horribly beautiful ✔️

an empty addiction

when i realized who i used to be
i realized it was harder to like who i am

and i never knew it was cold until i found out what warmth was.

now there's nicotine patch

at the side of  your bed,

you never did quit,
but at least you tried.

i remember throwing out your cigarettes
as a little girl
and that was the first night
i saw the face of addiction,

it's red eyes and chapped mouth,
bruised lungs and torn scalp.

i always thought it was temporary,
and came and left,

like a friend with no real intention.

you were given a beautiful life,
but it was stolen by the
selfishness of that empty addiction.

these days i see your back
more than i see your face.

he tried to call me today because his grandmother died,

but i ignored him because i hated to hear his voice.

i told him hours later,

"sometimes we're not lucky enough to do all the things we desire.

we assume that we'll have time for them later.

that assumption gives very little and takes a lot."

and the realization that he could have done more
hit him like a truck.

when you passed all i heard were stories of your addiction

of smoke and champagne;

the nights my mother came home too late.

i didn't cry when you died,
not because i didn't feel anything but simply because

i didn't know you.

i brought my dog to your hospital room.

i could see you were already dead and i wondered why

i was staring at you,

to watch your body fall on the floor and lay there
until my dog tore out all your hair.

before i blinked your door was locked in front of me,

being left
to slowly watch the caged birds in the dust
of the waiting room.

i told my mother about her suicide,
and she told me
i shouldn't hide these things.

i'm a slow boil, what can i say,

it took a year for me to recover from your blood on my hands.

i don't remember your name but i won't ever forget your face;

i won't ever forget the number of the room they assigned to you

or the number of times i missed out on saying "maybe i love you."

i should have known to avoid barbed wire

at times it seems like the most approachable ladder

but will only be a stimulant to the addiction of egocentric love

and self disgust.