Small Town Talk

chapter 1 - Familiar Faces

Chapter 1

I couldn’t be there while they lowered my father’s casket into the ground. Mattie understood. I’d given up calling her Aunt by now. She was more like my sister and mother replacement anyway. The autopsy proved Jared hadn’t been drunk when he drove off that bridge. I’d given up calling him Dad too. I feared that I would never understand. As much as my dad despised me and my decisions. He didn’t hate me or himself enough to commit suicide. This was hard. I didn’t want to be one of those soppy girls you read about in trashy novels that were co-dependant and existence was based on some guy with a set of killer – washboard abs. I could hold my own. I was the kind of girl that boys didn’t bring home to meet there mothers. Sure maybe because of my chosen attire which in my opinion wasn’t even close to slutty. Maybe because of my smart mouth, mothers wrote me off as stupid and not good enough for their sons. I on one hand can tell you right now that if its only a family dinner I’ll put on my best pair of flats but that’s all you’re getting. The t-shirt and jeans stay. And I’m also not stupid, that’s why I can afford to miss so much school. I don’t skip all classes; only the ones I know I’ll pass with an easy grade.

I stood by a nearby tree clearly hidden out of sight, while I watched our towns people, including neighbors, my teachers, classmates and their parents mourn over Jared’s death. If he were here to see this he wouldn’t care. He’s probably mocking them from his soon to be grave. He didn’t have an inkling of self-preservation to understand the basic norms of society. He used to call me his best mistake. At this moment I felt more like his worst regret.

“Hey” a familiar voice sounded from behind the tree. Why? Why now? Dear god had I not suffered enough?

Benjamin Maher stood in front of me in his black slacks and white shirt. His grey tie slightly askew around his neck. I stared at him in confusion. His brown eyes searched my face for a key to my emotions. Tears stung at the back of my eyes but I forced myself to keep them in check. I sat down with my back against the tree and closed my eyes.

“Wow” was all I could say.

He shrugged “what?”

“Oh nothing much, just my dad had to die to get you to talk to me” I tried not to sound so sharp but from the look on his face, I could tell my words cut like daggers. Oh how it was bitter sweet. Im not going to lie to you, I needed him now more than ever and yet I needed him to stay far, far away. If I couldn’t get through this on my own; I’d never learn to be on my own.

“I’m sorry about your dad Riv”

Now that cut me like a bitch and my breath hitched in my lungs. He should have known better than to do that.

“Don’t… just do not call me that” my eyes burned,i pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes as I willed the tears to be gone but they came anyway.

Benjamin was next to me in a second pulling me to my feet, as he enveloped me in his arms. A shiver coursed through me but I let myself fall against him. My forehead against his chest. I forgot how good it felt to depend on someone. Damn I forgot how good he felt. NO NO NO NO NO NO! My body betrayed every emotion I tried to block away from Benjamin Maher for the last 2 years. It took all but some of my will power to pull away from him. I mumbled an apology as I turned and headed in the opposite direction but Ben didn’t move he just stood and watched as I distanced myself from him, the same way he’d stood down by Burbank’s and just let me walk away.

After everyone left, I whispered my final goodbyes to my father. Things I wanted to say to him but never got the chance. The whispers turned to yelling and eventually I screamed at the disturbed ground with red earth scattered like snowfall along green grass from the freshly dug grave. I broke down. enough said. Mattie found me hours later and took me home. Home, didn’t seem that way anymore. I locked myself in my room for weeks. Locked away in a depression so deep; you’d have to dig farther than china to reach me. My phone chirped “call me”

Why did I have a weird sense of Deja vu? Sorry fellow texter, been there. Done that. But my heart did a sudden jerk in my chest. I recognized the number instantly. Benjamin was calling me. Me. Me as in the girl who found his heart just to break it. And seriously don’t wanna seem to desperate now ben. You just texted.

“Hello” my voice sounded raspy from the screaming

“Are you okay?”  

“Why are you calling me? “ I breathed heavily through the phone

“I’m checking on you, am I not allowed to do that?”  I could feel him rolling his eyes from wherever he was. Which was a good question; where was he?

“Where are you?” I asked before I could stop myself. Sigh he was now going to think I actually cared about his whereabouts.

“At Duncan’s” he paused “wanna come?”

Duncan’s was our local diner. A little something in the middle of nothing. They served the thickest shakes and the biggest burgers you’d ever seen. Old man Duncan died a few years ago but his son kept it in good enough condition, renovating it to ‘fit a new era’ as he says. On Friday nights it turned into ‘The Dope’ our very own Florida version of a rave.

I laughed. I could barely contain myself. After a few seconds the humor died down and the seriousness of the question crept in.

“Now why would I want to do that?”   I lied. I desperately wanted to do that; every molecule of my being wanted to do that, wanted to be near him, have him hold me against him. Just to tell me things are going to be okay again.

“I don’t know” he said. It was more a question than a statement but before I could reply; he said

“ I’m here , if you want to talk Riva” the way my name sounded rolling off his lips made me want to cower but with that being said he hung up. I was losing pieces of myself as the days went by. I needed to understand how life could go on when mine was at a standstill. Right now it was life 2 – 0 Riva. And as soon as I figured out how to play my cards right I could even out the score, starting with Benjamin Maher. He had to go; sooner or later; I’ll stick with the latter.