Dauntless High School

Chapter 42

MARLENE

"He's waking up," Hana gasps, and the world suddenly goes out of focus.

I don't know how to feel. Relieved, of course I am relieved. Uriah is waking up, it is what I have hoped for, what I have wanted, for the better part of two months. Two months of constant worry and heartache. But I am panicked.

Waking up means telling Uriah about the baby. It means facing his reaction, and I don't know what that will be. It means facing a very uncertain future.

Suddenly it seems so stupid that I didn't think of all this for such a long time. The very thing that made all this so much harder, I now realize, also let me put off facing reality and now these things aren't at some undetermined point in the future, but instead, are coming sooner than I am ready for, and I can't breathe.

Across the table I vaguely register Zeke on his feet, and the tears in Tris's eyes, and Harrison and Hana hugging nearby, but it is all almost swimming in front of my eyes and I. can't. breathe. And they are going to see, they are going to notice. They are going to notice that I am losing it and they are going to ask questions that I don't want to answer.

Four comes to my rescue. His hug is stiff and awkward and I can feel how uncomfortable it makes him, but it helps, because I can hide inside it so nobody will see that I am panicking. And then the Pedrads are practically running out the door with Zeke calling to Tris on his way out but I don't catch what he says.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Four drives us to the hospital. I sit in the back seat while Tris rides shotgun. They're talking quietly, Tris is nervous too and Four is reassuring her, so there is nothing to distract me now. All I can think about is that morning... the morning after.

. . .

7 weeks ago

Oh god, too much light... pounding head... how much did I drink last night? I squeeze my eyes shut tight and bury my head in my pillow. My whole body goes stiff because that is not a pillow. It is too firm, and too warm, and feels definitely not like a pillow and more like a person.

My heart and my mind both start racing while I try to pull up any memory of last night. It comes in bits and pieces, just flashes of moments.

Dancing. Drinking. More dancing... with Uriah. His hand tucking my hair behind my ear... his breath on my cheek... his lips on my neck. His bed... his hands sliding up my shirt... and then...

My eyes fly open despite the way the light stabs through, right into my scrambled brain and I see rich, light brown skin. My eyes scan up the toned chest that I have been using as a pillow, past his collarbone, and my breath catches when I see his face. Uriah's face, the only face I want to see right now, looking so relaxed and young and innocent. I feel utterly content in his arms and close my eyes again, letting his slow, deep breathing lull me back to sleep.

When I wake again my head still hurts and I instantly sense the change in Uriah. He is clearly awake, no longer relaxed. In fact I can feel the tension radiating off him and my heart drops.

He regrets it. He must. Because he didn't wake up and feel over the moon happy to see that it was me he was waking up to, or he wouldn't be so tense.

What do I do? I lie there debating for a minute, he hasn't noticed yet that I am awake. I could just wait for him to get up and leave the room, pretend to be asleep. Then I would get up and get dressed, go downstairs, and thank him for putting me to bed, pretend I don't even remember what happened. I would never have to face him, not really. I would never have to hear him say that it was just a mistake. And it would be that much harder, after I have had to hear him say it ― that he still loves Tris, that he was just lonely, that he was just drunk, whatever it is he has to say ― and just go back to normal and be friends after.