Winter's End [winter soldier//Bucky Barnes AU]

Chapter Seven

*Sarah's POV*

Three days later, I could no longer stand the silence. I decided that I needed to see Bucky, I needed to hear his voice, I needed to be with him.

No matter what the cost.

So I grabbed Steve on the way to Bucky's room, asking him if he could be my backup in case something went wrong. He immediately agreed.

What I wasn't expecting, though, was to open the door to a quiet and cold room, in which the love of my life sat broken in the corner.

His sobs were loud and painful for me to hear, and he sat with his knees against his chest on the floor.

He looked so defeated. So broken.

It took everything in me not to run to him right away. Steve placed his gentle hand on my shoulder, and I bit my lip to keep from saying anything. Bucky's head rose slowly from his arms, and in the dim light I could see a thin coat of tears covering his face. His jaw trembled and his eyes were that of a caged wild animal; like his brain was thinking there's no way out.

The crazed look in his eyes, paired with his hollow cheekbones and tear stained face, made the man before me look nothing like the strong, fierce man I knew, that would never back down from a fight.

It looked as if he hadn't eaten since he woke up. It also looked like he hadn't moved since he fell to the ground, after realizing who he was choking.

He froze when he saw me. I expected him to relax, stand, maybe come a little closer, but Bucky just pulled himself into an even tighter ball and looked away. I'm sure you could still see the ugly bruises on my face, but I wouldn't know. I made a point of not looking in the mirror since it happened because I didn't want a reminder of it.

I swallowed a lump in my throat.

He was genuinely scared he would hurt me, so much so that he would rather starve himself to death than live. He'd rather go without sleep, food and water, just so he didn't have the strength to hurt me.

I couldn't take it anymore; I ran to him. My feet pounded against the tile floor, bringing me closer to my love, whom I welcomed with arms spread wide.

But he shied away, cowering in the corner. He made himself as small as possible, in order to get further from me; again, so I wouldn't get hurt by him.

I knelt down on the floor about five feet away from him, my heart heavy. I was still nervous about being this close to him; he could wrap his fingers around my neck in a second if he wanted to.

But I pushed the thought out of my mind, and focused on his eyes, that wouldn't meet mine.

"Bucky." I whispered. He froze again when I spoke, but he didn't respond.

"Bucky, you know who I am, right?" I asked softly, and he nodded ever so slightly, opening his mouth to reply.

"I know who you are, Sarah. And you need to get away from me." He said in a gruff, deep voice. I frowned.

"No, Bucky, I don't. You aren't dangerous." I whispered again. He shook his head fast, frowning deeply. He still wouldn't meet my eyes.

"I hurt you! I can't forgive myself for that!" He said loudly, closing his eyes and putting his hands over his ears, as if blocking out pain. I became desperate.

"Bucky, I forgive you! I know it wasn't you that did that! Please listen, you need to take care of yourself! I can't stand by and let you die!"

He then stood up quickly, walking past me and over to the hospital bed. He took a seat gingerly on the edge, staring at the floor.

"Sarah, I hurt you. I physically hurt one of the only things I've done right in this lifetime, and I mentally hurt the only other thing I've done right in my life. I can never ever forgive myself. It will never be okay again." He said, gesturing to me and Steve without looking up. His metal arm hung loosely at his side, a permanent reminder of who he was and what he had done.

I couldn't imagine having that reminder attached to me, every single day. And I understood this situation was hard for us; but we had to get past this.

"I'm the one you hurt, yet I'm also the one telling you that it will be alright. If I think we can be fixed, then we can be fixed!" I said tiredly, standing up and facing him sadly.

"Buck, It's not worth losing you over this."

Bucky didn't move for a very long time, staring at the floor. I didn't dare move until I got a response. Eventually he looked up, and although there was still pain evident in his eyes, there was a tiny smile settled on his lips.

He reached his hand out to touch my face, but suddenly every nerve in me screamed that he was going to hurt me, and I flinched.

I hoped he didn't notice.

But he did.

His hand dropped to his side with a slap, his face once again full of trouble and guilt.

"See? You're scared of me." He whispered, and he bit his lip as fresh tears shone in his eyes. I felt like crying myself, and I looked over to see Steve facing the wall with his eyes closed. He couldn't bear watching this.

"It's all my fault, Sarah, and you know it. Just leave before I hurt you again." Bucky said, and I glanced up.

"Bucky, it's not your-"

"I said leave!" He interrupted loudly, glaring at me to get the message across. I nodded so slightly that I could barely even feel that I did, and turned on my heel, following Steve out of the door.

We were broken.

And I didn't know how to fix our damaged souls.

--