aTRACKion

Chapter Four

"You and your hips seem to be enjoying themselves?" The moment Nancy leaves my side at the party, Doug is soon replacing her as my company.

Smiling, I'm liking that he's noticed I am enjoying myself. "Just having a good time." I cheerfully say as I jig gently to the beat of the music.

Tilting his head to the left, with a smirk slowly forming on his lips, Doug lowers his voice to a suggestive timbre. "And that good time shall continue."

Sounding like I am completely unaware of that very suggestive timbre of his, I complacently ask. "Why's that, then?"

"You and Nancy are on my guest list tonight at Revival, I'll see you there."

With my game face most certainly now on, my reply is once again kind of complacent. "Me and Nancy might go and have a good time somewhere else?"

His chin lowers, smirking broadly and entirely for my benefit. "No you won't." Is his incredibly confident reply. Those intense eyes are now silently asking me to tell him otherwise, because Doug DiCarto himself, knows that not even I will turn down the chance to see him DJ live. "Like I said, I'll see you and your hips there." Clearly, I'm now being acquainted with the infamous DiCarto smugness and arrogance.

The smugness and the arrogance of him, actually makes me giggle. "Do those cheesier than cheesy lines actually work for you?" I teasingly ask him.

Standing taller and confidently stepping closer, Doug grins. "Well, up until now they have."

My lips purse as I hold up my hands in playful defence. "I'm afraid those cheesy lines are falling very flat on my ears." Then I giggle again, shaking my head at just how bad they really are.

But being the cocky charmer that we all know he is, Doug DiCarto simply chucks me yet another wayward grin. "Frankie Fenner, luckily for you and your hips, I do like a challenge." With that very wayward and wicked grin of his, he then leaves me to contemplate all that he's so boldly just said as he strolls out onto the sun terrace to join some of his friends.

Bringing my vodka up to my lips, I know I am beginning to play with fire. And boy, I may just get burnt. But Doug is fun, he's cockily cute—and I like that.

Nancy is soon excitedly sidling up to me. "Was he flirting with you?" Her green eyes are wide with naughty wonder. "More importantly, were you flirting with him?"

Laughing yet cringing, I sound like I am mutating into an impressionable young fourteen year old. "Oh god, I think I might have been?"

Nancy clasps both of her hands together, dramatically blinking back at me. "I honestly couldn't be prouder. My girl is finally getting her mojo back, and getting it back with Doug DiCarto no less." Again, only this time more dramatic and more over the top, she holds her clasped hands against her chest. "I just need a moment. A moment to remember this moment." She teases.

Embarrassed but laughing, I look at Nancy. "Don't be silly. I'm just having a little fun, and he's...well, he's just being Doug DiCarto."

My excitable friend tries to keep the volume of her voice very much down. "It doesn't matter. You're flirting. He's flirting. He wants you on his track. You're going to sing on that track, and together, you're both going to create something that's going to sound like dynamite on the decks!"

Not wanting to get too carried away by the vodka and the Ibizan sun, I look seriously at Nancy. "I haven't said yes yet?"

Nance just tuts, dismissing my answer with a big roll of both her big green eyes. "Of course you're going to say yes...you wouldn't still be here if you weren't going to."

Just like always, Nancy is right.

I think I already know that I'm going to say yes. This is just too great an opportunity to pass up on. This is my chance to overcome my stage fright. My chance to show all of those who were cruel and judgmental, that I deserve to be on that stage. And to be on that stage, with Doug DiCarto. And I can't lie, having someone like him wanting my vocals on one of his tracks, is just a HUUUUUUUUGE ego boost for my very scarred ego. Him wanting something that I have, fills me with fledgling confidence.

So using some of that fledgling confidence, I finally answer Nancy. "You know what, Nance? I am going to do this."

Cuddling me ecstatically tight, Nance can barely contain herself. "I'm so happy for you, hun. It's now time to start really believing in yourself. You're here because you deserve to be here. You're here because Doug has heard your voice and he believes in your voice."

Belief in myself is something I have a love/hate relationship with. I know I can sing. I know that. Mum and dad always told me that I sang way before I ever spoke a single word. And when I sing, nothing else seems to matter. When I used to sing, I would forget the size of my waist. When I sang, I would forget food. I would forget why food had become such a terrible source of comfort to me. I would forget the death of my fifteen year old boyfriend. I would forget how meningitis took him from me and took him away from his family. When I sang, I would forget it all. But when I wasn't singing, I would eat. I would eat to make myself feel better. But the more food I ate, the bigger I became. It became a destructive viscous cycle. My grief made me eat. Eating made me bigger. Bigger made me eat some more. Bigger made me grieve some more. The only time I ever felt like the thin girl who used to have Marcus in her life, was when I sang. Marcus loved to hear me sing. He believed in every word I used to sing to him. And because of his belief in me all the time that he was alive, I held onto it during his death. I kept on singing. I was no longer the thin teenager who used to twirl his dirty blond hair between my fingers while we listened to music, and I wasn't the thin teenager who used to make him laugh because I was terrified of moths; I had grown into an overweight woman who still sang so beautifully, but no longer felt beautiful. My unhealthy relationship with food had become something so ingrained in me, I never thought I'd manage to break the cruel cycle of it.

But Lovers and Leavers, Falco and all the spiteful social media remarks, made something change inside of me. I was unhappy. I knew it was time to do something about that unhappiness. Music and songs have always been my life, they will always be my life, so I used them to reach for my happiness. That's where Zumba and Clubbercise played their wonderful and important parts. Nothing beats exercising to loud and uplifting music. When the music starts, my body then belongs to that music. I literally danced my cares away. I danced my way to fitness and to happiness. I don't think that anything gets the endorphins going, more than music does. And endorphins are really good for a troubled soul. My very troubled soul soaked up those endorphins, it drank them all up. Over time, just as my troubles were shrinking, so was I.

Marcus and that beautiful belief of his in me, is what always kept the songs in my heart. His sweet legacy, is why I continued to sing. His sweet legacy is why I am here now, in Ibiza.

Am I still terrified?

Yes, yes I am.

Can I really do this?

Yes, I have to.

I sing.

I sing, and everything just feels as it should feel.

Singing, it's what I was born to do. No matter how terrified I am. No matter how much I doubt myself. I have to do this. I have to put my vocals down on one of Doug DiCarto's tracks.

**Video above is: WAKE ME UP - AVICII**