Yes No or Maybe

Alfie

He kissed me.
He kissed me.
He kissed me.
And 'he' is Joey. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit-
And now he's apologizing to me. He thinks it's his fault that I had a panic attack. Again. Well, its sort of his fault, but I don't care about that.
All I care about is the fact that he kissed me. Why? Why? Why would he kiss me? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I feel like crying, or maybe I already am- I don't know. I can't comprehend anything at all. It's all so-
Joey pulls back from the embrace when I tell that I'm okay. I don't blame him. Well, not completely. And even if I did, I forgive him.
There's only one thing that matters right now, anyway.
It's just that-
I lower my head and take a deep breath. I need to know. I need to ask him. I just-
"But... why'd you kiss me?" I whisper hesitantly.
I need to know.
I feel joey tense up in front of me.
"I" his voice is breathy and croaky when it comes out. "I can't... I can't tell you..."
What?
What?
"You can't tell me?" I ask out loud. "And why not?" I just need to know. It's driving me insane.
Does he feel the way I do about him?
That can't be it.
Maybe he just mistook me for someone else?
How is that possible? He looked at me clearly- he couldn't have mistaken it.
Perhaps there was no reason to it?
Everything happens for a reason, right?
Dammit.
I search my brain for every possible reason but I can't seem to connect the dots. Why? Why did he do it?
"Alfie..."
Joey's voice drags me back into reality and I stare at him nervously.
I'm scared.
I'm afraid.
I'm scared.
I'm going to die.
That's all I can think about.
"Alfie," he repeats with sigh. "I..." he gulps and from his facial expression I can tell that he really is nervous. "I- um..."
Why is he-
"Remember how I told you I loved this one guy? But he had a boyfriend? Remember?"
Joey starts to fidget and I can't help but become a little curious.
"Yeah. Yeah, I remember. What- what about him?" I laugh nervously. I can't help but feel jealousy burn inside of me. "Joey this has nothing to do with..."
"You're the guy, Alfie," Joey blurts out. "You... I..."
I feel my eyes widen as Joey turns his face away. Did he just say what I think he did? Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
"What do you mean?" I ask, needing clarification of what my roommate just said.
He couldn't have...
"You're the guy," he repeats. "Alfie... I... I'm in love with you. I have been for- for, like, ever. I've always had an eye for you- ever since we met. God, you're just really something. You're gorgeous, for one, both inside and out. You're just amazing. You're, perfect. Yes, perfect. God, Alfie, I would do anything to have you..." Joey suddenly stops and cuts himself off.
"I..." he croaks. "I didn't mean- I didn't mean that- I swear, don't hate me. Alfie, please don't hate me. I would die if you did- I just want that- please- I just..." He keeps stuttering and looking at anything and everything but me. He won't meet my eyes, nor would he pause to breathe.
Why would I hate him?
He just confessed to me. Fuck.
This must be a dream.
I bring my fingers to my forearm and pinch the skin roughly. It has to be a dream. I feel Joey's eyes quickly advert to my arms and he reaches out for them.
"Alfie- Alfie, what are you doing?" he asks with a hesitant laugh. "Alfie..."
"This can't be real!" I yell. "This had to be a dream- Joey, there's no way you- after all this time... you- fuck!"
I feel my eyes tear up and I press my lips together to will the tears away. I won't cry. Not again.
"Alfie..." Joey looks at me worriedly and I feel and his hands wrap around mine tighten. "I... I do," he begins with a deep sigh. "I do love you. I always have. I've just... I've been afraid. Oh God, Alfie. You don't understand... I'm still afraid. I'm afraid you'll hate me now, or you'll be disgusted or- or- you'll move out- I just- I'm sorry, Alfie. I can't help feel this way- I can't make you feel this way either- I know but..."
Is he serious?
Is he fucking serious?
"But I do feel the same way! Bloody fucking hell! Joey- you- fucking- fuck- you- fuck!" I yell with frustration.
Does he really believe that I don't bare the same feelings as he does?
Fuck.
I close my eyes shut for one second and reopen them to a surprised Joey. I cup his face with shaky hands; tilt my head and lean forward to close the gap between our lips. I shut my eyes closed and feel the butterflies free themselves in my stomach as his lips fit perfectly with mine.
At first he's frozen, but soon enough, he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close as he kissed me back passionately. I feel my hear flutter- is that even possible? - As he traces little patterns on my back.
I giggle a bit into the kiss, suddenly feeling really happy. I remove my hands from his face and slide them down to his chest. I slowly lean backwards onto the bed and let him hover over me, our lips still somehow connected.
After a few more seconds, Joey pulls back, his breath coming out heavily. To be fair, I'm also breathing heavily.
Our eyes meet and seem to have their own conversations as our chests rise up and down simultaneously, like some kind of a rhythm.
I smile a bit up at him and he smiles back, and I can't help but bring a hand up to caress his cheek. I let out a small, happy hum as my eyes break contact with his and instead of follow the fingers that trace patterns on his jaw and cheek. I giggle the slightest bit and sight contently.
Joey has yet to make any noises. He's just of hovering over me with a big smile on his face.
"I..." I begin after a few minutes of our comfortable silence. "I also... uhm, love you... Joey. I have been aware of that for a while- that I feel this way. And the whole Lucas thing was just an experiment created by Tess- and I don't know- I'm sorry- I was also really scared- scared that my feelings would break our friendship- you- I- I don't know- I just- I didn't think you'd... you know... feel the same way," I ramble, mumbling the last part.
I hold my breath as I wait for a response
"It's okay. Yeah, I understand..." joey laughs. "I told Tess recently... uh- about my feelings for you- and well, she didn't tell me that you felt the same way but she kept urging me to tell you- which I found a little odd. But I can see why now. I'm glad. My confession didn't exactly go the way I wanted it to but you know- yeah."
I laugh a bit and move my arms to wrap them around his neck. "Mm. But why'd you suddenly kiss me this morning?" My teeth tug on my bottom lip a bit out of habit.
"I..." Joey chuckles. "I can't tell you. You're gonna laugh at me." He rolls his eyes and sighs.
"I won't! I promise," I say.
"I know you will!"
"No- please, tell me- I wanna know," I whine, pouting a bit.
Oh. It works.
Joey rolls his eyes playfully. "Alright. Fine... Uh, I thought I was dreaming- I thought you were dream Alfie, so I thought it'd be okay to kiss you and stuff..." He adverts his eyes away and I can't help find that cute.
"You dream about me?" I feel my cheeks flush up at the thought.
"Well...yeah- I don't know- it's just- yeah..." Joey stammers.
Aww. He's so cute when he's all flustered.
I smile a bit and bring his face down closer to mine, our noses barely blushing. "I'm glad," I whisper, leaning upward to kiss him gently.
It only lasts a few seconds before we pull away. Our foreheads are touching and our noses are brushing against each other and our eyes are having those conversations. I can't help but grin at it all- at Joey.
After a few seconds, Joey suddenly says, "Wait- does this make us boyfriends?"
I let out a snort and chuckle.
I roll my eyes teasingly and shrug. "Mm... I don't know- if you want me to be your boyfriend, I don't know, maybe you can just ask..." My words tease him but my eyes look at his s=as if to challenge him.
Joey scoffs. "Classy." He leans down and places a kiss on my nose before pulling back with a smile. "Alfie, will you be my boyfriend?"
"Hmm- I don't know..."
Joey lightly pinches the side if my stomach and I can't help but yelp.
"Jesus Christ- fine! Yes Joey, I will be your boyfriend. You better take me out on classy dates- not some cheap shit..."
Joey repeats what he did before and pinches me again.
"Stop," I whine, making a sobbing noise.
Joey laughs and lets his body lay atop mine instead of holding himself up "Okay. I'll stop. Only because you're my boyfriend."
"You really like that, don't you?" I tease.
"What? The fact that you're my boyfriend? Fuck yes," Joey replies immediately. "Alfie is my boyfriend!" he yells afterward.
"Fuck- that was right next to my ear- shit!" I say, flinching.
Joey snickers. "Sorry babe."
I blush at his words.
Babe.
I feel my throat hitch and I can't help but smile widely. "Say that again."
"That."
"Fuck you."
"Anytime."
"Fuck..."
"Me."
"I swear to god..."
"That you'll let me fuck you?"
"Shut up!"
"Only if you'll let me..."
I roll my eyes and press my lips against his to shut him up. When I pull back, I smirk. "Or I can do that, right?"
"Yeah. Yeah, that works too," Joey agrees, beaming at me.
I laugh a bit and shake my head playfully.
"Call me babe," I say suddenly. "I like it when you call me babe."
"Babe."
"Again."
"Babe."
"Once more..."
"Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Alfie. Babe. Alfie, my boyfriend..."
I laugh. "That's enough."
"Wait- I'm not done yet..."
"I don't care I'm hungry. Get the hell of me, mate," I groan.
"Well, that escalated quickly."
"If you get off me now, I'll make breakfast for us both."
"Deal."
I smile as Joey gets off me. Once he's off, he offers me a hand, which I take immediately, and he pulls me out of bed.
"It's been a good morning," I muse.
"Good morning, indeed." Joey agrees.
It's still hard to believe that just one morning of us just confessing our feelings can make t so much better. Wow. Weird.