illuminate s.m

[1.24] broken

broken

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     I feel like I'm about to die. My throat is sore and clenched in a way that makes it hard to breathe. I can't breathe. I feel like I'm about to die. I can't, no, oh god, I can't breathe. It's all too much.

My vision blurs and it seems like everything floats around me. Do I deserve this? Do I deserve all of the horrible things that have happened to me in my life? Yeah you do Adria. It's all your fault and you deserve it. God, does that mean that Shawn deserves it too? Shawn. What if he dies? What if everything that ever happened between us is gone by the time I see him next time? Or by the time I see his body... I can't live without him. I realise that now. I need him to help me through the dark that surrounds me. I need to feel his warmth and his hugs. His skin against mine. Lips against lips. I need him. I really do.

Car accident. Critical condition. He was alone, and I know that he was angry. It's all my fault! If I hadn't been a bitch about him hanging out with Julia we wouldn't have fought, and he would still be safe at home. All my fault. If he dies I basically just killed him. And his family, what will they think of me now? They probably don't know why it happened, but they have to know. How do you tell someone that you killed their son and brother because of your jealousy? They'll hate me and then-

"Adria! Hey, what's going on?!" Jas shakes my shoulders, but my vision is still blurry. I try to focus on her face, but it doesn't seem to help. I try to open my mouth, but I can't seem to form any words. My breath is ragged, and I feel the heartbeat in my throat. I try to steady my breathing and I only make it worse until I hear her voice reassuring me, "It'll be okay Adria. Look at me. Focus." I try but it's hard. Shawn. Oh my god he might die. My eyes flicker around, but I feel her hands guiding my face towards hers. "Focus on my voice. Breathe with me." I do as I am told and within a few minutes I feel my vision clearing and my breath steadying. Jas pulls me in for a hug and I hug her tightly back. As I look up I see that Nick, Magnus and my band all are standing behind us looking at us. They all look really concerned and I guess I understand because it's the first time this happens. Panic-attack. Not the usual stressing and anxiety that I know about. Worse. A panic-attack.

I pull away from Jas and as I look at her face I can feel the tears pressing at my eyes. "Now hun, would you like to tell me what's going on?" I feel the lump in my throat growing bigger again and I feel the tears finally streaming down my face.

I struggle but finally manage to get one word out, trying to make the others understand. "Shawn." As his name leaves my lips I feel my knees giving in and my body falling to the floor. The next few minutes passes in a blur and all I can think about is him. Jas keeps comforting me on the floor and apparently the others stand around talking. When Jasmine asks if I want to cancel the set I shake my head. "No. Just get me to Toronto as fast as- fast as we're finished." She nods and raises up looking at me to check if I want to stand up. I take her hand and raise up as I look around for my phone. I see that Nick has it in his hands and I start walking slowly over to him.

When I'm only a meter away he opens his arms and wraps them around me. "I called him after you dropped your phone. I'm so sorry hun. He'll be okay. And we'll take the jet straight after the show." I feel a few more tears run down my cheek and he brush them away when we part. After he hands me my phone back we walk to the dressing area to get ready, and never before has there been such a gloomy feeling over my crew.

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I step of the stage, less enthusiastic than usual but still with a slight rush from the massive crowd. I thought today that I'd cover Like to Be You as a sign that I support Shawn. Even though the fans don't know about the accident, they will soon, and I already know that pictures and videos of me crying during the song is already out there. It hurt singing his song with the girl I'm oh so jealous of, but I feel like it somehow makes a little bit up for how stupid I was.