aTRACKion

Chapter Forty One

Doug is lost.

Although he hasn't said anything to that effect, I know he is lost.

He doesn't know how to feel, how to react, or even what to rightly say.

I am pregnant. What can he say?

I am so disappointed in myself, disappointed in us. I am confused by what is happening, confused by what we have caused. I will even go as far to saying that I'm angry. Angry at us both. Angry at our stupidity. And finally, I feel gut-deep guilty. Guilty, because Doug has only just lost his mum. Guilty, because he already has enough to deal with in his life.

How can I expect him to do anymore, than what he is already doing through all of his grief?

God, this is all such a mess. A mess that I don't understand.

How could we both be so irresponsible, even when we thought we were being responsible?

None of this makes sense. None of it.

All I have done this evening, is cry and apologise. While Doug has inwardly been battling our pregnancy in his own distressed head.

Yes, he held me.

Yes, he appeared strong.

But I saw the burden of our dilemma in his jaded brown eyes.

I felt the uncertainty in all of the cuddles that he bravely kept giving to me.

I saw it, felt it, I knew it.

I knew it, because I felt just the same.

I'm so scared.

So confused.

Motherhood isn't something I yet want. It's not something I am remotely prepared for. I haven't even been feeling pregnant. Maybe this is all just a terrible, terrible mistake?

But if I really am pregnant, then all of this is still a terrible, terrible mistake. A mistake that may cost me Doug. Getting pregnant, might destroy us. It might finish us, just when we're beginning.

Curling up into a foetal ball in the bed, more of my tears slide down my left cheek, sliding down onto the dampened pillow. My tears have been many. So have my thoughts. And still, I don't know what to do.

I told Doug I was tired, because I just needed somewhere that I could cry all by myself. We both know that we have a lot to face tomorrow, we both know that we have to talk about what we are going to do...but tonight, I just need to cry.

While I have been crying, I am sure that Doug might be somewhere doing just the same as me. After all that he has been through, all that he is currently going through, discovering that I am pregnant, is no doubt going to have damaging emotional repercussions for him.

I heard him quietly leave the apartment earlier on, and I let him.

Doug needs time, just like I do.

Although he had done nothing but comfort me throughout most of the evening, I am now so scared of the man who will finally return back to the apartment.

What if Doug decides that he can't do this?

That he doesn't want to do this?

Becoming a father, maybe that will be a step too far, too soon, for him?

Holding a pillow against my stomach, I clench it tighter. I'm scared. Scared, sad, and now I feel slightly sick. All of my fears and my terrified thoughts are becoming more and more marred by an overwhelming nausea and tiredness. I am mentally depleted. Physically fatigued.

I am scared of Doug taking back his love.

I am scared of being pregnant.

I am scared of having to make a decision about being pregnant.

Today is a day that changes everything.

On account of today, I could lose the man that I love.

Decisions that need to be made because of today, will more than likely destroy all that we have.

Because of today, we need to decide whether or not we keep this baby.

If we do, I'm scared that because it's too soon into our relationship, that the flames of our love will eventually be extinguished by our unexpected parenthood.

If we don't keep the baby, I'm scared that it will just the same, eventually extinguish our love.

How do you ever get over getting rid of a baby?

Is it really something that you can ever move on from?

And being a parent, how do people actually cope with that?

How would we cope with it?

There's so much that needs addressing, but I'm just not ready to address it. I'm weary. I'm lost...just as Doug is.

I love him so much. And I know that he loves me, but through my weariness and all of my falling tears, I just don't know whether we can actually survive this.

**The track above is: DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE - DAVID GUETTA ft ANNE MARIE