doses, and only the positive as if he was just attending another school and we are sharing funny stories like there are more memories to make with him.

That is normal. It is normal to grieve. But it is very unfair to tell me to stop being negative when every single day you were shoving my best friends death down my throat. How did she think I felt? I had a class with him. I was attached to him by the hip. How did she think I felt waiting in front of the boy's locker room everyday, waiting for him to come out and he just never did. Because he couldn't. He's dead. He's gone. I was just barely able to accept that.

Now I have to accept all over again.

Thank's Ruby. Thanks for fucking me up all over again.

Changing the subject, over the summer I logged onto my secret Snapchat and texted a couple people. I told Brianna that I was "working on myself". Bettering myself, falling out of love with Blair, and then we would be something.

Then I saw her face on someone's story. She's coming back. She's in summer school. No one goes to summer school for shits and giggles. She's there because she was making up credits she didn't have time to make up during the year because she's gonna be a senior. I feel like I'm letting Brianna down.

I'm no better than I was when I left this year as a sophomore. I'm a bigger pill junkie, I'm so much angrier, so much more depressed. Even more in love with Blair. I was counting on her not being here, because I knew that she would just take up more of my heart. She was so beautiful in her button up and her hair straightened and pushed to the side. Her smile.

I missed her over the summer. I can't help that I fell in love with a woman. I cry over her every day. Because I'm in love with her, and I love her more everyday. I just want to be with her. Even if we broke up after a week cause she would never go for the fact that we can't hang out, I would still love her even after that. Like this is more than I love Adrianna, and if one of my friends is reading this book one day then you probably are wide eyed. At least the people who were with me through the Adrianna break up. I remember Britney stopped me from committing suicide. I loved her, and now...I love B more...Why? Why do I have to love her? Why can't I just forget her?

Word Count: 812

This is Blair

This is Alli

This is Liv

This is Sierra

And this is Hailey. I wouldn't be alive without them...