EVERY BREATH

E L E V E N

I walk out of the veterinary clinic and begin to walk toward the school because James texted me to meet him at "our" spot. I wonder what he wants too talk about. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm pregnant so I'm mentally preparing myself.

I picked out a couple of names for my baby. If it's a boy I'm naming him Ethan James or Rafael Antonio. If it's a girl I'm naming her rose lively or Khloe. I don't know what it is yet but in less than a month I'll know what gender my baby is.

I get to the school and start to get nervous I don't know why but I do. I want to see him. I want to kiss him. I want to hug him and never let him go. I wish I could fix everything but I can't if he's not willing to let me help him. I get to the bleachers and look at him until he notices me. When he does I walk closer to him.

"Lily" he says warmly with a smile.

"James" I mock and he gives me a goofy smiles. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss his goofy smile. I love him so much I wish I could kiss that goofy smile of his.

"I've missed you babe" he says while getting close in my face. All I do is sigh because I can't egg him on. "I do, ever since I've stop seeing you I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm a mess. Please believe me babe all I ever do is think about you. I wish I could be alone with you every day of the week shit every day of the year" he says and grabs my waist so now he's even closer than before.

I begin to cry and hug him because I want him so badly but things always get in the way. He hugs me tightly and whispers a sorry into my ear without letting go of me. "You know that all I ever want is you, but you always push me away and then pull me close. Your the one playing all these games with me and I can't take it James my heart aches for you but you don't care" I cry.

"I do baby but Alex is the one that always get in the way. Why are you around him so much. I thought you hated him" he says.

"I did. Not any more though. Hes the only one that's been there for me. We've bonded and he asked me if we could... Nevermind I'm getting of track" I say.

"No tell me. What did he ask you?" He ask.

"He ask me to make a deal with him. He takes care of me and I give him a chance..." I say.

"You're not going to it accept right?" He says.

"I don't know yet I have so much on my mind right now you wouldn't understand" I say.

"Really, you think I don't understand what you're going through. I know you better than anyone don't come at me with that shit lily" he says irritated.

"What do you want? I need to go home" I say dismissing what he just said.

"Uhm, I'm getting married" he says while scratching the back of his neck. I don't even know how to answer him. If he gets married there's no way I'll get him back. There's no way I could look at him the same.

"I hate you so much right now. You know why? No you don't. You put me through so much, and you're just going to stand there like an idiot and tell me you're getting married. Fuck you. I hate you even more because I can't seem to get you out of my stupid heart. I love you so much it literally pains me to think about you. I cry everyday praying to God asking him to make it easier for us to be together. I hate you because even though you have hurt me so many times I always think you'll do better. I always forgive you, because I'm stupid enough to think that maybe just maybe you'll see how much I suffer for you, and you'll change for me" I say furiously.

"You can't stand there and tell me I don't try and make this work. I have always tried so fucking hard to make this relationship work. You're the only women in this fucking world that I love. Im always thinking about you. I always put you first but you always ignore the fact that I fight for you. I love you so fucken much and I never thought that it would be possible for me to find you but I did. I walk through hell and back for you. I smile out of fucken no where. why!? Because I constantly thinking about your precious smile baby. I wake up every fucken day because of you. I work twice as hard compared to everyone because I'm trying to build a future that I can share with you. Yeah my job isn't good but life put me in this situation. I don't ever complain or make excuses because I know at the end of the day, I have you to give thanks for, so don't come at me with that shit lily" he says. He sounds really hurt. I hug him as tight as I can because I don't know when I'll get the chance again.

"You can't get married" I say pulling away.

"I don't have a choice" he says looking at me.

"Of course you do. Why are you so stubborn? Why can't you just be mine James?" I cry out.

"If I don't marry her, her father will kill you" he says in a mere whisper.

"I don't understand. How does he know of me? No one ever saw us together" I say.

"Your brother made a bad decision. He thought if he told Luna's dad about us he would kill me but instead he wanted to go after you. So your brother asked me for help and we came to an agreement if I married his daughter he would spare your life" he says.

"James's you still can't get married" I say confused.

"Lily I'm not risking your life for anything" he says.

"James you don't get it! I'm pregnant" I say.

"Are you serious?" He asks with a huge smile on his face.

"Yes, there's a mini you inside of me and I'm sorry but I'm making you choose me or her" I say.

"Lily I already explained it to you and especially now knowing you have my baby in there I'm not letting them touch you" he says.

"We can leave. Go somewhere else. Somewhere they won't find us" I say.

"You don't get it lily. He'll find out no matter what. He'll keep his promise. I can't put you at risk" he says.

"Then I'm sorry because I can't do this anymore. I can't be near you if I can't have you James. I can't pretend I don't want you" I say.

"I do shit I don't want to for you. I'm fucking suffering here too lily, you think I want to push you away no I don't. I'm trying here why don't you fucking see that. I'm trying to keep you and my baby alive, and if you can't take the distance than I'm sorry. I'm not going to be selfish this time. I'm not going to be with you because I want our baby to grow and be happy. I want to see that little sucker, I want to see it grow up and be happy. I'm sacrificing my happiness for his or her happiness. I still want to see you. I still want you to be part of my life even if I can't have you so please stay" he says.

"I don't know what to do James I'm 17 trying to figure my life out, and out of nowhere I find out I'm pregnant. I'm so lost and all I know is that I love you, and if we can't be together I still want you to be part of my life. It's going to hurt me seeing you with someone else. I'm going to make my life without you by my side. I'm going to have this baby, and I'm going to move on. I will stay and go to college. You will always be part of my life James. I love you and no words can express how much you mean to me. You're all I know and as sad as it is I have to learn to live without you. I know that neither of us will ever be in love with another, but we have to at least learn to love someone else." I tell him with tears rolling down my cheeks.I hug him and he hugs me tightly. I know this is our good bye. I start to cry when he pulls away. "Please, don't go" I beg with tears spilling out. I knew that this love wasn't meant to be the second we met 4 years ago. I never want him to let go of me. I want to stay in his arms forever.

He pulls me back into his arms and says "I will always have you in my heart, because even though this love wasn't meant to be we fought through it with all we had in us, and because of that love we made a little person that will always be proof of our love. I just want to thank you for all the laughs, fights, and long nights. You were there for me when everyone had given up on me. You are the reason my fucked up world has any color in it. You are the only one that makes me nervous, laugh/smile, and cry. You make me feel all these emotions I never thought I could feel.You have given me a purpose in life. You are the only person I will ever be in love with lily. You and that baby will always have my heart. No one in this fucked up world will ever but I mean ever replace you two" and with that he kisses me. This kiss is so different from all the rest. I can feel the pain in it. I can feel him dissolving in it. I can feel the rage he feels. I can taste the sweet good bye with it.