This can't be happening

Ch 15

The pain is gone when I wake up, but my body still feels weak. There are congratulations and high fives. Drew and Brick do some handshake that they've perfected from childhood.

The guys all get gatorade and Cheetos. We sit around in the gym and relax. we're all on a high. I always feel like I'm on the top of the world after I finish a mission. The pressure is off, and I feel like the weight of the world is lifted off my shoulders.

Alex comes over to me. "Thank you for cooperating." He says in a whisper.

"I know when to be serious and I'm sorry you think I can't follow orders." my mood is ruined and I leave the small party. It's late anyway and I assume the guys will be going to sleep soon. I shower and dress warmly because I know it gets cold at night. I go to my roof and I'm almost seen by Derek, Landon, and Alex who are coming back to the apartments.

I lay down and watch the clouds cover up stars and then reveal them again.

"I thought you might be up here." Tristan gets situated next to me. "What did Alex say to you?"

"He was worried that I wouldn't follow orders. He warned be beforehand and thanked me afterwards."

"Ah. I see." We lay there awhile longer in silence, but then Tristan breaks the silence. "What else is wrong?"

"I don't know what I want anymore." I say before I think, but that's okay it's only Tristan, and I trust him more than anyone right now.

"You want to go back to Cornwall, but you like being part of a team, this team."

"Who wouldn't. You're all so charming and nice, and you trust me with all your secrets." Again my sarcasm turns a little rude.

"And there's the rest. You can't trust us."

"You can't trust me!" I accuse, and that is the real reason that I can't trust them.

"What if I trust you, and what if I trust you enough to tell you what Phoenix won't let us tell you?"

"I knew it was a secret specifically kept from me!" I sit up. I process things better when I'm not laying down.

Tristan also sits up. "So..."

"So I'd love to hear it." My response is automatic, but then I think about the reasons why Phoenix would keep something from me. "Wait." Need to know basis? He think's I can't handle it? It will put me back in Derek rehab? "What happens to you if you tell me?"

"Not sure, I never ignored a direct order before."

"But it has to be a big consequence. So why risk it now?"

"Because Phoenix never meant to keep this from you forever. I know you better than he does, and I think you should know now."

"What happens to me if you tell me?"

"You'll take awhile to process it, but it'll help you decide what you want."

"Will it end this. Being a partial member of the team."

"It might."

"I don't know if I'm ready for that." I say thinking of Cornwall's mission for me. I haven't found out anything to tell him, if I go back without it, I've failed.

"Well, you know yourself better than I do." Tristan says laying back down.

I lay back down next to him. It's not like myself to pass up on information that I want. Even if this information is something I can tell to Cornwall I still don't want to leave this team.

The next day Landon and I finished another stack of paperwork. I looked at what we had left, it's hard to tell how many days are left. We went quickly when we were alone, but with six guys walking around, talking, and messing with us we are slower. My estimate is two days. Then Alex calls us into the conference room.