Aren't you happy for me?

18) I just love you too much

They sat there, not saying a word, for at least an hour. All that could be heard were Dec's quiet sniffles, but Ant didn't bother to calm him down.

He knew he had to get it all out, after all Stephen had said he had pulled himself together over the last weeks, so Ant wanted him to let it all out before talking with him. He knew Dec and he knew there was no sense in pushing him.

"I knew something was wrong" Ant broke the silence after what felt like an eternity. "So I went over to yours and Stephen... he..." Ant didn't speak on but shut his eyes and took a deep breath. "I just knew you would be somewhere crying."

"Why?" Dec asked and lifted his head a bit.

"Dec, I know you and when Stephen said you went for a walk, I knew" Ant said and patted his shoulder gently.

"Thank you" Dec said sheepishly and then he shivered a bit.

"Are you cold?" Ant asked and pulled him a bit closer and Dec nodded.

"Can we... I mean, can we go to yours?" Dec asked carefully.

"Of course, come on" Ant said and they stood up.

Once they were in his house, Ant put the kettle on and got a blanket for Dec who was sitting on the sofa waiting for him.

"Thanks" Dec said and took the blanket and the tea.

"So, now we have a serious talk, Decky" Ant said once he had sat down next to him. "This is shit, I don't like it."

"Aye, me neither" Dec said and sighed. "But you... you started it" he added in a small voice.

"I know" Ant sighed. "But I have to get something else off my chest first..."

"What is it?" Dec asked. He was still so exhausted and tired, but he knew they had to talk.

"Stephen... he... the stuff he said... Decky, you have to be honest, okay?" Ant asked gently and Dec nodded. "Do you still want to be with him?"

Dec felt the tears coming and he looked away and shrugged his shoulders. He knew there was no point in pretending in front of Ant, he knew him inside out. "He is good to me."

"Decky, that wasn't my question" Ant sighed and wrapped his arm around Dec's shoulders again. "But it's alright, we don't have to talk about it now, okay?"

Dec nodded and again, he felt understood. Ant just respected him and he just comforted him when he was upset and that meant the world to him.

Ant was glad that his suspicions were kind of confirmed. He knew his Declan and he knew that Dec couldn't be happy when Stephen was really like that. And Ant couldn't even blame Stephen, he didn't know any better and in his way he tried his best to be there for Dec, it just happened to be the absolute wrong way by the looks of it. Why else would Dec sit for hours in the cold crying?

"Ant?" Dec asked sheepishly.

"Hm?"

"Why did you push me away?" Dec asked and his voice was cracking. "I missed you so much" he whispered and sighed.

"I know, I was stupid. I'm sorry, I was selfish and stupid" Ant sighed and lowered his head and took his arm away from Dec.

"Please, can you tell me" Dec said desperately. "I was so lonely... so fucking lonely..."

"I'm sorry" Ant said quietly and in that moment it hit him. He had let Dec down. He had broken his promise. Tears flooded his eyes and he turned to look at Dec. "I just love you too much, that's the problem. And I broke our fucking promise because of that. I'm so sorry..."

Dec only stared at him and suddenly the penny dropped and he gasped. "Oh God, you mean...?"

Ant only nodded and buried his face in his hands.