Immortally Beloved: A Vampire's Vignettes

Chapter Twenty-One: The Winner Takes It All

01 septembre 1803
Roma, Italie

Dearest Journal-Friend,

It is official, and at least upon paper and in the eyes of those that are holy and care for the propriety of such things, I am free from Romano. Though some still scowl and whisper that my mourning period was too short for one first made an orphan, and then a widow with no surviving family, they do not know. Romano is not about to leave my heart or my memory soon, though there is no grief or mourning involved. Neither shall I forget Michel. I hope he lived long enough to see that I would survive, even if not as I'd imagined growing old.

It angers me when they speak of "no surviving family". When they say that, what is mean is that I have been too long without a father, a brother, or a husband to look after me. Yet, I am more than capable of handling my own affairs. Even if I come from a world where women of higher station than I could barely read or write, Maman would have no such thing. She often looked down upon La Reine for being able to sign her own name no better than a child, though to speak such thoughts should have been treason and scandalous indeed.

I learned to read and write and to keep accounts, and even something of history and politics, though Papa said such things were frivolous and should make me headstrong. Men would not want a woman who was too well-learned or too greatly entertaining, for men like to know their wives are in need of them and not to be troubled with jealousies. One who is too dull and plain is a liability, though one who is too sharp-minded and lovely causes worry. Men do not wish to worry about having taken an unfaithful and disobedient wife.

Maman's reply was very wise indeed. She said, "Men are foolish and could learn from the peasants. When tragedy strikes, a peasant woman is one of strength, not one who must be cared for like a child. When it is time to bear children, a peasant woman does not lie in bed with curtains drawn for three months praying for a son. A peasant woman is an intelligent creature who knows when her serving-girl or her husband is stealing from her, and when the butcher gives her less than what she paid. Why we consider this ill-mannered, I do not understand, except the insecurities of men weaken our people."

People always said Maman was quite sharp-tongued and did not know her place, as she married to her advantage when my father chose her. Yet, I think he chose her because she behaved as if she were born to rule and never pretended otherwise. People feared her. Because of her, I did learn to read and write and do sums as well as any boy, and learned to sing and dance. I have aptitude for music, though none for embroidery nor painting. 

I did not inherit Maman's strength from her, though I believe my Odelie did. When she was born, her blue eyes opened a bit, took in the world, and stared at it as if in defiance. I do think of them often, my children, and though I shall never be there to see them grow, I imagine what they shall be someday. I daydream that one day I shall find them and hug them. I know such things cannot be, for I shall not look a day older than I do at this moment. I still find peace in imagining who they will grow to be. 

It is Odelie I worry for the least. The best of Maman shall kill the shadow of her father. I cannot think of her as Romano's child any more than I think of the father of my other children. If I thought of such things, I should be filled with hatred for my own children. They should become symbols of my suffering and reminders of loss. 

In my mind, the period of mourning has been nothing short at all and if I have sinned, I have atoned in my thoughts and my boredom. The only way to be free of Romano officially was to become who I am now, Duchessa Eleonora Delphine Orsini, though I am still called Eleni by those close to me. It is thought an exotic name, just as they believe I am an unusual and exotic woman here.