EVERY BREATH

E I G H T E E N

Alex comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me. I put Elijah down for his nap and turn around.

"I have to talk to you" I say gently pushing him off, but he doesn't comply. "It's serious Alex" I say.

"What?" He says and I walk out of the nursery. He follows and I turn around.

"I need to leave. I can't stay here. I feel like everything is falling down and I just damage it even more as I try to fix it. I'm hurting you and I see that" I say.

"Youre leaving me?" He asks surprised.

"I just can't keep hurting you Alex. You've done so much it's not fair for me to stay" I say.

"It's not fair if you leave. I promise you I will be in more pain if you leave me. You've shown me more love than anyone has ever. Just you showing up last week to save my life was more than enough proof. You didn't have to stay and help me then, but you did. You can't stand here and tell me that you're hurting me if you have given me so much" he says grabbing me.

"Then why did you go? Then why did you hurt yourself like that? Huh" I say and I'm holding my tears back remember how bad he was.

"I don't know. I was stupid and I wasn't thinking straight. I just felt so alone and usually I know how to handle it, but I couldn't this time" he says.

"What are you talking about?" I ask.

"Nothing can you please tell me what's going on?" He asks.

"I already told you Alex. I can't be with you or anyone else right now. I need some time to myself and I don't want to keep leading you on. It's not right of my part" I tell him.

"What do you mean keep leading me on?" He asks. He's mad I see it in his eyes.

"I can't stay in your life anymore I need to leave. I'm no help to anyone right now. I need to learn how to be alone. I need to feel free and happy. I need to focus on Elijah. I can't handle it anymore Alex all these lies are driving me crazy. I'm constantly stressed because I'm hurting you I know it" I say.

"No it's not okay. You can't just come into my life and decide you just want to leave. That's not okay I have put so much of my time and effort to not ruin this like I do with everything. Fuck! I'm known to not care about anyone or to forgive anyone. I have shown you who I really am. I broke down my walls for you. I treat you right, never in my life have I ever loved someone so much lily. The sad part is I thought that if I showed you that I wasn't the way everyone put me out to be that you would stay. I like you because I've never had anyone dedicate so much time to me. I like you because no one ever asked me how I was or what i like to do. You were there for me. You showed me how it felt to be noticed and cared for. You can't just leave and hope for the best. I can't just let you walk out because I'm afraid I won't survive with out you. I'm used to talking to you about everything and anything. I'm used to laughing with you. I'm used to your friendship. You are my everything. I need you to stay even if it means being friends, because you have all this love and joy I need in my life. You literally put color in my life everyday. You make me laugh with your randomness. You make me burst with joy just by looking at me. You make me feel warm on the coldest of days. I just love you as a person so please stay" he says and I'm still crying. He's the sweetest guy ever I can't help but feel great ful to have him. I hug him as tight as I possibly can.

"I really tried falling in love with you I promise. I just can't seem to get someone out of my heart and I have tried so hard. You make me so happy and let me forget my troubles. You give me the best advice. I love you so much. I feel like you don't love me in that way either, because everytime we were close to making love you'd freak out. I feel like part of the reason is because just maybe you're not interested in me that way. I know there's something you're not telling m so just spit it out already" I say in all honesty and he laughs.

He shakes his head and gets nervous. "I'm... gay. I always felt that no one would take me seriously if I ever came out. I was scared to tell you because you were the only one that has ever understood me. I was scared of losing you" he says and I kiss his cheek and hug him.

"Oh Alex I love you so so much. Please never change" I say crying and hugging him for what feels like the hundredths time.

"I love you more than anything and everything lily, and for you I promise never to change" he says hugging me back.

"I never ever suspected that you were gay Alex" I say.

"I learned to hide if very well. My dad would beat me and say I wasn't a real man. He would constantly tell me that I was doing it just to mock him. He said that if I ever said anything he would kill me" he says.

"I hope you know I would never judge you Alex" I say smiling.

"I know that now" he says.

"I'm confused as to why you're berly telling me this now" I say.

"I didn't want to lose the only person in the world who listens to me, and loves me the way you do just because you think I only want you to be my girlfriend. I wanted you to stay because I really enjoy you as a person" he says.