Language of Love

Effectus

He steps out in shackles. I watch him sag to the table. I wonder what his last meal was. I feel the woman squeeze me hand. I smile. She takes a deep breath. My opposite hand shakes so I sit on.

     He sits on the table. The cuff him down. The tattoo on his neck shows. I hold my breath as the executioner walks out.

    "Any last words?" The executioner asks. He turns his head to the audience.

     "Gray Thorne..." He starts. I hold my breath and squeeze the woman's hand. "I love you." He says. Everyone in the room gasps. Including me. The women drops my hand and slides over a seat. As if I'm contaminated by him. As if him loving me made me evil.

      "What the hell?" I whisper.

     The executioner takes the needle and sticks his vein. I watch him take his lash breaths. I feel my hands shaking. I press down on the seat and sit on them. Show no fear. No emotion. I feel a tear roll down my cheek. There goes the no emotion plan.

    I drive home. I'm an emotional wreck. Fitz was right. I shouldn't have gone. I should have trusted him. Why didn't I trust him? I'm awful. I'm an awful person. I don't deserve him. I just watched a man die. Why would I want to go see that? I'm so evil.

      I unlock the door. Fitz looks up from the tv. Marx is still here. Fitz notices the pain in my face.

     "I made a mistake." I say. My voice cracks. I feel myself shaking. My hands haven't stopped shaking. They're at better use at my side than driving, but I don't appreciate the involuntary movement. Fitz squints at me. He looks angry almost, maybe confused. He should be angry.
      "What did you do?" He asks and stands up. I take the ring off my finger. Marx notices and shakes his head. Fitz stares at the ring. He reaches his shaking hand out to grab it, but lets me talk first.
       "I don't deserve this!" I say.
       "Did you cheat on me?" Fitz asks.
       "With a girl?" Marx remarks. Somehow, cracking jokes even during this.
        "Marx get out." I croak. He shouldn't see this. I'm a mess. Fitz is a mess. When I'm upset and Fitz is angry... bad things happen.
        "Get out!" Fitz yells, unnecessarily angry.

      Marx rushes out of the door. I breathe heavy. Angry at myself. I see Fitz staring at the ring. His hand had retreated, without the ring to his side.

       "Did. You. Cheat. On. Me?" Fitz asks. A stern look rests on his face. I see his eyes watering. I want to scream at him: Don't cry. I don't.
       "I lied to you about where I was." I say. I see a tear fall from his face. His fists are clenched.
         "Who were you with? How long has this been going on? How long have you been cheating on me?" He asks. I look away.
         "I went to the execution." I say. He looks at me like I kicked a puppy. He's confused and offended. Still as angry as before.
        "And what? You had sex with him before he died?" He asks, utterly baffled.
        "No. He confessed his love to me. As he was lying on the table. His last words were, Gray Thorne, I love you. And then they killed him!" I sob. He looks at me, deciding on what to say.
       "Then why are you crying? And why did you take off the ring?" He asks.
      "Because I watched a man die. A man who chose to use his last words to tell me he loved me. And I didn't even say it back. I didn't even pretend like I liked him. And I don't feel bad! I'm a horrible person! That's why I don't deserve this! I don't feel bad that I watched a man die, but I feel bad because I lied to you." I say, the guilt choking me up.
       "And that's it? That's all you did?" He asks. He says 'that's it' as if I did nothing wrong.
      "Yes." I say. "I love you, but I don't deserve to be loved. I don't even feel bad." I croak. He shakes his head.

      He takes the ring from me. I'm a horrible person. I'm evil. I lied to my fiancé and now he isn't even going to marry me. I ruined it. I deserve this. This is what you get, I tell myself.

      He grabs my hand and puts the ring on my finger.

     "You still want to marry me?"
     "Yes!" He says.

     He pulls me into his arms. I clutch onto him he rubs my back. He takes a step back to lean onto the wall behind him. The tears fall steady. The door opens.

     "I left my keys and phone. I didn't hear yelling so I..." He starts. "Wait, you forgave her for cheating on you?"
      "She didn't cheat on me." Fitz says.
      "Oh." Marx says and grabs his stuff. He leaves our apartment, more confused than before.

      "Why don't we go to bed?" Fitz says.
      "Okay, I'm sorry." I say.
      "I know."

      He picks me up and carries me go to our room. He tucks me in and slides in next to me.

     "I love you." I hear him whisper.
     "I love you too." I say.

     I hear him fall asleep, so I let the tears flow. I don't want to keep him up at night. It's not his fault I have a psycho ex-boyfriend who's words torment me. I sob as quietly and with the least amount of motion as possible. Clearly, it wasn't quiet enough. He pulls me into his arms.

      "What's wrong?" He asks.
      "Just hold me." I say.
      "Okay." He says. I feel him wrap his leg around mine. He pushes me into him. The feeling of him next to me makes my tears stop.
      "Don't ever let go." I whisper.
      "I won't."