aTRACKion

Chapter Forty

Doug....

I need a sec, just to replay Frankie's words back to myself again.

Pregnant?

No, she can't be?

Yes, we've had a lot of sex, but we've always had a lot of protective sex.

"Doug?" Through her many tears, Frankie is trying to reach me.

"I thought we were being careful?" Numbly slides off my tongue while I morosely stare out of the car windscreen.

"We have been." On a brittle breath, Frankie's voice is now so choked, so overwhelmed.

Closing my eyes, I need one more second to gather myself. Just a second longer to try to be strong for my girl, who is rapidly falling apart in the seat right beside me. "First things first, we need to buy a pregnancy test."

Still crying, Frankie feebly nods. "I'm so sorry, Doug. I'm so sorry for putting you through all of this. Through all of this right now." She can barely breathe, which quietly starts to break my heart.

Frankie is tying herself up with blame, blame that I quickly need to set her free from. "Babe, this isn't how this works. Together, we will face this...okay?" Reaching for her wet and flushed face, I calmly stroke her left cheek with the back of my fingers. "Let's go and buy a test, then go from there, yeah?" The corners of my mouth offer her a smile, a smile that can promise nothing more than a small amount of optimism.

Sniffing in a succession of heart-rending sobs, Frankie still looks so pitifully afraid and sorry. "Okay." Just like me, she doesn't have much more to offer.

She's scared.

She's panicking.

She's upset.

But she isn't alone.

**

With the digital pregnancy test laid flat on the floor between us, both myself and Frankie watch the black dots that flash to tell us that the test is now working. Holding hands, with our backs propped against the bath and our knees bent up, we nervously wait for the all-telling result.

We both have three minutes to prepare for the possibility of becoming parents. Three minutes of wondering whether we can be parents. Three minutes of wondering whether we want to be parents.

I have so many plans, so many dreams, and being a dad just isn't top of my plans and my dreams, right now.

One day, yes...just not today.

It's not that I don't love Frankie.

It's not that I can't imagine having children with her.

I do.

I can.

Just not today.

In silence, a million thoughts must be milling around both of our numbly functioning minds. Thoughts that are so mixed up and so blindly confused, that we both don't even know how to put them into words. So instead, we just hold hands and continue to wait.

Waiting for our future.

Waiting for our fate.

Inhaling sharply, the waiting is making me edgy. It's beginning to make me agitated. But I have to suppress it. Frankie hasn't long stopped crying, so I don't want my frustrations to set her off again.

She keeps apologising.

She keeps blaming herself.

Knowing that I've only just lost my mum, is making Frankie feel so damn gutted about all of this. But the blame game isn't my thing.

We both had sex.

We both thought we were having safe sex.

Now, we both just need to confirm whether Frankie is pregnant or not. The rest of our lives, is now in the hands of the pregnancy test that's still working in between us.

Together, we keep on staring down at it. Just when I think my patience can't actually take anymore, a fateful word is soon staring back at us: Pregnant.

Shocked silence is thickly all around us. That silence, makes it hard for us both to breathe. Picking up the test, I hold it between my fingers, staring hard at the word again: Pregnant.

Frankie is pregnant.

We are pregnant.

Beside me, Frankie lowers her head and buries it between her bent up knees. "I'm so sorry, Doug...so sorry."

Sweeping my arm around her, I numbly go into protective mode. "It's going to be okay. We just need to think things over, then make a decision." My other arm sweeps itself around Frankie, just wanting to console her through the uncertainty of what is happening to us.

A baby changes everything.

Everything.

We don't yet know anything, only that we are pregnant.

I think we both need time.

Time for the shock to sink in.

For me, that shock has to combine itself with my grief.

Although I am trying to be strong, I feel so frail inside.

The timing of this pregnancy couldn't be any more worse.

In fact, the timing is full-on shit.

I'm only just getting used to being with Frankie. Getting used to loving her. I know that I adore her, that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But having a child, I wanted that with her much later on. For now, I want to enjoy it just being us. Selfishly, I want her all to myself.

Is that wrong?

Is that self-centred?

My mother hasn't even been cremated yet, and now I need to wrangle with the idea of being a father.

It's all too soon.

I know I'm not ready.

As soon as I can, I just need to be alone to think.

I need thinking space. Time to breathe.

Once Frankie has calmed down.

Once I know that she's stopped crying.

Once I know she can do without me for a little while...I will find that time.

💋 Mallion Interlude 💋

Again...... OH. MY. WORD. 😱😳😬
It's confirmed.... Doug & Frankie ARE pregnant!!

The track above is the poignant: SIGN of the TIMES - HARRY STYLES