Winter's End [winter soldier//Bucky Barnes AU]

Chapter Twenty Eight

*Sarah's POV*

The following morning started out nice enough, with everyone gathering for a big breakfast prepared by Pepper. Eggs, hashbrowns, waffles, pancakes, and bacon covered the table, filling the air with an amazing scent and making my stomach growl loudly. I rushed to the table and grabbed as much food as I could, sitting down and eating every morsel I could fit in my stomach. I will never take advantage of food again.

After breakfast, Tony and Bruce left to tinker in the lab, and Cara and Clint left to do their own thing. Me, Nat, Bucky and Steve were the only ones left, and once we helped Pepper clean the kitchen we had nothing left to do.

When we weren't fighting for our lives, or saving people, or trying to solve some sort of mystery...we were fairly boring people. We don't even know our own interests in life. So what do superheroes with nothing do in their free time?

Distract.

We headed to the gym almost immediately. Natasha and I worked on combat, Steve and Bucky lifting weights and doing cardio. We each spent a half hour on our task and then switched. We repeated this never ending pattern over and over, keeping our muscles in shape, distracting ourselves from our damaged minds, and focusing on a goal. It helps ease the pain.

Hours later we moved on to specialized training. I worked on strengthening my ice powers, freezing larger objects for longer and freezing multiple things at once. I had Natasha hurl things at me so I could freeze them in midair, and finally I worked on freezing multiple objects at one time to the ground. Bucky improved his already perfect shot (but if you ever tell him it's perfect, he'll deny it until you shut up) and practiced knife throwing. Steve 'worked' on throwing his shield (quotations because he couldn't possible do it better), practiced shooting and trained his knife throwing. Natasha went into the hall, deciding to work on her spying skills. When she returned, she told me about how many times she took Tony's screwdriver, and stifled her laughter when he couldn't find it and began cursing out poor Jarvis. In the end she put them all in his coffee cup when his back was turned, and then almost died trying not to laugh at his ridiculously confused face.

It was a better life not having to fight, and knowing that there's at least a fifty percent chance of waking up in the morning, rather then ten or less. But I was quickly going stir crazy. I was losing my sense of purpose already, and it had been only two weeks.

I stopped thinking almost as soon as I started, taking another whack at the punching bag. Distract, distract, distract.

But I can't keep the voices out of my head forever.

By seven pm, the group of us that worked out were exhausted. I headed to the shower, letting the hot water reset my mind and cure my aching muscles, staying in for almost half an hour. I only got out because Natasha picked the lock and pulled back the shower curtain, screaming at me to get out already.

After I dried off I pulled on the softest clothes I could find. A nice warm sweatshirt in the drawer was exactly what I needed to keep me going, keep me from going crazy. It was a stupid idea, that a soft sweatshirt could keep me from going insane, but honestly I needed all the help I could get.

I hadn't yet told Bucky about my deteriorating mental state, and I didn't plan on telling him any time soon. Telling him will just make it real. I was also almost ashamed that I was losing it, simply because everyone else, who'd been through more, could hold it together. So why couldn't I?

Yes, I was tortured and had my mind reset for a little while. Yes I was physically altered and went through a year of hell. And yes, I saw horrific things that I will never forget. But the others have seen worse.

All I can do is keep going, get through my days as well as I can. And distract myself from the horrors around me. Maybe if I keep convincing myself that it will work, then it will.

After I got changed and recovered my mind a bit, we headed down to the dining room to eat, delicious food prepared by Pepper making the room smell like heaven. I grabbed a plate and dug in, scarfing it down so fast that I was up and asking for more about five minutes after the first round.

I was so out of it that when Tony put on Doctor Who, I didn't react. The whole team swiveled their heads to me in question, and I immediately froze the remote, but my heart wasn't into it and everyone could tell.

I had to fix this before the Avengers needed me again. Because right now, I would definitely be killed in battle.

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