aTRACKion

Chapter Thirty Five

Doug....

I'm beginning to think that we all have to dwell in the lows to celebrate the highs.

Since living with my girl, I feel like I can cope with just about anything—mum, my music, my future.

For so long, I haven't been a part of a family. But that has all changed now. Geraldine and Roger have openly and warmly allowed me to become a part of theirs. Not only do I have the love of their daughter, I have their growing kindness and support as well...not to mention the funny adoration of their very lively son.

And I know I am incredibly lucky to have that kindness and support.

After all, Frankie and I really haven't been together that long, have we?

But maybe just as I am so sure about their daughter, maybe they are about me?

I try not to think too deeply into it.

That's when I kind of destructively start to dismantle everything.

My life is good...let's just stick with that.

A big shift is happening in my life right now, and I'm loving the ride so far. Giving up the Revival gig is absolutely the right thing to do. I want to get back into more of the producing side of things and less of the DJ touring. I have a steady stream of ideas rippling through me, so I just want to immerse myself in all of them.

Creatively, I feel in a good place.

Personally, I'm in a very good place.

Love sure can stir up some amazing things inside of a person, and Frankie is stirring up many amazing things inside of me.

She doesn't yet know it, but I want her to become a part of the DiCarto team. She's already a personal part of me, I'd also like her to become a professional part of me. She has so much talent and such incredible musical insight, I want to harness it all to the DiCarto brand. In what way, I'm not entirely sure yet, but once I am, Frankie will certainly be the first to know.

I just wish that she would believe in her own talent. She's so enthralled with mine, she doesn't ever acknowledge her own.

When Frankie sings, people fall in love with her voice. But because of what happened to her all those years ago, she has become locked in that unforgettable memory of her hellish time on the stage.

It's now my job to free her from that memory.

It's my job to get her to feel like she can finally own a stage.

Frankie keeps trying to hide her fears about performing Hear The Chant at Revival, but I know it's there...I often see it wide and so wild in her pretty blue eyes.

Just as she has helped me with my mum, I am now going to help her.

"I'm off to work now, okay?" Frankie breezes into my scaled down studio at my flat in Shoreditch.

"Is it that time already?" I've been so caught up with messing around with new samples, time has crazily ran away with me. 

Raking her fingers affectionately through my hair, Frankie nods with a soft and knowing smile. "I'm afraid so. There's that leftover Lasagne in the fridge, okay?"

Pulling her into my lap, I bring her closer into me. "I'm sorry, babe, I feel like I've really neglected you today...it's not just me living here now, so you must tell me when I'm being antisocial, okay?"

Frankie laughs softly. "Don't worry. I've been busy putting some much-needed feminine touches to your living room and your bedroom, so I've happily been very preoccupied." She starts fiddling with the collar of my polo shirt, cutely frowning as she does. "Besides, I don't mind you working on your music...music is what you wonderfully do best."

My love for this woman actually makes my heart miss a powerful beat. "I can't tell you how much I love you, Frankie Fenner."

Grinning, she gorgeously quirks one of her dark eyebrows at me. "Enough to not mind the aubergine fluffy throws, cushions and the love heart lights all around your mirrors?"

Squeezing her thighs, I lovingly kiss her ear lobe. "I looooove aubergine fluffy throws, cushions and love heart lights around my mirrors."

Giggling at my tickly kiss, Frankie gives me one final hug before removing herself from my lap. "I'll be back about half past ten tonight."

"I'll make sure I have a bubble bath ready for you, I'll even light some candles as well." I'm still holding her one hand, not really wanting her to go just yet.

"Well, I've already told you how much I love your jacuzzi bath...it's perfect for sharing?" Teasingly, she rubs her nose sexily slow against mine.

Smiling at her seduction and the sweet memory of just how excited she got when she first saw my jacuzzi bath, my reply is arousingly now low. "Me and my bath shall both be waiting for you."

As she stands taller, our fingers reluctantly separate. "Laters, boyfriend!" Frankie waves, blowing me a silly little kiss before she leaves.

"Laters, girlfriend!" My smile happily belongs to her. Every moment I get to have with that beautiful woman, the more of my heart she gets to own.

When I hear the door close gently behind Frankie, I already miss her being here. Getting up from my swivel studio chair, I retrace the steps that Frankie has only just made across my flat. I look around the place, wondering how the hell I lasted being here all alone for as long as I did. I guess I just filled it with friends and professional contacts. I suppose it is a pretty cool place to hang out in—a funky brick flat that's within a converted warehouse building right in the centre of Shoreditch.

Frankie loves the high ceilings and the exposed brickwork, and the jacuzzi bath, of course. Her place only has a shower, so my girl loves nothing more than to turn herself into a white prune in my large and luxurious bath whenever she is here.

I, just love seeing her in my large and luxurious bath.

In fact, I just love being with her.

It doesn't matter whether it's here or at her place, I just love getting to be with her. There's an inner freedom that I always get from loving her. She lets me do my thing. She doesn't ever seem to infringe on my time or my space...she simply makes both of them better.

The only thing I do regret, is that mum is not of sound mind to know just how happy Frankie really does now make me. I sometimes take her with me to see my mum, and I would just love for my mother to be able to converse with the woman that I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. It would be so great for my mum to understand that her boy has finally grown into a man, and that her son is finally happy with someone...just like she felt about my father.

If only she could know that.

If only.

But, I know she never will.

It seems like the more I gain from being with Frankie, the more I lose of my mother.

Her Alzheimer's is in its final stages. I have been told that and I am now oddly ready for it.

There's no cure for mum's condition and no cure for my pain, I'm beginning to accept that as well. That alone, makes me feel 100% better about things.

I don't know how long my mum has left, I only know that I am finally able to be a part of what time she does have left. I still do feel like my mother is no longer really here, but all the time that the body that she has lived and breathed in is still here, I am going to spend my time with it...it's what my mum deserves, what I know she would have wanted.

**The track above is: AIN'T NOBODY (LOVES ME BETTER) - FELIX JAEHN ft JASMINE THOMPSON**