aTRACKion

Chapter Twenty Eight

Today, I have learned so much about Doug.

After leaving Chestnut House and while having something to eat, he really opened up to me about his hellish journey with his mum.

He talked about how it all first began just over four years ago.

His adoring mother went from being a calm, caring and patient woman, to a frustrated, confused and foul-mouthed individual.

At the time, Doug himself and the local GP, figured that maybe his mother was simply going through an early menopause. But as time went on, it became clear that it was more than just some hormonal changes.

Doug emotionally explained how she began to complain to him about having severe insomnia. When he would visit her, she would seem constantly unsettled and the house and herself were being noticeably neglected. As her son, Doug knew deep in his heart that something was really wrong, and now feels crippled with guilt for not acting upon those feelings much sooner. But as he explained, whenever he tried to persuade his mum to see another doctor, she would furiously flip and tell him to stay out of her life—which again, was a reaction that was so unlike his pacific mother.

The turning point came when she once rang Doug in the middle of the night, hysterical and completely confused, demanding to know why he wasn't back home yet—even though he had moved out of the family home many years before.

It was then that Doug decided to get a home visit from his mother's GP. From there, it took many more months of having tests and referrals to specialists before the official Alzheimer's diagnosis was finally first given.

That diagnosis changed everything.

Doug moved back into the family home, trying to be there for his mum, all the while managing his hugely successful DJ and music production career. But the change in his mum was one he just couldn't handle. He found himself getting angry with her. He became intolerant of her odd and challenging behaviour. Shamefully, he became embarrassed of his own mother. Completely choked up, he told me how his mum always used to take such great pride in her appearance, but the Alzheimer's made her unable to simply put a well presented outfit together. She began chewing food in her mouth and then spitting it back out into her hand, just to play with it by using her fingers. She also began ripping up the family photographs. Doug had to eventually hide all of the photo albums because his mum was slowly destroying them—destroying all that Doug felt he had left of their good times together.

Caring for his mother all on his own, Doug freely admitted he never coped well with it. He freely admitted to being strongly resentful of it the whole time.

The final straw came for him when he one day received a phone call from the husband of one of his mum's very good friends. Apparently his mum had rudely rang to ask why her friend hadn't shown up for their lunch date that afternoon, which caused some obvious distress to that husband, because sadly his wife had died of cancer nearly a year before.

Doug then knew that after trying to do it all by himself, he no longer possibly could. With his work commitments and his stress levels going through the roof, he sought help from the local social services.

His mother's needs were soon assessed, and from there, it was determined that a care package did need to be put in place. But that care package soon wasn't enough for the drastic decline in his mum's condition. She quickly went from having carers visit her home three times a day, to respite day visits to Chestnut House and an overnight carer at home, which then sadly ended with her needing permanent residential care there.

Professionally, Doug was often absent.

Emotionally, he was becoming more and more absent.

For those very difficult reasons, difficult decisions had to be made.

Making that decision to put his mum into a care home, brought about instant relief to Doug, but that instant relief soon turned to something far more unsettling. Doug became locked in a relentless and viscous circle. He could no longer cope with even seeing his mum. He couldn't cope with any aspect of her Alzheimer's. So he pulled more and more away from it. Then he would hate himself for pulling away. Then he would start hating his mum for making him pull away. He knew he couldn't and wouldn't ever accept the disease. He knew he couldn't and wouldn't be able to manage the disease. So, emotionally he chose to remain in the background of his mother's illness.

That viscous circle has been never ending for Doug.

That viscous circle still has him in its cruel grip.

Even though he is his mother's Power of Attorney, and he has ensured that all of her caring needs are being met, Doug is punishing himself for all that has happened. He carries so much inner blame. That inner blame eats away at him every single day.

What if he had ordered an assessment on his mother sooner?

What if he had been around more often?

What if he had been more patient?

What if he had loved her more through the Alzheimer's diagnosis?

There are so many what ifs and so much blame miserably still inside of Doug, all I could do was listen to him and hold his hand across the table where we had just eaten our meals.

I listened, because I love him.

I held his hand, because I love him.

Yes, he could have done things differently, but he doesn't need me to tell him that...Doug already knows that himself.

We are all human.

We make mistakes.

We sometimes get things badly wrong.

I told him how my mum struggled with grandma's dementia. How she had to make the very same and painful decision to place her own mother into a care home. I wanted Doug to hear that he's not the only one who has had to go through this awful journey. I also wanted him to hear that he now doesn't need to go through it all alone anymore.

In some way or another, we have both suffered such tragic losses.

Doug lost his father. He is now losing his mother.

I lost Marcus. I then lost myself.

But maybe it's those tragic losses that now bind Doug and I so strongly together?

He always tells me that it was my voice that first spoke to his heart.

Maybe he heard the pain in my voice?

Maybe it resonated with his very own pain?

I guess it no longer matters.

What now truly matters is this...we are together.

Physically and soulfully now together.

There was once a time when I would question whether I could ever move forward from my past. But I have, I am still moving forward from it.

That is what I want to show to Doug.

I want him to take strength from all that he thinks are now his weaknesses. He has been through so much already, and I know he has so much more to go through yet. But I am hoping that our togetherness will comfort him through it all.

He has already been through so much on his own. He is a man so immersed in a world so full of people, yet he has struggled through his mother's illness all alone.

I don't want him to struggle through anymore of it alone.

I don't want him feeling like he is fighting this disease all by himself.

He isn't alone.

He is now with me.

And now loved by me.

**MALLION INTERLUDE 💋**

Hey lovelies, I hope that Doug's backstory is giving you some more insight into his life, and his painful experiences with his mother. As always, I looooooove hearing your views and your feelings, and of course, getting that lovely like from you guys**

The AH-MAZING track above is: HUMAN - RAG'n'BONE MAN