illuminate s.m

[1.7] realisation

realisation

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     After maybe 10 minutes by cab we arrive at my hotel, and Shawn insists on paying for the cab. He doesn't let go of my hand as we make our way out of the car, into the hotel and towards the elevator. We stand in silence and as we reach my floor we go to the door without saying a word. I find my key card from my handbag and as soon as the doors open I step inside. When Shawn follows after I realise that he is still holding my hand but I can't find myself wanting to let go of him.

I walk over to the small sofa that overlooks one of the big windows in the hotel and I sit down. Shawn does as well, as he is linked together with me. We sit in silence for a minute or two before he speaks up. "You want to tell me about what happened in the car. You didn't do anything. It was just as if you were frozen." I take a deep breath and think whether or not to tell him the truth, but in the end, I find myself willing to share it with him.

"It happens every now and then when things seem too much to handle. I start stressing and it is like my body doesn't function while my brain is working on high speed. It's like overthinking but I don't know if I really do. I can't explain it, really." I look over at him as I finish explaining as best as I can.

"I know what you mean, I have it too. It feels like everything is just closing in on you, right?" I nod. "It isn't always that bad, but sometimes I find myself unable to breathe and the tears just roll down my face without really being able to control it. Other times it just feels like extreme stressing, and it might be noticeable but sometimes it isn't. It can be stressing about your health, albums, interviews, and something as simple as seeing someone I haven't seen for a little while." I look directly in his eyes and I find myself understanding everything he talks about except for the crying and breathing-problems. "It's called anxiety hun."

I feel the tears pricking at the back om my eyes and it's as if it's all starting again. Anxiety. Is that why you're like this? You know that is a mental illness. It means that you're not really sane. You can't let anyone know. Your crew will worry too much. Oh my. What would Nick and Jas say? And my mom? She would be so disappointed that this is what I've turned out to be. John wouldn't have been proud. Mom won't be proud. My fans. What if they leave me? They probably will after they realise what a fucked-up person you are.

I feel a hand touch my shoulder and that is what brings me out of it. I look towards Shawn. "Have you told anyone else about this?" I shake my head and I feel the tears brimming in my eyes once again. "Not even Nick or your mom?" I shake my head again. "You really should. And if you recognise what I told you about the solution is finding out how to live with it and how to deal with it in the best possible of ways. To me it actually helped just realising what it was and that I wasn't insane. It is scary yes and it can be a pain in the ass but I know that you can make it through this. I'll tell you, therapy might help for you, and it's worth trying but for me therapy, that is doing all the stuff that makes me forget about all of the things that can freak me out. You just have to find those things and places and it might help."

I look into his eyes and see deep concern, but also warmth and love. I feel a tear slide down my cheek but he brings his thumb up and wipes it away. As the tears start flowing in a steady stream I let out a choked sob. Shawn wraps his arms around my body and I feel his warmth radiating onto my body. "I-I just feel li-like all alone in this. I know I-I'm not but-but I feel like I am." The tears continue running down my cheeks as I try to take it all in.

"You're not alone Adria. You've got Nick and Jasmine, your mom, your crew, you've got so many people that are here for you." I have them but I feel like they don't understand me and what I'm dealing with. And I've already lost so many people in my life. My father. My brother. Most of my old friends. I feel like they all leave me. "And Adria, you've got me." I smile at his words and pull away to look at his face. The expression he holds is genuine and I feel like he really means it. Without thinking any further I bring him close to me again and I whisper a silent thank you.