illuminate s.m

[1.23] fuck you

fuck you

-:-:-:-

     I sit in my hotel room, waiting for Shawn to call me. We've both been busy and haven't talked in a few days, and I feel butterflies in my stomach, knowing that I will hear his voice soon enough. I grab myself a water bottle from the fridge and sit down on my bed, waiting for him to signal me. Soon, my phone starts vibrating and ringing. I pick it up without looking at the ID, eager to hear him. "Hi Shawn." I smile at him even though I know that he can't see my face through the phone.

"Hey hun. How are you?" His Canadian accent flows through my phone and a shiver runs down my spine. God, the things this man do to me. I struggle to open the water and put it down for a little.

"Hold on a sec, I'll put you on speaker." I say before I put him on speaker and place the phone on my bed. I then open my water as I answer his question. "Great! The shows are going well, and Gunnar is fun to have around. He likes to stick to my side at most times, but I think it's just nice to have someone my age I connect with here." I gulp down a few sips as soon as I open the bottle. "You? How's things coming up before tour?"

"Lots of practises and such. We have this whole plan with flowers backstage and everything, so that the fans really see the theme of the album." He speaks up, sounding really happy and proud.

"I think they already know that it's flowers..." I laugh at his idea just to joke with him.

"You ruin all my fun." I can just imagine him pouting at the other end of the line. He probably looks so cute right now, pouting at his phone. And hot. He always looks hot, at least in my opinion.

My joke worked to my pleasure. "I know, but you love me for it." I giggle as I say that, knowing that it's all just some kidding.

"Mhm."

He doesn't say more and that leaves a hanging silence for a few seconds. I usually enjoy the silence when I'm around him, but when we talk on the phone, I just want to hear him as much as possible, knowing that it doesn't last forever. "So, what else are you doing?" I ask to make him tell me more now that the joke is over.

"I'm going to the shop later today, and I'm going to go out with Brian." He says but doesn't seem all that enthusiastic to going out with his friend. I am about to ask him why when he cuts me off. "Oh, and Julia and I have been working on a new song. It's so good, but she's going to have it because it isn't really my thing, but I know you're going to love it." His voice is so enthusiastic and full of life that I nearly scrunch my nose at the sudden change in tone.

Julia. There she is again. It's always her. Or Hailey, but he doesn't really talk much with her after she got married to Justin. Now, it's all Julia. I wonder if they're a thing? Then what am I to him? I remember watching an interview when she said that she would gladly be with Shawn – saying that she is keen on him. She seems pretty perfect from what I hear Shawn saying, and I guess I can't stop him from being with her if that's what's going on.

"Julia huh..." I hesitate before saying something more. "You've been hanging a lot with her..."

"Yeah, she's my friend."

Should I ask? No, it'll only hurt you? But I really want to know. I'm in full discussion with my brain but decide on figuring this out. "Are you sure that's all you are?" I can hear how thin my voice sounds. How unsure I sound.

"Yeah, I'm sure!" He tries to reassure me, but there's a tone in his voice that still makes me wonder. Is he lying to me now? Would he do that?

After the last time he kept a secret from me, it's hard to know if he will do that again if it feels right for him, and I hate the uncertainty, and not knowing. It really pains me, but it's the truth, but he doesn't really know. "I'm not. I don't believe you."