Undecided (Unedited)

wildlings

slid to the floor and we sat comfortably on the floor by the door with our legs tangled in reached other's and our hands in each other . We hadn't said anything to each other since .I could hear the sound of our breathing .

"Please tell me why ?", I asked gently

She didn't say anything or moved so I thought that she might not want to talk about it . But I was still deeply worried.

" Haley. I'm scared ",I begged

She sat up and looked into my eyes .

" I know ,but I'm here . But sometimes I feel like I'm not so I want remind myself that I am  . You run away from me like you can't be there with me  and I don't know what to do when I see the fear creep into your eyes like a snake destroying the happiness that should be there . I don't know what to do when the fear becomes the only thing that consumes you . ", her hands cupped my cheeks . " I'm also scared just don't be scared alone . I'll be scared with you. "

"And what if the fear is what will consume us . what then becomes of the love we have planted .",I cry

" We're like the rose that grew from concrete . Just believe in us ."

"And how long before someone notices this peculiar growth . Will our rose survive"

"We're strong enough to grow anywhere . Just have faith in me,in us "

"And while I built faith from tender clouds how long will you continue to rain through it with crimson train tracks that you build on your body . And what if you cut too deep causing your heart to stop dead and leave me broken . What then ? Do I just hope that the flower will continue to live even without water after being deprived of needful nutrients ?"

She fell silent. Her eyes dropping to the ground.

"I will never"

"The only problem is that those aren't the words I want to hear"

We both fell silent trapped in the vortex of our sorrow , the cruelty of having to live unhappily and love so graciously . Its exhausting. Its the sickness of having to breath when you're about to shatter into what seems like a million and one pieces ,not that I'm counting but right now I fell like broken glass . Its all countless and useless and breaking me further than what I already am .

"I'll stop ", she said putting my hand in hers . Her eyes were unsure but her voice was full of determination and all the same she went on to show her love . I pulled her into a tight hug and held her close .

*later
We were sitting on her bed going through Netflix looking for something to watch and then I asked.

" How long have you been cutting?"

Her breath hitched and her body tensed instantly as if readying herself for a battle. The air grew a bit thicker. . We had been having a conversation all along about how she'd been bullied as a child and later on she suffered server depression. Then after discovering her sexuality she shut herself out from the world because she couldn't take it no more .
Her eyes moved from the laptop to the floor and everywhere else but my eyes .

"I'd only cut after recent events ", her voice carried not much emotion.

" Other than that never "

She nodded her head swiftly.

I brought my head closer to hers and found her lips in the process . As she lifted the device of her lap without even looking and brought body closer to mine . 
Her hands roamed my body lightly and mine did the same to her . At some point I heard her moan.

We broke apart for air . Looking into each other's eyes . We were perfect.

"Take off your shirt,please", I whispered . I had concluded that she'd lied to me and now I had to follow my gut feeling so I could help her. I'd seen her in shorts a couple of times but that didn't stop anyone before .

Her eyes widened ,eyebrows lifted but all I did was smirk.

She laughed humorlessly  ," Is it too early to be having sex and all "

"Who said I wanted to have sex with you. I just you to take off you shirt ."

"Why ?"

"Just wanna show you something "

"I don't want to"

"Fine "

"Fine?"

"Yeah  ,its fine . "

"I don't get it "

"I asked you to take off your clothes and you said no . What's there to get ?"

"But you didn't tell me why "

She laid on her back and I got on top of her and I brought my body fully onto hers.
I lowered my lips to her ear ,"Because .." I whispered and brought my lips to her lips as I began to kiss her .
She couldn't resist as the chains she held back loosened instantly . The ground she stood on shook  from desire and she held on to me alone and I held onto her.  I relinquished power and somehow so did she . We sunk deep into ourselves and we tapped into our hidden desires.
She tugged at my shirt and her hand crawled under it finding my skin as she began to pull it up and soon over my head. 

"You look beautiful", she said to me as our eyes met for those seconds .
Before she could realise we were in each others arms wrapped in our own world where no one could harm us.
When her shirt lifted over her head I saw beauty and destruction carved and painted on one canvas .

My eyes fell on the scarred flesh. Brown lines showing faded cuts . The short and long lines that ran across her stomach ,ribs and a few over the part of her breasts that weren't covered by her blue bra.
My hands covered my lips and instantly she realized that she'd betrayed herself while she lost herself in crazy desire.
She got off the bed and struggled to get back in her shirt .

" You lied ",I whispered so low as if I was afraid the air around us wouldn't spear me either .

" You tricked me!",she yelled and the anger in her voice so evident

"Haley. Why'd cut there ",I said 

" Because my mom has a thing with making me wear skirts but she'd never let me wear a crop top ."

I stood from the bed still shirtless and only in a bra and jeans .
I approached her .

"I love you . I'm just scared I'll lose you when I've just won you " , I said cupping her face and looking into her tearing ,hurt eyes .

"I love you ,Haley "