illuminate s.m

[1.18] on the road again

on the road again

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     I wake up to my phone blowing up. There are usual snaps from my friends and a couple from relatives, text messages from Isak, Shawn and my mom and three missed facetime calls from Shawn. I quickly open my snaps first and there is not much going on except for Aaliyah and Nadine asking me about tour, knowing that I'm nervous about tonight's show. The first show on each tour is always the scariest one because you kind of set the bar for the rest of the tour, and as always, I don't want to disappoint my fans. I snap Aaliyah a picture of me hiding in my bedsheets, telling her about my fears and all the goods as well. Then I do the same with Nadine.

Isak's text is asking me about when I'll be home in London again, because he plans to take a trip with some of his friends and is wondering if we can possibly catch up. I check my calendar and see that those days are marked as possible interviews and other job-stuff. I tell him that I'll text him about that when I know of my situation. I quickly get an answer with a thumb up emoji.

Then I reply to my mom, about my day and tell her that I'll call in the morning. I end up facetiming Shawn because of his earlier attempts. When his face pops up on the screen, I see that he is very enthusiastic. "Hey!" It looks like he is sitting in his living room and I guess he wanted to talk if he is by himself.

"Hey." I answer less enthusiastic, still tired.

"So, what have you been up to today? And are you ready for the first show!?" Shawn is beaming, and I see how excited he is on my behalf, knowing how great touring is. His face is full of expectations to my answers, but before I can say anything I yawn. "Sorry, maybe I called too late?" I look at the clock, noticing that I haven't checked it and I freeze as I see the time. 01.00. Great. I crawl further under the covers, making sure that little of my naked body shows on the screen.

"It's okay. I thought it was morning, but I guess it's not. The jetlag is catching up on me I think." He still looks apologetic, and I feel bad for that. "Don't worry about me, and we had a last run through of the setlist today, and it went really well so I'm not too scared about that. Just the pressure you know, and I'm sacred that they want me to sing other songs."

"You'll be fine, I promise. You want to talk about something else?" I guess he sees that talking about it only makes me overthink it even more, so I nod my head. "Julia and I have been working on some songs and they're coming along great. You'll have to hear them sometime." I see a genuine smile playing on his lips. It makes me wonder if there is more to his happiness than just great music. I can't help but get a stinging feeling in my chest, like something is pinching at my heart. I start thinking back to what Karen said. I don't see it and honestly, I just think she sees something that isn't even there.

"Cool. You've been hanging a lot with her recently... Is there something going on between you two?" I try to make it sound like I'm joking, but I'm not sure if it works. In a way I don't want him to answer, in another way I want him to get rid of any suspicions of mine that he is seeing someone.

It's selfish of me to want him all to myself, but if your best friend started hanging out with other girls, you probably would be jealous too. It's all natural to be jealous. But why do I really want him all to myself? Is it so that he can't hurt me by leaving too?

"No, Adria... I don't like her. I... I would have told you." He hesitates as he speaks and at some point, he seems unsure of what to tell me. is it because he is hiding something from me? Maybe you aren't as close as you think you are after all. "How about you? Are you seeing anyone?"