Yes No or Maybe

Joey

I leave a small sigh as I turn and snuggle into the warm sensation. I don't know what it is but it feels nice and cosy, and it just makes me want to stay here forever.
I let out a sigh of relief and only open my eyes when I hear the rustles of clothes. Someone's next to me- I'm sure of it, though I don't remember anyone else being in my bed the night before I went to sleep.
I slowly open my eyes and two blue eyes stare right back at me. Two stunning blue eyes...
Alfie.
It all comes back to me. I couldn't sleep last night, thus I came into Alfie's room and he let me sleep with him.
Not the kind of sleeping I prefer- but it's still worth it.
Dammit, Alfie.
My eyes lower down to our bodies and I realize that Alfie has an arm draped over me and a leg linked with mine.
Is this a dream?
Must be.
I smile a bit at Alfie or perhaps dream Alfie, and bring my hands up to cup his face gently. He seems a bit surprised but doesn't pull back or anything.
Definitely dream Alfie.
The smile on my face grows wider. Alfie's beautiful, dream or not. He's just breath-taking, with his perfect, silky hair and stunning, gorgeous blue eyes.
My eyes lover down to his lips, and I can't help but chew at my own. My heart starts to pound in my chest and I have this sudden urge to take his lips into mine.
This is a dream, so it wouldn't matter if I just...
And with that though, I close my eyes and slowly lean forward to close the gap between our lips. His lips are warm and dry, and I can't help but run my tongue over them, wetting them slightly.
It takes dream Alfie a few seconds to react, and how he reacts isn't how id expected it. Alfie brings his hands up to my chest and gently shoves me off, a look of surprise painting his face.
"J-Joey," he stutters out, his eyes wide with pure surprise. That's all there is. Surprise. There isn't any sign of disgust or anger.
I watch as he brings a shaky finger up to his lips, feeling them. He looks shell-shocked.
"Why'd you just..."
That's when I realize.
It's not a dream.
Fuck.
My own eyes widen, and I feel my stomach flip. Fuck. I just kissed him. I just kissed Alfie, and it wasn't a fucking dream.
Fuck.
I gulp and hesitantly look over at Alfie, my heart already trying to rip it way out of my chest. He's going to hate me. He's going to move out and mover far, far away. He'll be disgusted and angry and he'll hate-
"Joey?"
The sound of his voice drags me back to reality. It's real. This is real. I pinch my arm once. Twice. Then a little harder, and I bit my lip to prevent a whimper of pain. This is real.
"Joey, why'd you... kiss me?"
I cant answer that. I cant meet his eyes. Shit.
"Answer me."
His voice gets firmer and more demanding. Oh fuck . He deserves an answer but I can't muster one up for him. He can't know. Fuck fuck fuck.
"Joey," he hisses. "Please."
I feel my head become lighter and it starts to get stuffy. I take deep breaths and just stumble out of his bed. I have to get away.
He can't see me like this. He can't know. He'll hate me.
Before I can even move or take a step, Alfie quickly reaches over and grabs my hand. I close my eyes and look away. I can't look at him. I just can't.
"Joey."
That voice of his is killing me! The way he says my name just melts my insides and I don't like that. A person's voice shouldn't be capable of that. It can't-
"Joey, please." Alfie's voice is soft and pleading, and it breaks my heart.
I gulp a bit. There's no way out of this... but I can dodge the question for a while.
"Wh-why do you ask?" I ask, cursing myself for stuttering.
"Why wouldn't I ask?! My best friend just kissed me, Joey. Don't you think that I'd be a little concerned?!"
The tone of his voice causes me finally look at him. He seems... panicky.
I notice his chest rising up and down rather quickly, and his eyes are watery. The rising of his chest quickens and I start to worry when the hand around my waist tightens.
"J...jo..ey," he wheezes.
Panic attack. Again.
I sit back down on his bed and grab his shoulders, looking him straight in the eyes. "Alfie, Alfie, hey..." I begin. "Listen, Alfie- Just breathe. Focus on your breathing. Just breathe. Please- just think of something else. Something that make you happy."
I'm doing this purely out of what little memory I have left from the time Lucas came over. He told some basic things, but I can't seem to remember it all now.
"Alfie- Alfie, just breathe. Count for me," I say, giving his shoulders a squeeze.
"I...I c-can't," he says, the tears now spilling out from his eyes. "joey... j-joe pl-please just- just..." he takes a breath in and continues, "H-Hold me...plea-please? Just-just for a..."
I immediately bring him close and wrap my arms around him. He brings his hands up and clutches against the back of my shirt. He takes deep breaths, his chest rising up and down against my own.
"Breathe. Just count and focus on your breathing. Think of your happy place- think of someone or something that makes you happy," I tell him.
I try to stay calm but it's a little hard when the person you're in fucking love with is in pain and panicking.
Joe's breathing starts to even out and that's when I relax.
"It'll be okay," I softly whisper against his shoulders. "It'll be alright."
He had a panic attack. Again.
It was my fault. Again.
"I'm so sorry, Alfie" I whimper a bit, stifling back a sob. "I'm so sorry... this is my fault... just like before... I'm-I'm..."
There's a silence that falls between us. It's a little tense but also soothing somehow.
"It's okay, Joey," he finally says.
I pull back from the embrace and look at him hesitantly. I begin to gnaw on my lip of nervousness.
"But... Why'd you kiss me?" he asks, lowering his head.
Shit.