Undecided (Unedited)

crimson

"Thanks for letting me keep the painting ", I say to him as he stops the car in front of my home

"Anytime ,I really loved you poem . You're like my new found inspiration."

I smile,"Thanks for today ,I really had a good time "

"Pleasure ".

The silence settles between us and it grows thicker as it makes it harder to breath.

" I should go inside ,see you around ",I say as I ready myself to exit the car .

He nods but he gets out of the car and opens my door . He takes the canvas that rested in the back seat and he walks me to the door .

"Thank you ", I say when we get to the door and he hands me the painting .

He wraps his arms around my waist and his lips find mine instantaneously .
As I try to part away from him he refuses to let go and I'm drowned into the kiss. When his lips leave mine I'm breathless .

" Good night ,Rose ",he says with a satisfied smirk on his lips and he let's go of my waist . he heads to his car slowly .

" Bye " ,I whisper.

I go inside the house quickly feeling the breeze outside bite at my skin .
"Hi ,honey . why didn't Stefanie come inside ,What's that ?", my mom asks all at once .

" Uh ,Stefanie thought it was late ,she wanted to drop me off quickly   she said she'd pop in another time . ",I say and then I stare at the huge canvas in my hand ,"And this is a gift . Its a painting she got me ", I lie .
My guilty conscience begins to  eat me up slowly .

I head upstairs quickly so I don't have to explain any further . I look around my room trying to decide where to hang it and when I finally decide to hang on the right side on the bedroom where there aren't any frames or pictures of me ,I'm so tired I plop on the bed in exhaustion.

My phone deeps .

Sleep tight my Rose .

~Wesley

I smile at his message but it quickly disappears when a thought comes hitting me dead on the face ....

Haley .

*
My eyes open to the new day that presents itself . I'm still in my jeans and white top from yesterday .I don't even remember when I fell asleep .
My head hurts and so does my body and toss my body to the side of bed and when I sit up I see the painting staring back at me and I smile as I remember yesterday's events .
I walk to the bathroom and I do my hygiene as I get ready for school.
My heart beats faster as I think about meeting Haley again .

She loves me and I go around kissing a  guy and letting him paint my face . What happens when you fall in love with a beauty  at once . Is it even love . what about my mom and what will everyone think . What is happening ...

"Rosalia,get downstairs you're late !", my mom's voice scares me back to life .

" I'm coming !",I say back .

I rush to finish as I grab my bag and phone and I run downstairs and soon after I head out the door jogging to school.

*
"So ,you never said anything after your little outing with Wes ", Stefanie says to me and I want nothing more than to forget about it .

" Maybe there was nothing to say about it ",is my reply.

" Really, I heard you mother thanking me for a specific nice looking painting in your room . Tell me something ,how does this painting look ?",she said with so much excitement.

"It looks okay "

"Wow ,Rose be a little excited about this new found love . Soon he'll be picking you from the garden ,Rose", she says as she walks away to her next class and I shake my head at how she is blind to the war inside my head .

At lunch break I sit in an isolated staircase listening to music as I work on a poem . Soon after I feel the earphone slip from my right ear and warm breath around my neck .
I turn around and I find Wesley.

" What are you doing ?",I say a bit harsher than intended .
He sits next to me .
"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed ", he says .

" I'm sorry "

"it's okay ", he assures me .

My thoughts go back to this morning and I feel pressurised to ask .
" What do you want from me ,Wesley ? I mean you ask me out and then you kiss me ..."

"Don't mistaken me for a guy who just wants to play you ,Rose . I know shat I want and that's you . I want you to give me a chance . ", he says moving closer.

" But I can't ",I whisper

" And why is that ?"

I keep silent recollection a portion of my sanity ...God please come save me

"What do you want ,Rosalia?", he asks patiently

I think this question through because I want many things ...

" I want love ",I pause and I look down to my notebook . "I want love ", he hold my chin and angles my face so my eyes look into his ,"I want love that no writer has written about because ink just fades with history and time .
A love that no author has written about.
I want love that's
More fairer than snow
A love incomparable to Shakespeare's sonnets 
A love that's never been sang about in any love song
Love that No preacher has quoted from any holy book
Love with imperfections because perfection is impossible ."

"So what wrong ?"

"Maybe you can never give me that love "

He let's go of me and pulls back creating space between  us .

"You know what ", he chuckles humorlessly ," I don't know what you think you're doing but I pour out myself to you and you don't even care !",the anger becomes evident in his tone as he bites down every single word that comes out of his mouth.

"I'm not doing anything"

"Yeah, maybe that's the problem "

"What do you want me to do ,Wesley",I say frustrated ," I have tried so have hard ,so damn hard ", my voice fades and tears bite at my eyes . " You think this is easy . Yeah maybe for you but not for me ,not in this world ,not in this society ."
At this point unfortunately I'm crying for a lot of reasons so I get my bags off the floor and I say one last thing to him  before leaving.

"I'm sorry I don't love you ,Wesley "