Yes No or Maybe

Alfie

I can't believe I just did that.
I run downstairs and into my room, shutting the door behind me. I can't believe it. Alfie, you idiot! Now he'll know. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Holy fuck.
I start to panic inside and it starts to get hard for me to breathe. I take a deep breath and try to take in as much as oxygen as I can but my chest hurts. Fuck. It's hard to breathe. I feel my chest get tighter and I don't know what to do. My vision starts to become dizzy and I feel more tears stream down my cheeks. Fuck.
"J-Jo... Joey," I wheeze out.
I quickly pull out my phone with shaky hands and tell siri to call Joey. And that's when everything goes black. I lose all senses of vision and just drop to the floor.
The last thing I hear is the two rings before Joey picks up and calls me through the phone.
When I finally wake up, I find myself in my bed. Was that all a weird dream? I try to sit up but my head begins to hurt, causing me to fall back against my bed.
"Relax."
I glance over to see Lucas sitting by my bed. Lucas? I don't know why he's here. But that's beside the point. My head feels heavy and it aches with pain. Shit.
"I came over to see you," Lucas says, smiling a bit. "But instead I got a worried Joey. He said he found you on the floor, you'd just passed out. He was so scared, and panicky. He wanted to call and an ambulance, but I told him you'd be fine."
I almost forgot that Lucas is actually going to medical college. He knows about all this shit.
I'm about to ask where Joey is, when he cuts me off with, "He's just cooling off upstairs. He was in a really bad state when he saw you passed out..."
Was Joey angry? Or was he worried?
"Hell, he was bawling his eyes out."
Oh.
"Uh. Well, I'm fine now. I think it was just a panic attack..." I slowly start to say, the throbbing pain increasing with every word. "But, I don't get why my head hurts..." I bring a hand to my forehead, holding it as if it'd help.
"You must've hit your head when you fell," Lucas answers. "But you're okay now. There was no real damage."
I nod at his words.
"But can I ask something?" Lucas has a weird expression on and I can't tell what he's thinking.
"Um, sure?" My response sounds more like a question than a statement.
"What caused you to have the panic attack? Did- did Joey do anything? I mean- like, uh, physically," He stutters a bit and his voice cracks, though I don't know why.
Does he mean...
"Joey is not abusive!" I suddenly yell out. "He'd never hurt me physically. He didn't do anything, okay? It was all me!" I feel my eyes sting again. I don't know why I'm so upset. I don't know even know why Lucas would suggest such a thing.
"No-I- it's just," Lucas tries to say, but fails to. He sighs. "I mean, he was really out of it, man. When I saw him, He looked like someone close to him just died. I just thought- maybe, you know-" he stops when he sees my face. "I guess not."
"I... He didn't. And he'd never. Trust me, I know him. He's... he's a good guy." I duck my voice, my own voice cracking up.
"And is that why you're in love with him?"
I feel my face burn up. "Shut up! Joey could hear, for fuck sake!"
"Sorry," He says, laughing lightly. "But, uh, I know you probably don't want to hear this from me, and just know I don't want to be saying this, but maybe you should move on."
I feel my heart shatter at those words. Move on? The thought upsets me. It might be a good idea. I won't have to feel any more pain. But I can't just move on. What the fuck?
"Alfie," he begins again. "I care about you a whole lot. And I don't want to see you in pain." Lucas places a hand on mine, and I can't help but flinch. "I... I also have feelings for you, Alfie. Maybe... you can move on from Joey and..."
What?
What?
I can't. No way in hell. Lucas is just a friend. The only one I love is Joey. I can't move on from Joey. Joey is just...
"Alfie." The sound of my name brings me back to reality. "Just think about, okay? I won't hurt you. Ever." He bites his lip and his grip around my hand tightens, making me feel a bit uncomfortable. "I really like you, Alfie."
I swear to God he's a whole inch closer than he already was.
"I really do." Lucas says his other hand on my cheek. He leans over, and just when I start to panic again, my bedroom door flies open and Joey walks in.
Lucas pulls back in surprise and so do I. My eyes meet at Joey's and I can't help but feel guilty. Why am I feeling guilty? It's not like it matters to Joey.
"Um," Joey begins, looking uncomfortable. "Sorry for... Uh, interrupting your little moment." He laughs hesitantly.
"It's- it's not what it looks like. I promise." I stutter out, my heart starting to ache.
Joey just chuckles. "You don't have to deny it. You can kiss your boyfriend without making an excuse about it."
But something makes me think otherwise.
"It's alright." Joey shrugs.
No, it's not. You don't understand.
And with that, Joey turns back around and leaves, shutting the door behind him. Fuck. I can't help but glare at Lucas. Anger boils inside of me all of a sudden and I know he's at fault.
"What the fuck, mate?" I growl, gritting my teeth.
Lucas looks at me upset. "Why are you so angry?" He asks.
He has the nerve to even ask?
"Why am I angry? Why am I angry? DUDE! The guy I'm in love with just fucking walked in on you trying to kiss me! What's your fucking deal?" I yell. I no longer care if Joey hears. I don't care that I'm being harsh. "Jesus..."
Lucas looks guilty. "I'm sorry," he says, frowning. He lowers his head. "It's my fault, yeah, I know. I just... I really like you, Alfie, and seeing you hurt like this- seeing you chase after someone you can't have- it hurts me."
And now I feel guilty. Fuck.
"I... I'm sorry for blowing up at you," I tell him, sighing. "I was just angry. Sorry. I just... I really love him. I can't move on."
I frown.
"You can try though, right?" He asks.
I don't know why, but those words annoy the shit out of me. But instead of commenting on that, I just shrug. "I guess I can try..." I say, lowering my head.
I don't want to move on. I feel happy loving Joey. This feeling is great.
"Alright then. Please consider it. I really like you, Alfie," Lucas says, getting up. "I'll be off now." And with that, he leaves.
I sigh to the empty room and lay back down.
I hate this so much.
I love Joey but Joey loves someone else, and on top of that, Lucas has feelings for me as well.
What the hell is this?