Aren't you happy for me?

20) I have to clear my head

Dec woke up and it was like he was a different person. He felt some strength back in his body and he was determined to do something. He knew he just had to do something about this situation. He couldn't go on like that.

He just absolutely didn't know how to feel about everything at the moment. He wasn't mad or sad or angry or anything, he was just totally confused.

And thinking about that, he realised he had somehow lost himself over the past weeks and maybe even months. He realised he needed time to come to terms with everything and to understand himself again, to trust himself and his feelings again.

"You look better" Ant greeted him when he entered the kitchen and handed him a mug of coffee.

"Thanks" Dec said and sat down. "I... I was thinking..."

"Careful" Ant smirked and Dec had actually expected him to do that, he always did it and in a way it was like the old days again, just this little memory, and he smiled at that. He missed the old times.

"Shut up" Dec grinned. "Seriously, though."

"What?" Ant said, now also seriously and sat opposite of Dec.

"I will take a break, away from here. I will go to my parents, for at least two weeks. I have to clear my head" Dec explained and Ant nodded.

"I think that's a good idea" Ant said.

"Really?" Dec asked, astonished. He had thought that Ant would want him there, now that they were kind of on good terms again. But of course there was this problem that his best friend was apparently in love with him and Dec still couldn't get his head around that and so he thought they could need a break.

"Yes, I think that's the best thing you can do with all that is going on with you and... us" Ant said carefully and Dec nodded.

"You know how thankful I am for you, don't you?" Dec said sheepishly and before Ant could say something he went on. "And gosh, it must have been so hard for you..."

Ant stared at Dec. "What?"

"Well, you know... seeing me with... him and all that..." Dec said sheepishly.

"Decky, please don't..." Ant begged him and sighed at the memories. He had managed to pull himself together up until now and he wanted to keep it that way. Because he knew this was none of Dec's fault and he didn't want him to feel that way. He wanted Dec to trust him. But mentioning Stephen now was a bit too much and Ant took a deep breath to suppress the upcoming tears.

"I think it's great if we all take a little break. And you have to promise me that you'll listen to your heart, okay?" Ant said and he really meant it. He knew Dec was confused at the moment, he knew he had to figure out what he wanted.

Ant knew what he wanted himself, he wanted his Declan back, the one that laughed with him, the one that cried onto his shoulder, the one that he loved with all his heart. And he knew that one was still inside of Dec. "Concentrate on yourself, okay? Don't bother about me, don't bother about Stephen, about your work, about London, don't bother about anything but yourself, okay?"

Dec nodded and again, he felt more understood than ever before. "Thank you" he said and soon they said their goodbyes and Dec was on his way to his parents.

Ant sighed loudly once Dec was out the door. He was beyond confused because actually everything was fine in a weird way and he didn't really know how to feel about it. He had confessed everything to Dec and he couldn't get his head around the fact that he now felt even closer to Dec again because his best friend didn't judge him and still liked him.

At the same time it was so hard to feel this closeness again, to feel those arms around him, to look into those beautiful eyes and seeing so much love in them. And he was reminded once again that he wanted nothing more than to be with Dec.

But he understood his best friend, of course he did. And so he was happy that Dec had come to the conclusion that he needed time away and had to concentrate on himself a bit. He just wanted Dec to be himself again and he knew his parents could sort that out, he was safe with them.

He got the phone call about 6 hours later that Dec had arrived safely and he was touched that Dec called him.

"So, how did he take it?" Ant asked carefully.

"Not so well" Dec sighed. "He didn't understand it, said I should just come over and we can talk and all that. Ant I really don't know what to do..."

"It's going to be all fine, Decky, I promise. Give it all time, eh?" Ant smiled down the phone. "Remember I am always there if you need me, okay?"

"I know, thanks for understanding" Dec smiled and hung up.

Ant had always understood him, right from the beginning. He always knew what he was thinking, what he was feeling, what he wanted. He knew Stephen didn't know him for that long, but thinking about it he knew that Stephen just didn't have this level of understanding, no matter if he loved him or not.

Ant had just understood, hadn't questioned it, hadn't doubted Dec's decision, had supported it, although Dec was sure it was hard for him. But he knew he understood.

In contrast to that, Stephen had fought against it and Dec knew it was because he loved him and wanted him by his side rather than at his parents, but still. Stephen didn't understand.