Undecided (Unedited)

Earthly

By the time we got to the graveyard everyone was tearful except for me . I had somewhat held up long enough for everyone to start giving me peculiar looks as if they were waiting for an opportunity to ask me if I've always wanted my father dead .
So as everyone gathered around as the priest said a prayer I sat there my head bowed and eyes closed and when everyone said Amen I opened them . The coffin started lowering into the ground and the cries grew exponentially. I couldn't bear it ,seeing life's darkest side ,death . it consumed people into the ground without remorse and it didn't leave a trace . I would never see him again   I wouldn't hear his irritating scream as he shouted at my mother or his soft tone when he'd apologise to her the next morning . I would no longer feel his arms wrap my body when I feel down and tried . I froze . My body stood rigid planted firmly into the ground and suddenly I just looked at the ground consume someone I loved dearly . People started throwing handfuls of sand into the hole in the ground that was now my father's body's home.  I felt hallow ,empty and without emotion.  There were too many emotions to feel so I guess my heart gave up on trying to feel anything  which is also why I hadn't been able to cry no matter how much I wanted the tears to fall .

"Rose ,its time to go ",someone said to me .Their hand on my shoulder.  I turned around and I saw those green eyes.  I blinked twice ,I was shocked and soon enough a smile spread across her face with so much empathy.  I pulled her into a tight hug  and her arms wrapped around my body and she holds me tighter bringing her body closer allowing warmth to flow through our safe circle . I breathed in and her scent fills my nose . I held on to her for dear life just then ,ceasing the moment. 

" I'm so sorry about your dad ",she whispered into my ear .

I pulled back and I stepped back remembering where I was . The entire place was almost empty ,I guess my mom thought to leave me alone for a while . The sun was about to set .
I smile at her and we started walking in silence .

" I heard you say the eulogy . It was beautiful ",she finally broke the silence .

I kept quiet and we kept walking in silence after that . She was walking me home . As we passed a couple of streets the streetlights began flickering to life illuminating the area and soon enough the stars crept into view one by one .

As I admired the beauty of the streets Haley interrupts and says," Listen Rosalia ", she stops walking and she stands in front of me . The street is silent and a car passes by once in a while .
" I know this is the wrong time to talk about this ...-" ,she begins and I interject ," Then why are you talking about it when you know its the wrong time ".

She falls silent for awhile and then she looks to the ground as if she's unsure about what she wants to say .
I tilt my head and closely analyse her features. Her beautifully long lashes almost brush her cheeks and her hair falls peacefully at her shoulders.

When she's finally sure she says ," Because ,you walked out on me and I want you to know that I want this ",she takes my hands in hers and she breaths looking me in the eyes and allowing more emotion to burden her voice as she speaks  ," Because I want you and I want to show you a world with colour ,I want to be your shoulder to cry on ,Rosalia . I  just want you . "

I want grab her body and kiss those lips but I don't because when I look into her eyes I see my reflection and the girl is back whispering fear to me through her eyes . I pull my hands away from hers just so I don't have to look into that girl's eyes so I face the other way and my back is towards her . perhaps if she can't see me she can't say anything to me .

"It's not that easy ", I whisper.

I can hear her steps come closer but they stop right behind me .

" It's not complicated either Rose..-",I don't let her finish her sentence .

"It is complicated .There are so many people and so many emotions involved that make it so complicated . Its way above complicated ",I'm raising my voice because somehow my anger is slipping and its not even towards her ," My whole life is complicated and no matter what I do I can't just make decisions ". I remember what I said about my dad this morning in the church ,his bravery and his ability to make decisions without caring who he hurts . " I'm not my father ,I can't hurt everyone ",I whisper and the minute those word leave my lips I feel shattered even further .

" So you're willing to hurt me ",she says ,her voice low with defeat .

I turn around conflicted and hurt ," No ,I'd never . I don't want to hurt anyone ,I just ...-"

"You just want to please everyone ,everyone besides you and you know very well that's impossible . You can't serve two gods . You can't choose life and death . ", and this  time Haley's voice rises with more irritation .

" That's not what I ...-", I begin but she refuses to hear me .

"You can't walk away from who you are just to make other people happy or to live a " normal" life . you can't walk away now Rose !"

"Why can't I ?!"

"Because I love you  damn it! I love you . I am willing to give up a lot of shit just to love you. " ,she's breathing hard and she runs her fingers through her hair as her lips part to allow more oxygen to pass through her airway .

I freeze . I don't know what to say to those passionate words coming out of her lips because I've never known how it feels to truly be in love .