Floating on Daydreams

Sword (warning: This is a rant..or something like one, anyway)

I realized today that no matter how much I try to shield people from pain, they end up in a situation where they are hurt anyway. And the cause of that, most often, is me. 

They might deny it, but eventually, it all boils down to this: I cause misery. It's in my nature, and it runs in my veins, instead of blood that was probably never there in the first place.

I'm not saying that I'm a sadist who uses people and then discards them. No, that's the opposite of what I strive to be--someone who can alleviate the pain, the sadness, the hurt that enshrouds those she cares about, someone who can protect them from anything or anyone who might cause them to be upset.

 I've been deluding myself, thinking that I'll be able to change the way I am and the effect I have on the people I love. Every single time I start over, I assure myself that this time, things will be different. This time, no one will have to get hurt. I'm always wrong. 

A friend of mine told me that I blame myself for things too easily. I don't. I accept my nature, and you know what? If you choose to stay my friend after this, you're staying at your own risk. I cannot promise you that you won't be hurt; in fact, the only thing I can say for sure is that you will at some point definitely be hurt by me. I'm not going to try and hide that anymore. 

I am a sword that only knows to sever the ties between people I care about and their happiness. I am a sword that draws blood from people without wanting or intending to.  But that is a sword's purpose, and no matter how much I try, I cannot escape the one thing that defines me.

So now I'm saying sorry to all those I've hurt before, and I'm apologizing in advance for all the pain I know I'm going to cause in the future. I'm sorry for the people that I love, because they'll have it worst of all unless they choose to leave, and I'm sorry that I've given up on trying to be someone I'm not.

Lastly, I'm sorry if I've upset you by writing this and posting it online so you could read it, but if you've read it the whole way through, you'll know that I'm only doing what I'm best at: causing another person to be unhappy.