What is High School?

Chapter Thirteen: Junior Year: Love is Bull

I cry almost everyday now. I cry over the woman who owns my heart. I call her that because she is a woman, not some girl, or some bitch like I hear some call her. She is a beautiful woman. A woman that I cannot remove from my mind.

I think about her all the time. She was ripped away from me though. Leaving me feeling empty inside. Leaving me depressed. All I do now is drink and pop pills. I mean I was doing that before, but it is worse now.

My new thing that I'm constantly saying because I'm always butt hurt is that "love is bull. Don't fall in love".

Which it is. Love really is bull.

Love is a bit ironic. Love means "an intense feeling of deep affection" or "feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)" when really, all it does is cause pain. All I have felt since I've been in love with this woman is pain. I refuse to believe that she is causing that pain. No matter what people in my ear say. My best friend Gina told me something that made so much sense to me. She said "Blair doesn't deserve anything from you. You still love her even though she CHOSE to believe those asshats. If she loved you, like really loved you, then why would she listen to them instead of you? She let herself get brainwashed and you're letting her drag you down" and I remember just reading it over and over. She was right.

I still love Blair even after she cut me off. Because that's what love does to you. It makes you hold onto the people who you should probably let go. I'm not saying I should let her go out of some selfish feeling. I'm saying that I should let her go because I love her.

I want her to be free from everything all of the pain that I cause her.

Of all the bullshit I put her through. Love isn't always bull.

Sometimes it can be amazing and a wonderful experience.

Not for me though. Because I'm toxic.

Believe it or not I do love, and when I love someone I will be willing to kill another person over them. When I care, I care a lot. Even though it can get confusing when two of my friends hate each other.

Anyways, yeah. I'm toxic. When I get angry I blow up and tell people to go screw themselves, and then come back an hour later and expect everything to be alright. When I get angry I say things I don't mean. I have trouble confronting people when I'm mad at them. That's how I lost her. I scream and blow up and blame people for things that go bad in my life, but really at the end of the day it was my fault.

I should have never sent those things to David, maybe then he wouldn't have anything to tell Blair. I was angry. I wanted all of her attention. So I said things I didn't mean. Instead of pulling her to the side and saying "Hey, I feel like-" I just ran to someone to talk shit. I wish I never did that.

I lost the love of my life because I don't know when to shut up.

I lost the person I have been looking for all my life because I am an idiot.

Now she has moved onto someone else. I can't be mad at anyone but myself. But because I am me, I will continue to say "Love is Bull". Love is bull, not only that but it is ironic. Love is supposed to be the best feeling on earth...yet...it causes a worse pain than a bullet.

I love her. I won't stop saying that.

I love her.

I love her.

I love Blair.

Because I really do love her, and what I said was a mistake and meant nothing and I wish I could take it back. So I will keep saying it until she believes me, I love you Blair.

I really do.

But...Love is bull... 

Word Count: 694