Dauntless High School

Chapter 46

TRIS

Uriah is asleep when I enter his room. Early on, I had made it a habit to bring my schoolwork with me on my visits to Uriah. Obviously he wasn't going to respond to me and I always ran out of things to say long before I was ready to go. I just felt like I should be here with him. So a few times a week I would do my homework at his bedside, sometimes reading aloud or verbalizing my thought process on a math problem, just so he could hear my voice. It feels a little strange to read my English Lit book silently in this room.

Not that I'm getting much reading done. I like the book well enough, but I can't keep my mind focused on the text. I told Marlene and Tobias that we needed to wait a while to tell Uriah everything, and I meant it... but I am not happy about it. I have never hidden a relationship from my friends before, and certainly not from Uriah and Zeke. Even when I was dating Peter. Uri and Zeke didn't hide their dislike for him, but I was still open enough about the relationship. At the time I had not known how Uriah felt for me.

But this time, I do know. All I have to do is close my eyes, and I can so easily transport myself back to the time that Uriah is still living in. I can see the way he looked at me, feel the way he kissed me, hear the way he would whisper my name like a prayer when we made love. Everything was so perfect, I was so certain that Uriah and I would last forever.

But things changed. Lauren happened, and rumors and lies, and spiked punch at the prom, and my shattered heart when I found my so-called friend kissing my boyfriend, and him kissing her back. And I don't want to relive any of that. After that we argued more often, and Uriah drank more, and it was just never the same between us.

Breaking up with him the first time was hard enough. Now I have to do it all over again, to a version of him that really doesn't deserve it. I am out of time and will all too soon need to have a conversation that will leave my best friend crushed. I am all too familiar with the feeling and no matter how Uriah has hurt me in the past, I dread inflicting the same pain upon him. I loved him, still love him, will always love him. But not in the way he thinks I do, not anymore.

I don't care for Uriah in the same way I care for Tobias.

Last night, Tobias told me he loved me. I almost said it back, but I just couldn't. I showed him the best I could, in a way I have been longing for, for a while now. I feel so much for him but to say those words out loud... I was scared. But somehow, he knew not to push me.

When Uriah opens his eyes and smiles as soon as he sees me sitting there, it makes my stomach flip. And not in a good way.

"Mmm," Uriah hums and smiles as he wakes up. "Tris."

"Mmm hmm," I answer, setting my book on the side table. "How are you doing?"

"Better now that I'm waking up to your beautiful face."

I roll my eyes ― a response I know he expects as it's typical for a cheesy line like that. But really it just makes my stomach do another roll, because we are so not on the same page right now.

"I can't stay too long today," I warn him. "I've got a cheerleading practice. You know, because the playoff game tomorrow. I got my grades up while you were, uh, sleeping... they let me back on the squad." The confusion on Uriah's face reminds me that he doesn't remember my trouble with my grades, or any of it, and I silently curse myself. "You know what? Never mind. It's not important. I just, yeah, I have that practice in a couple hours."

"Tris―"

"Uriah," I cut him off. "Just leave it. Doesn't matter anymore."

"Of course it matters. Tris, how am I going to catch up on everything I missed... or forgot... if no one will fill me in?"