aTRACKion

Chapter Twenty Five

Doug....

I can't believe I am actually doing this, but the fact that I am doing this, means something.

And Frankie...she means something.

That is why I have brought her here, and it's one of the most hardest things I have ever done, because I keep all those around me very separate from my mother. But it is time to let someone in. It's time to allow someone to step inside the morose part of myself that I have always kept so very well hidden from public view. It's a part of myself that can literally squeeze the air from my lungs and grip painfully tight around my beating heart.

And sometimes, I do stupid things at stupid times, because of that morose part of myself.
I have been so happy with Frankie, I actually thought that maybe that morose part of myself might decide to go and do one. But it hasn't.

It has no intention of going anywhere.

I think that's why I did that stupid coke last night.

Why I now have to be here, here with Frankie.

I just need her to understand. I need her to understand the reason why I sometimes do things that not even I understand.

Music has always been my escape. It's always been my sanctuary, somewhere that I could always run away from my troubles when they sometimes catch up with me. And I have troubles. Troubles that I never share. Because no one can help me with those troubles.

Being an only child, I have no siblings to share all of those troubles with. When my dad died, I became the only one who would always be there for my mum. And for many years, I have been there. And for many years, she was also there for me.

Then things began to change.

Her being there for me, slowly began to fade.

In turn, my being there for her also began to fade.

The beginning of that all ending, still haunts me to this day.

It has become all that I now run away from.

I have never felt ready to tell anyone about those ghosts.

I have never wanted to admit to the shame that regularly crawls beneath my skin, because of those ghosts.

Until now.

Until Frankie.

"What a pleasant surprise." After waiting for someone to let us inside, both Frankie and I are met at the front door by Wendy; one of the care assistants that has worked at Chestnut Cottage for many years. "Your mum is just in the communal room, we are having a bit of a sing-song in there this afternoon." Wendy is now smiling while her kind and experienced eyes subtly drift over to Frankie's direction as she safely closes the door behind us. "If you quickly sign in, I'll then take you both through."

In a hurried manner, I now feel like I ought to explain why I have someone with me. "This is my girlfriend, Frankie." I know I don't have to explain why I have company for this visit to see my mother, but Wendy does look politely surprised to see someone by my side while I'm quickly signing us both into the visitors book. Wendy knows that for the last two years that I have been coming here, I have always come alone.

"Nice to meet you, Frankie. Now you're all signed in, please follow me." With such a polite and warm smile, Wendy starts leading the way to my mother.

Frankie seems nervous as she glances over at me, wanting me to follow Wendy before she does. Guiltily, I smile as I do; beginning to feel really guilty for deciding to even bring her here.