Yes No or Maybe

Alfie

I'm staring at my ceiling, my eyes only blinking occasionally when they feel they need to. It's about two or three in the morning- I don't know, I lost count- and I can't sleep. A million thoughts run through my mind; a million questions; a million possibilities.
A million might sound like an exaggeration, but that's what it feels like to me. There are just so many things in my mind that I can't count them all, thus I just exaggerate a bit.
But that's beside the point.
These thoughts; these questions; three possibilities- they all revolve around Joey. Why do I love Joey? Do I really love joey?
Yes, is what my mind thinks without a doubt?
That's the one thing I'm sure of. I don't know why or how, but I just know it. I love joey. These thoughts and questions, a million others as well, they hurt. Whether it's in a good way or a bad way, they all just inflict me pain.
Does that make sense?
I don't even know.
It's actually a terrible idea to be up at this absurd time. The world's most ridiculous things go through our minds when were up in the middle of the night. It's not healthy.
Yet, here I am, up at aforementioned absurd time. I just can't put myself to sleep. There's too much to think about. My mind is too occupied to even bother to shout down, and I hate it. I just want to sleep, dammit.
Is that so much to ask for?
Sleep is the only thing that temporarily shuts me out from the world. This stupid world. And when I most want it, for example; right now, I can't have it.
Though, I guess it's only fair.
We can't always have what we want.
Just like how I can't have joey. I want him. There isn't a doubt in my mind that says otherwise. I know I want him. But I can't have him. I haven't got a slightest chance.
The thought creates a tiny hole in my chest- okay, maybe it isn't so tiny- and I can't help but feel my heart clench up. It hurts. It makes me sad. I don't want to be sad.
I don't like this feeling.
I bring a hand to my chest and grip the piece of fabric that covers my heart, almost as if it'd help relieve the pain.
I only think it will, but it won't. Of course, not.
Nothing can get rid of this pain. Nothing at all.
Well, not nothing. There's Joey, for one. But he can't help me. He can't help me if he doesn't know what I'm going through. He can't help me if I don't tell him what I'm going through.
But am I going to? This is the million dollar question.
No, I'm not.
I don't think so. I don't think that I can tell him what I'm feeling. Not now, not ever. Perhaps not even in this lifetime.
And that's pretty damn sad.
I roll onto my side and bury my face into my pillow that lies next to me. My arms around it tighten as I feel my throat close up; as I feel something grip my heart. I know the tears are just waiting to burst out, but I don't want them to. I won't let them.
Its pathetic to cry over such a thing.
I let out a whimper without realizing so and decide that I need music. I reach over for my phone and my headphones. I unlock my cell, click the shuffle option in my playlist, and put on my headphones.
Suddenly I hear music, and then lyrics gradually find my ears.
I wanna be your vacuum cleaner,
Breathing in your dust.
I wanna be your ford Cortina,
I will never rust.
Arctic Monkey's, I think, great.
I bite my bottom lip, almost hard enough to make it bleed, the thin layer of skin just barely connected together. I  feel my heart beat slow down as the music continues to play.
Secrets I have held in my heart,
Are harder to hide than I thought.
Maybe I just wanna be yours.
I think of Joey at that exact moment. I'm keeping secrets- secrets that are a tad bit hard to keep in. I want to be Joey's. I want him.
I feel drops of liquid drip down my cheeks, and I realize that I'm crying.
My mind goes back to earlier today, earlier in the evening when I'd cried. I'd cried in front of joey. He'd held me tightly, whispering words of comfort to me. He'd planted little kisses on me, though it was all just a friendly gesture.
He'd comforted me. He'd cared.
By now I feel the tears spill down faster than they had. The thought of joey makes me cry. Its pathetic, really.
I'm pathetic.
I wanna be yours.
I wanna be yours.
I hold in the whimper that threatens to escape as I feel more tears stream down. They're wetting my pillow but it doesn't bother me. I don't care about anything around me anymore. I don't care about this world.
All I care about is Joey. Joey is all that matters right now.
As the song stops playing, I hear the click of a door. I quickly take off my headphones, startled, before I turn to face my door.
Joey is peering in through the small opening of my door, almost afraid to come in.
"Joey?" I breathe, quickly turning to wipe the tears away.
Joey doesn't say anything, and I start to get a little worried. When I finished wiping all the tears away, I turn my neck to look at him.
"I knocked but you didn't answer- wait... a... are you crying?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. He slides open my door and steps into my room before shutting it close behind him.
I don't know why he's here.
I shake my head hesitantly. "N-no" I mentally curse myself for stuttering. He'll know.
"You stuttered," he points out.
I frown deeply and just shake my head again. "I'm fine," I say shakily. I quickly change the subject by saying, "Why are you up?"
I certainly don't want him to suspect anything.
"I can't sleep," he answers with a bitter laugh. "I can't sleep," he repeats, shaking his head.
"Oh," is all I can muster up. I nervously chew on my bottom lip. I still don't know why he came to me.
"Why are you up?" Joey asks, copying my question.
I roll my eyes lightly before telling him, "The same reason as you. I can't sleep, mate."
He nods slowly, as if he's just taking in my words, and before long, a silence forms between us.
It's quiet and it starts to get awkward as I try to find things in my room to look at- just anything but joey. I can't seem to look at him.
"Um... so," he starts, shifting from foot to foot. "Can I sleep in here? I mean- you don't have to if you don't want me- I mean..."
I do want you.
"But yeah... I can't sleep in my room," he finishes with a hesitant laugh.
I stare at him for a long moment, just taking in his beauty. His hair is slightly messy, but still perfect. His eyes are a bright shade of blue, though it looks a lighter shade and slightly darker in my dim bedroom. He's biting at his lip, his eyes seeming to focus on something on the side of my room. I don't bother to look at what it is.
He seems nervous- no- perhaps uncomfortable? I don't know. He just looks so fucking beautiful.
His upper body fits perfectly in the simple tank top he's wearing, and I can't help feel a bit jealous.
Jealous? Yes, jealous.
I want to be the one wrapped around his body. That or he can take that stupid shirt off.
Jesus Christ, that escalated quickly.
I blink as I find myself back into reality. Joey's still standing in the same place, a bit fidgety. He must be still waiting for my answer.
"Never m..."
"You can stay," I quickly say, cutting him off.
Shit.
He seems a bit surprised and I don't know if its because I realize late or just because of my response. Perhaps he didn't accept my request.
"Okay," he says simply. "I can just take the floor..."
"No. The bed. I mean- you can stay in the bed next to me. It's no big deal, right?" I say, trying to muster up a smile. "We're just friends after all..." I bite my tongue at the remark, cursing myself once again.
I don't want to suggest anything.
"Yeah, that's fine. Thanks," he says, slowly approaching my bed.
He takes the spot next to me, slipping under my blanket. I almost instantly smile as his warmth spreads over to me. He's warm.
I wish I could touch him. I want to feel his warmth.
He lays down and I lay down as well. He faces me and smiles lazily, causing me to face him and smile back. "Goodnight," he says, closing his eyes, the smile never leaving his lips.
"Goodnight," I say, though I don't immediately go to sleep like him.
I take a moment to watch his face. God, he is the definition of perfection. Everything about him is perfect.
The smile remains on my face and when I'm certain he's asleep, I reach over and take one of his hands into mine.
He is warm.
I scoot closer to him and squeeze his hand as I close my eyes. I absentmindedly link one of my feet with his.
Just as I'm about to fall into slumber, I feel joey give my hand a tight squeeze.
He's awake?