Undecided (Unedited)

Filling up

I won't say it was easy moving past the history and the present that filled with unhappy ,traumatic and undeniable difficult situations . And for the past few weeks it seems that I had to learn how to breath again ,how to walk over the circumstances and live . The world isn't a wish granting factory and unfortunately for me ,the world doesn't even wanna listen the weak heartbeats that sound like agony . I had to find Rose and somehow I had to learn to accept her without conditions and attachments. The same sort of love that comes with hate.  I don't want to be the truth that was lying on her bed six months or so ago ,I want to be the truth that I will never have to adjust . As I look out the window as dawn threatens and the sky wants to brighten ,the morning joggers hit the road . I can't say I miss the old me . I lost a lot ,more than the sky and heavens could begin to imagine . So many tines I've contemplated death suicide ,running away  everything bad and worst because maybe now I feel exhaustion creep under my skin and my heart tightens and the air in my throat begins to stop and suffocate me.  I am not willing to live a lie and give up .
"God help me "
Its frustrating and it drives me mad every time I even think about it .
The sun threatens to break through and soon enough I will have to face the world once again with a smile ,an undecided identity and a heart boiling with multiple emotion that causes my shaking body want to melt into the ground but it suddenly pauses and stops at the taught of another. A lover . How could fate play cruel games with my heart like I'm not Human . I hate fairy tales but I can't help but think that somehow I'm living one ,everyone's living one except its a different one every time with different endings and understanding . Sometimes you don't need a prince charming ,sometimes you need a princess. But most importantly you can't let anyone strip you off your crown and steal your kingdom . See , your palace of happiness rests in a perception and maybe if you embraced the circumstances around you and began to work on them you'll find the answer.
My friend says I'm too fucken optimistic and that its irritating. Living life and somehow believing and looking on the other side of life constantly . I haven't denied it but I feel like maybe it you perceived it better then you won't have to sink into the negative and let it bother you until it begins to eat ,feed on you happiness and joy and leave you nothing but a weak and angy feel in life when its not even worth it . Optimism is understanding that the dictionary definition of life omitted the fact that life can be a bitch ,that life has its ups ,down and upsidedown moments.  It forgot to tell everyone that life works in mysterious ways that you may not agree with but have no power over so you're forced to live and go with the flow . It omitted an important detail that life maybe betray you ,chew you up and spit you out like a piece of trash but of course life on its own didn't even think to create a good guide for survival so everyone has to make themselves one . And mine us called optimism ,coloured with rainbows that say that I have and will survive the rain and sprinkled with silver stars that say that I will always have hope even when the moon chooses to fade out ,I will have light and hope no matter how small even I feel like burning out . My optimism will be like the ocean ,never ending and mysterious ,unknown to everyone where it will end and so deep no one can reach the bottom . Most importantly my optimism will be like the sun ,warm and full of faith because somehow it gives life and its essential so that I never dream of giving up even on life .
The walls area closing and the sky just doesn't want to open up but I am making it through the rain .
"Rose !", my mother knocks at the door .
A timid smile creeps onto my face because although she can't see it  ,I want her to know that no matter the storm that's coming she's going to have hold onto because the last six months were just a drizzle and even though the rainbow is peaking out ,it isn't going to stay around much longer . Something bigger is coming and I want her to be strong for me .
I breath in as I approach the door ...The calm before the storm .

Ready .....set ....