These Feelings

Chapter 54

Loki smirked, grabbed my hand in his, and grazed my knuckles across his lips. "You pretend not to know what love is. Yet you are clearly in love with the stars. When I go into your mind, I know you have discovered what love is."

My breath hitched in my throat. "What do you mean gone into my mind?"

His warm hand caressed my cheek, confusion dancing in his eyes. "I can read minds, remember, dear?" However, he seemed to not understand. "What is the matter? If it's about privacy I can assure I only delved into your mind twice. For your memory of love and your thoughts have once intruding mine about my devilishly good looks."

I frowned. Loki's comment was quickly shrugged off. This changed things. He didn't even know that it changed things. "Loki, if someone didn't remember something, you could go into their mind and give them the memories, right?"

"Er-? I suppose, I haven't tried it before. Is there one of your 'Avengers' that have this issue," he asked bitterly.

My hair rustled softly as I shook my head. "Use it on me. I can't remember anything past eighty-seven years ago- seventy of which were spent in a locked room!" My hands were thrown into the air for exceeded dramatization. "It's very important. I cannot sleep, I cannot act, and I cannot remember who I was."

"Well, I-"

My eyes met his. I tried to make myself look at small and innocent as I could to get my way. "Please, Loki."

He irked in annoyance. "Alright. How long?"

"What do you mean," I asked curiously. I was overjoyed that he decided to help me despite our small argument. "Like how long do you have to help me or how long do I need to go back?"

Loki crossed his arms in thought. "If you knew your birthdate, things would surely be easier. I could pick out happier memories to start off and then help break the less emotionally uplifting few to you." He paused, "If you have any."

That was a thought to be had. Maybe I lived a miserable life. But then again maybe I was the happiest person ever. Maybe I had a dog I loved and is now waiting for me to come home. Or a small fragment of anything waiting for me. I frowned. "I'm not sure when I was born. Just go as far back as you can." Nerves built up under my skin. It felt like my body was heating up faster than it had before. The thought of my past finally being remembered sent shocks of delight in my arms. Maybe. Everything was just a maybe. By that was enough to have hope.

Loki made one last snarky comment before beginning the procedure. "You seem to always make me go your way." Just like that, his warm fingertips were pressed to my forehead and temples with his thumbs on the back of my head. I watched as his eyes fluttered shut and the concentration on his face was hardened. "Focus."

"I am now," I remarked. "I can't help that my distraction is you." I grinned to myself and closed my eyes as well. I thought hard about my past. Trying to remember, but it was like a barrier was there, in my path. No matter how hard I pushed against it or how hard I attacked it, the thing just wouldn't move. Until it collapsed with sudden ease.

"Hold on, dear. Everything's all mixed up in here," I heard Loki mumble. "This looks... good to start.. off...?" He pulled an image forward and it started a memory.

Everything hit me in an instant. Images, words, phrases, feelings, emotions; random people and things. My past was not as bright as I had hoped. It was like opening a locked door in hopes that it led outside when it only led to a dark, downward spiraling staircase. It left me feeling more empty than before.

With a loud gasp, Loki tore away from me. "You!" I grunted, my arms hanging loosely over the edge of my chair. "You were-!"

The light from the sun burned my eyes. My hearing became muffled and the image in front of me became distorted. His ranting and frightened words fell on deaf ears. Then a ringing played to my ears like an unheard melody. I strained my body to try and cover them whilst blocking out the sun but my hands would not move to how I felt that they should.

I didn't know the reason for so many of the images. Many didn't make sense. My mind tried to piece it together but Loki tore away early therefore I was left to decide in which order my memories went to. I was in pain. Many of these feelings that I hadn't experienced or was not used to. Everything just felt so much more. Suddenly, it's like I'm aware of everything the slightest change in the air here versus in Midgard. The littlest difference the the suns lights. Everything was so much more attuned. It was like being blind and suddenly able to see.