going seventeen | seventeen

important [not clickbait lmhao]

[warning] drama
hi hello. it seems that jiro has officially snapped.

i just want everyone to know that i'm not at my best, especially right now as i'm writing this. i will continue this book without letting myself rest because honestly resting makes me even lonelier. my thoughts stray too far, and if i don't do anything to occupy my mind, who knows what i might do to myself? i want to die but i also don't. i would kill myself right away if no one would get hurt. but things don't go that way. i feel myself detached from the world physically, but still mentally associated to every essence of silence and chaos.

i have a confession to make as well. i haven't been taking my medicines much lately because there's this part of me who wants to just wait until everything gets worse. because maybe when it happens, my family will finally understand what i'm going through. because that's just how things go, right? no one will notice until something bad happens. also, i am afraid to be dependent on medicines to help boost my appetite or make me sleep at night. i know, it's stupid.

the fact that i still want to live somehow scares me. how does everyone else make it out alive anyway? i don't even fucking know how i'm still here when everyday, the thought of dying is there in my head, just waiting for me to fucking pull the trigger. which i won't do. hopefully. i promise all of you that even if i say countless times that i want to die, i won't do it. promises are fragile things built on uncertainty but i will hold on to my words.

i know life will be so much better if i had confidence and if i could drop all my fears. unfortunately, i can't do those. it may seem like i'm happy and feeling really blessed with every single compliment or praise i get. i mean yes i feel happy and thankful to be appreciated but i actually feel really fucking insecure about my art and writing, even my dancing skills. i'm not gonna make this longer ugh. do i look like i'm overreacting now? i hope not.

i'm tired. anyway, please don't worry too!! much!! about me. hopefully, i will be okay. take care of yourselves aaaa i love all of you! maybe every once in a while i'd do stuff like this just so i can be more open and connected to y'all. if it's okay. have a great day! 💕

-jiro