Dauntless High School

Chapter 20

TRIS

I grin as I flip through the photos of Ms. Matthews' new furniture arrangement. Uriah and Four put everything in absolutely the most awkward settings possible. I wonder if the principal will even manage to get into her home office to put things back without knocking over the glass vases and statues arranged every couple feet all over the floor; it won't be easy for her to get to and move them with the desk pulled up to completely block the door. I am still laughing at the final photo―the thank you note left in place of the slice of cake―when I pass Four's phone to Marlene so she can have a turn taking a closer look.

I just sit here leaning against the wall, slowly peeling the small orange I brought in my lunch. I look around at my friends and just watch them―everyone is smiling and laughing as Uriah tells some story about Peter. I watch him without listening, smiling just a little when the dimple shows up on his right cheek. That dimple only shows when he's smiling really wide. Usually I see it often, but I haven't in the last few days.

I think Uriah gives Shauna a dare, I'm not really listening. I haven't spoken to anyone by the time lunch ends and I silently walk to Spanish class, dragging my feet. I see Uriah walking a few yards ahead of me, his phone in his hands.

Four falls into step beside me and nudges me with his elbow. "You okay, Tris?" he asks.

I shrug. "Yeah, I'm fine," I answer. It's a lie.

I just feel so far away... disjointed. It's like I don't fit anymore, don't know where I belong. I've always belonged with Uriah and Zeke. But Uriah has barely looked at me all week, and Zeke has been awkward; I almost think he's avoiding me.

I've lost my mother, then may as well have lost my dad and Caleb. Now I've lost my best friends, too. This is what I was afraid would happen if Uriah and I broke up. Maybe I ended things with him too quickly. Maybe I could give him another chance, maybe I don't have to lose him. He and Zeke are more family to me now than my own blood, and losing them hurts. The truth is, I miss them. I miss him.

I walk into the classroom with Four. Uriah is already sitting at a desk near the back of the room, smiling as he texts someone on his phone. My heart sinks, I can't help wondering who he is texting. He seems happy.

I sit down in an empty seat on the opposite side of the room and Four sits next to me. I raise my eyebrows. "I've sat with Uriah all week," he tells me. "You're my friend too, you know."

I smile. "I know," I say. "I still thought you'd sit with Uri." He just shrugs. "So...game tonight," I say, making small talk. "Nervous?" It's an away game. Uriah always gets more nervous before away games, I think hearing all the cheering when our games are on the home field pumps him up so he plays better.

Four laughs. "No. It's Amity, I've played them before. We'll win, no problem."

"What school did you play for before?"I ask, realizing he's never told me about his old school.

"Erudite High," he answers. "I like it better here. Better football team, too."

"We have a game there in a few weeks, don't we?" I ask. He nods. I am about to ask how he feels about playing against his old team, but before I get the chance, Senor Delgado comes in and starts class.

I glance across the room to Uriah. He's still on his phone, still texting someone with a small smile. The only difference is that now he's hiding his phone under his desk.

I look back at Four and he glances back at me and shoots me a smile.

Even though we were talking about nothing really, I didn't feel so lonely anymore once I was talking to Four. Maybe those doubts about my break-up with Uriah were just a moment of weakness. Maybe we are better off apart.

-o-o-o-o-o-

I felt better and less lonely and disconnected during school this afternoon, but the feeling has not carried over to the post-game party at the Pedrads' celebrating the win against Amity High.

I was disappointed when Four told me before the game that he couldn't come to the party. He said this is his weekend at his dad's and he has to go straight there after the game. Sometimes it feels like he is the only one who really sees me, the only one who sees that I am struggling. It comforts me and makes me nervous all at once―that someone is still paying enough attention to notice when I'm down is a comfort, but sometimes I wish I could hide my emotions better. Although maybe I still do hide them well enough, since my other friends don't seem to notice.

I wonder how Four's weekend at his dad's will go. He only told me a little about his parents when we were working on my truck last weekend, but I didn't miss the bitterness in his voice when he talked about his father. I feel a little selfish for thinking it, but despite his poor relationship with his dad, I'm a little jealous. At least his dad wants Four to be with him one weekend a month. I would consider myself lucky to I see my dad even half that often.

I stand off to the side with a can of coke. I usually drink at these post-game parties, but tonight is different. In the past I never had to worry about getting home safely because I would just stay here with Uriah. I don't even feel like being here, I just feel... lost in the crowd. I'm not sure that anyone would even notice if I just went home right now.

A hand rests on my shoulder and I look up to see tall, broad-shouldered guy with shaggy black hair. I recognize him― he is on the football team, second string I think, but I don't remember his name, if I ever learned it in the first place.

"Lookin' good tonight, Tris," he slurs. He grabs my hand and begins pulling me toward the crowded dance floor. "Come on, dance with me."

I yank my hand back. "I'm sorry..." I look at him blankly.

"Matt."

"Right. Matt." I take another step back. "Sorry, Matt, but I'll pass."

"C'mon, Tris. Heard you're single now. Just one dance." He grabs me again, my wrist this time.

I relax my wrist then rotate it toward his thumb. As soon as I feel that I've caused his grip to loosen I quickly pull my wrist back, a self-defense move that Zeke taught me. "I said no," I snap. "Leave me alone." With that, I quickly scurry along the perimeter of the room, glancing back once only to make sure Matt isn't following me.

Someone else grabs my hand, and I almost repeat the same move on instinct but then I realize that this hand is smaller and not holding on tight. "Tris!" Shauna says. I gently pull my hand back. "I've been looking for you! I'm going to do that dare, you wanna come?"

I can smell a hint of beer on her breath. She's probably only had one, but I haven't had any. "Yeah, sure, Shauna. I'm driving." She nods eagerly and grabs Lynn's hand on the way out, pulling us both out the door.

After a stop at the grocery store for dish soap, which we successfully dumped into Buckingham Fountain, I drive Shauna and Lynn back to the party. The front yard is littered with red plastic cups, patches of vomit, and a few passed out, drunk teens, and the music is still so loud that I could hear it through my closed car windows over a block down the street. "Thanks, Tris!" Shauna calls as she hops out and runs back into the house.

I nod even though she isn't looking and don't turn off the truck. Lynn was moving to follow Shauna but pauses. "You aren't coming?" she asks. I shake my head. I don't want to go back in there. There's nothing more lonely than feeling alone when surrounded by people, and I don't want to deal with any more assholes like that Matt guy. I'm better off at home studying; I didn't end up meeting with Tori this week, but I'm sure I won't escape her next week, and I want to be able to honestly say that I'm making an effort.

"Look, Tris," Lynn says. She looks uncomfortable. "I'm not good at like... feelings and shit." I chuckle, at least she's aware of it. "But you know we're all here for you, right? Uriah's a jackass, you deserved better anyway."

I can't help laughing a little and smiling at her. "Thanks, Lynn," I say. I still don't want to be at a party right now, but it does help to know someone still cares, still notices.

"So, you sure you're not coming?"

"I'm sure. Thanks, Lynn. And make sure everyone stays safe, would you?"

"Yeah, no problem. Night, Tris."