Floating on Daydreams

Shield (Rant) (I'm venting, sorry, it's kind of harsh)

You promised.

You agreed not to do it. You did it anyway.

Now you're apologizing. What do you want me to say? That I'm happy about it? I. Am. Not. Happy.

You say that it helped you. That doesn't justify it. I trusted that you wouldn't do it.

Remember how I told you that we were all dominoes? If one of us fell, the others  would fall too. It doesn't matter, does it?

One person's already distant. Now you've gone and done that. I can feel us falling apart and splitting at the seams. 

You're asking if I'm alright. No, I'm not. You promised to call. And you didn't.

I don't hate you. Quite the opposite, actually. I'm just... Confused. Terrified of what's going to happen. Lost. Broken. 

Maybe I shouldn't care so much. But I do. And that's why I'm crying. Screaming. Dying. Spiralling downwards. Feeling the need to do that myself. Sitting in a corner with my knees up against my chest, shaking.

I guess I don't have the moral authority to be mad. It's your life anyway, right? And it's not like I haven't done what you did. I have. But I stopped. Because you asked me to. That's why I'm upset.

You say you didn't want for me to see you cry. So, what then? You'd rather hurt me instead?

You seem to have sorted everything out. Not with my help. By doing that. Now you say you've spoken to another friend of ours. I'm glad you found it in yourself to talk to somebody.

But I'm not going to lie. It stings. Like you hurt me while hurting yourself.  

You say you didn't want to put me through having to talk about  that. I suppose I can understand that. 

I can't be there for you if you don't let me. I think that's what I'm trying to say. 

I can't fix you. And I'm not going to try, because you're not a piece of machinery. All I can do is remind you that every time you do that, it feels like you're doing it to me as well. You're accountable. That's all. 

I promise I'll try and shield you from whatever or whoever it is that's making you do this to yourself.  But I'm not promising anything else. And all those other promises I made to all those other people? I honestly don't see any reason for them to hold now. I love everybody who tried to help, but from now on, I'm making my own decisions.

I'm not a puppet anymore.

Okay, I'm done. I promise it's not as morbid as it sounds :)

Dedicated to syrabite, but not written for her. She's just a nice girl who followed me and then gave me a whole buch of notifs. It's written for a friend. Someone I love to the moon and back.

 And I'm already over what she did. I just really needed to vent.