illuminate s.m

[1.25] the healing process

the healing process

-:-:-:-

I'm awoken by a hand on my shoulder. I turn my head to see that it was Karen that woke me up. She smiles a tired smile at me, then says, "Good morning, sweetie." I reply with a similar greeting before I turn my head towards my boy again. The movement hurts like hell, but I'm not complaining, missing him hurts way more. He looks the same. I wonder if he has been awake during my nap? No, he can't possibly have been. I would have noticed if he moved. I'm neither a heavy or light sleeper, but I know I've been awake most of the night. Sleep didn't come very easily, and I think I have a good excuse for that.

Clearly, Karen can read my thoughts because she starts informing me again. "He hasn't been awake yet, but don't worry, he will wake up soon enough." I nod, with my head still turned towards him, and my eyes glued to his face. I hear the underlying tone in her voice, which shows me that she's scared of the same thing that I've been struggling with all night.

What if the doctors are wrong? And what if the trauma to his head is too much, and that it collapses after a little while? In my mind there are hundred possibilities of how this can go to hell. Hundreds of possibilities of how I can lose him? "It's nearly 11. You should go down and eat something." I'm kind of hungry because the last time I ate was in my dressing room once we got to the arena. Nothing has seemed to go down after that, and the thought of food sickens me. I'm sure the first bite will come up again no matter how good the food is. So, I shake my head, not wanting to leave Shawn either. Just think about all the things that can happen while you're not here.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying with him." I look at her, and I know that she sees the desperation in my eyes. She sighs and comes over to me again. She places a hand on my shoulder and looks at her son.

"I know you don't want to. You care too much to leave him here." I stay silent, making it known that she is right. "I once told you about the feelings between you two, and Shawn has told me where he stands." My gaze slips from the brunette and I lock my eyes with his mother wanting to hear where she's leading this. "Take a chance. It might turn out to be the best thing in your life."

We've started this conversation before, but it ended as soon as it begun. Now, I feel like I need to have it. to get it away just in case something happens. "But what if it doesn't work?" I voice out my fears. "What if our friendship falls apart because we get in too deep, but break? Then what?" She sighs. There is no right answer to this, which is why it is one of the hardest things to figure out.

"Then at least you tried. You made memories and had great experiences together. And you won't know if you don't try?" She tries to cheer me up. I nod slightly, still unsure. "I know you'll both regret it if you stay where you are now." She squeezes my shoulder again. "You can both save each other from losing your heads in the fame. Being with someone who understands is the most important thing in your place. I know that from seeing his career."

"I know." I pause and turn my head towards Shawn again. Then I admit what has been bugging me for a while. "I'm just so scared to get too attached, then lose him. I don't think I could have handled that."

She smiles at me knowingly. "Well, you certainly aren't healing anyone with not eating, so I suggest I go find food." I'm still hesitant on leaving and she knows. With a small sigh she steps towards the door and turns around one last time before leaving. "I hope you like turkey-sandwich and coffee."

-:-:-:-

The first day goes by slowly, and I barely leave the chair at Shawn's bedside. Only a few times have I left to go to the toilet or for 5 minutes fresh air outside. His family has been here all the time, but Aaliyah just went home with Manny for the night. Karen is sitting opposite of me holding her son's hand. The needles in his hand looks annoying and painful and the tubes in his nose and mouth don't look the best either.