Undecided (Unedited)

Preaches of love

I wake up on Saturday morning . My knuckles still swollen and sore from what happened two days ago . Long story short I ended up punching the mirror.  Dumb right ,but I couldn't take it . My sanity slipped. Me and my dad never were close but when death thought it was okay to seduce him and pull him into her sanctuary ,a bed of roses ...I lost it all .
He was never coming back . The tears my mother cried made very little sense . I thought they hated each other . On some nights I would hear them yell at each other thinking me and my sister were asleep but forgetting that they'd wake us up . And then one day it happened . On a cold afternoon when rain clouds gathered high in the sky and the sky began to rumble my father came home and started packing his bags .He didn't say a word ,he didn't even look at me and then he walked out the door without even saying good bye . Years later he contacted mom and told her he wanted to see us. I was livid so I said no but at some point I could no longer bear the emptiness that held my heart hostage so I agreed . Things have never been the same ever since so the best thing to do is forget instead .

After taking a bath I pull my black long sleeve dress over my head and I adjust it all the way down . I slip into my black pumps and I comb my hair backwards . As I head downstairs my mother is already waiting to take us to the church . Her eyes puffy and red ,she's been crying ever since and I haven't shed a tear . The only tears I shed was the crimson liquid that dripped on the floor after punching the glass mirror that cut deep into my skin . She even blamed herself for that .

"Come on we'll be late ", my sister said . She too had tears in her eyes and I felt numb so numb that the tears refused to fall.
I hurried into the car and  soon the car was moving heading to the church. I was internally exhausted afraid of seeing all those family members that would try so hard to comfort us but leave a bigger hole in our hearts because I've always felt like they didn't care .
The whole week has been a drag with the funeral arrangements and school and Haley and Stefanie ...every damn thing is a big damn mess .
I isolated myself from everything. I crept inside my room with the sole intention of being invisible to the world ,to her and even to myself .
I haven't spoken to Haley ever since the ...kiss and I've been avoiding Stefanie ever since she told me was the walking dead . So here I am . Did I mention I had to write a eulogy for my father's funeral.

" Hunny ,we're here ",my mother's weak voice said pulling me out of my trance . I got out of the car and as I walked to the church doors my aunt Rachel came over hugging first my mother and then my sister and then me .

" You're going to be alright ,baby ",she said pushing a smile onto her lips trying to hide her sadness and reassure me but only reassuring herself .
It wasn't going to be alright ...not now at least .

I nodded at her once before passing to go inside . I took a seat in front . My father's coffin open wide for everyone to see ,it was shacking and scary .
While the mumbles and cries started calming and quieting the rest of my family joined for a seat and the preacher got  stood in front .

" We are gathered here today to say goodbye to a brother ,a friend,a father and husband . Alexandra Reynolds lived for a good forty eight years and now finally he  goes home to rest in the presence of his Father ,his Creator the Lord Almighty. "

I zoned out I stared at the picture of my dad placed nicely next to his coffin .
Did they even know who he was ?
How he wasn't afraid to turn his back on his seed and expect someone else to grow the fruit of a tree he planted . They don't know how he hurt me how he broke down the one thing that made me happy . But here we are paying tribute to him ....life's messed up .

My sister nudged me with her elbow and I was surprised so I looked at her . Her eyes were tearful but after seeing them that way for a week I had grown used to the sight of sadness, it surrounded me .
"What's wrong ?", I whispered to her with a concerned tone.

" Its time for the eulogy ",she said her eyes leading toward the podium ahead . I nodded although inwardly I was nervous and shocked that it was time already . I grabbed a piece of paper from my purse and I walked up to the podium feeling those eyes burn my back and my mother's tears begin to fall from her eyes because although it was a soundless experience the weight in those tears as they hit the ground left me shaken .

I faced everyone. They wore black and the sadness on their faces could not be described. I glanced at my dad's picture . He was smiling and seemed a lot happier in that picture .
I began unfolding the paper and the words on it boldly standing out waiting to be said .

I cleared my throat and started ," I don't remember knowing a person as brave as my  father . He made choices so boldly and he was ready to stand up for what ever he believed in . He was a fighter . He wasn't afraid to walk out the door and hurt a crowd of people because it was his decision and he respected his mind and he followed it . Many people don't have what he had . They follow without question ,coward away with the harsh talks and they run with fear . Not even I am that brave . So I want to acknowledge my father for his strong character because he was who he was and although many people  despised him for it ,I loved him for it . He showed me  how to fight  and never let anything get in the way of my happiness because he didn't let anyone get in the way of his . I wish he lived longer to see what great warriors he trained . A wise man once said' Forgiveness is the fragrance the flower leaves on the heel of the one who crushed it' .I forgave him ,I hope everyone does too  . Rest in peace dad . "