Winter's End [winter soldier//Bucky Barnes AU]

Chapter Six

*Sarah's POV*

I sat there on Peter's hospital bed, clutching Bucky's dog tags, with Natasha's arms around me in a friendly gesture of comfort.

Steve sat to my right in a broken silence. He was holding Natasha's hand tightly, all of us trying to hold on to whatever sanity we had left. Peter was sitting at the foot of the bed, giving me a sympathetic smile whenever I looked his way.

I just couldn't believe it.

How could that happen? How could Bucky just...not remember me, and long enough to almost kill me?

I was terrified. Terrified that he would hurt me again, terrified that things would never be the same again, terrified that I would lose the one armed man that had changed my life.

My mind was scrambled, a million things running around in my head. I couldn't process what just happened, and I was desperately craving to be back in my hospital bed, with a morphine drip in my arm.

Anything to take away the intense pain that was threatening to swallow me whole.

I didn't think I could possibly cry anymore, but a few more tears leaked out as I rested my head on Natasha's shoulder. I was so lucky to have such a great group of people that actually cared for me.

"Shhh, it's alright Sarah. Bucky remembers you, I promise. Just breathe." Natasha whispered, holding me tight. I just sighed shakily.

How could this be real? How, or better yet why, did this happen?

I longed for his touch, to feel both the warmth of his skin and the coolness of the metal. I longed for the way he spoke to me; his scratchy, rough, deep voice, that always made me feel better. I longed for his embrace, longed to remember how his lips felt against mine.

I longed for him; all of him. He meant everything to me. All I wanted was to be with him, talk to him, breathe in his familiar scent. But I was scared to be around him.

I thought this last week had been terrible, knowing that he is alive but might not wake up.

Now I know that there are far worse things.

"Hey, Sarah, do you want me to turn the radio on? Music usually calms me down." Peter asked quietly, and I shrugged and nodded.

"Sure." I choked out. He smiled slightly and went across the room, locating the small radio that was on the window sill and clicked it on. One of my favorite songs was playing, and I was instantly grateful for Peter's suggestion.

The chords of Something I Need by OneRepublic played through the speakers, ending the sad silence. I let the music fill me, letting every word soak in, until it was all I could hear.

I felt so much better, so much happier.

But, like everything good in life, the song ended, letting the darkness creep back in.

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*Bucky's POV*

I wanted to die.

I drove the only person to ever love me, besides Steve, away. And I didn't mean too.

Something just snapped in my mind, making me revert back to the Winter Soldier, just long enough to break Sarah's heart and ruin everything.

I can't imagine what she must be thinking right now; I attacked her. I choked her. I bruised her. I was inches away from killing her.

How could I ever live with myself again? How could I ever be with her again, when she is terrified I'll hurt her?

I can't believe I did this, can't believe I ruined one of the few good things that have happened to me in the last seventy years.

I covered my mouth as a loud sob escaped, pulling my knees closer to my chest. I sat, huddled in a ball, in the corner of the room, farthest from the door. I sat on the cold floor.

I didn't deserve the warmth and comfort of a bed.

I was hyperventilating again, and I was getting lightheaded. My eyes were wide as tears escaped. All I could think about was her; her curly golden hair, her gorgeously bright eyes, her soft skin. The fierceness with which she fought, the toughness with which she embodied.

She was becoming my future; but then I had to ruin everything.

Was it selfish of me to want her back, to comfort her? To make her forget about what I did so we could both live on happily?

Of course it was. But nowadays, I hardly ever had an unselfish thought anymore.

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