The Reluctant Adventures of Pigglebottom Broadsword

Chapter Nine

It was night once Pigglebottom finally entered the city of Femidome, the city itself was a bustling hub of activity by day but once darkness fell the market stalls were dismantled and the families went home, leaving only the seediest of the cities' inhabitants still wandering the streets. As Pigglebottom walked hurriedly down the main road directly into the town square at the centre of the city, he felt many a gaze burning into him as the hushed whispers from the darkness filled his head with thoughts of muggings and stabbings. Pigglebottom was not a fan of wandering the streets of Femidome at night, even during his days as a citizen he would ensure he was at home well before sundown, with the multiple locks on his front door securely fastened. The sight of the local paper coming through the door in the morning was enough to make his breakfast re-appear. Headlines like 'Small Man Beaten by Large Man Until Death' and 'Streets Run Red with Blood of Innocents and Small Men' were enough to strike fear into any cowardly small man's heart. The streetlights flickered, seemingly in time with Pigglebottom passing them and steam from the numerous vents and cracks in the floor bellowed out obscuring his vision which made him even more uneasy for what he might be wandering straight into. He had been gone for less than a month, but even in that time, it seemed the city he had once called home had now become totally alien to him.

Pigglebottom aimlessly wandered the streets waiting for a normal-looking person to appear that he could speak with, he was extremely careful to avoid any areas in which he may know the inhabitants, and as such opted for areas which were unknown even to him. He was desperate for information regarding the missing child but was so frightened by the stares and hisses that the loiterers offered that he wasn't even able to approach anyone. After walking in a circle, Pigglebottom spied a lady standing underneath a dim street light in the distance. As he approached her she looked in his direction and flashed him a smile. This was the first time any woman, that he wasn't previously acquainted with, had smiled at him in his entire lifetime, and as a result he nervously spun in the opposite direction and walked briskly away from her as he remembered the stern advice his mother had given him when he was a young lad; "If a woman winks, smiles or blows a kiss at you, she's after somethin', trust me, with a face like yours, she's definitely after something".

After wandering aimlessly for a while through the dim streets, Pigglebottom decided his search for information was fruitless and settled upon going with his 'Last Resort Plan'. This plan involved meeting an 'acquaintance' Pigglebottom had had dealings with in the past. The person in question was his cousin (from his mother's side); Burty Boggleswash.

Pigglebottom had deemed that going to his cousin would be an absolute last resort as there was no love-loss between the two. Burty was roughly a decade older than Pigglebottom and yet certainly no more mature, which resulted in them regularly butting heads. From an early age, Pigglebottom took an instant dislike towards Burty, his generally untrustworthy and seedy nature turned him off completely and as such he made sure to keep his cousin at arm's length for the rest of his life. As boys within the same family, they had often been forced to play together, which usually involved Burty taking charge and forcing Pigglebottom to commit lewd acts such as running through the Town Square naked as the day he was born, or hiding in the changing rooms of the Women's Femidome Rugby Club to take pictures for Burty's 'personal collection'. Despite his intense dislike of his cousin, Pigglebottom knew Burty was his best chance to acquire knowledge regarding the sludge boy's whereabouts. Well known for his nosiness and impeccable hearing, Burty knew all there was to know about every inhabitant in Femidome, even down to ridiculously insignificant details that no one would be interested in such as what Mrs. Swineyhine had for breakfast on the Tuesday of that week, or what time Arthur Ucksake put his bins out every night. In the past, Burty had been of great use to Baron Broadsword, his wealth of knowledge was endlessly helpful for Baron and the two would spend many an evening together sharing stories, Barons' of his exploits outside of Femidome and Burty of all the juicy gossip and "smutty stuff" that was going on in the town. Burty Boggleswash lived in Old Town. An exceedingly run-down area (even by Femidome's standards) where the buildings had long since crumbled and the roads were paved with giant potholes leading to the city's grimy sewers beneath. Pigglebottom himself had lived on the outskirts of Old Town from a very young age, his fathers' adventuring company, however, had been situated firmly in the affluent 'Dosh District' (at the request of Baron), which housed the wealthier inhabitants of Femidome. Attempting to find his cousin, Pigglebottom decided to wander towards Old Town, and as he did, shuffled his feet as he attempted to walk quickly, but not too quickly as to arouse any suspicion or unwanted interest. He had made it to the corner of Burpwater Avenue in Dosh District when he spied a strange sight. Across the road lay a building he had definitely never seen before, its gaudy signage and decor were impossible to miss, especially since it seemed every lamp in the building was burning at full brightness as if to make sure the citizens of Femidome wouldn't forget its existence. Pigglebottom walked closer like a moth drawn to a particularly ugly flame. 'Who on earth would create such an eyesore' he wandered as his gaze slowly moved up towards the sign. 'No... surely not' Pigglebottom muttered to himself in disbelief as he read the sign out loud. "Burty's Bistro" there was no mistaking that this gross looking establishment was owned by his cousin, not only was the look of the restaurant in typically un-tasteful Boggleswash fashion, but next to the sign lay a giant metal rendering of his cousins face, there was no mistake, it seemed Burty was now a high flyer.

Pigglebottom stood outside the restaurant for a while, peering inside and marveling at the horrible monstrosity of its furnishings and mismatched furniture. He could see the entire contents of the place thanks to its lights illuminating every badly designed corner. Pictures of Burty with famous figures of Kroydome adorned nearly every inch of every wall such as Bog Logablog, a famous writer whose debut novel 'And Lo, The Tide Turneth Towards T'earth' became a bestseller when Bog himself was only 6 years old. Pigglebottom had absolutely no idea how Burty had acquired his new-found status as for as long as he'd known him, the only thing he'd ever shown any interest in was either women, torturing Pigglebottom or a combination of the two. Pigglebottom remained motionless, staring at the restaurant until a door opened in the back and a small goblin-like shadow shuffled out, it was unmistakably his cousin. His mother's side of the family all shared fairly distinct similarities, small stature, greenish skin and a lumpy over-sized nose. Burty had a hunched frame, with long greasy brown hair swept back and tied in what could only be described as a 'rat tail'. He wore a long and sauce-drenched dressing gown with previously white and once-fluffy slippers on his feet. He seemed to be sweeping the floor of the restaurant despite it being seemingly spotless already. After a few swipes and swishes with the broom, Burty's eyes met Pigglebottom, a blank look on his face suddenly turned to a grin, one which filled Pigglebottom with a wholly unsettling feeling, he'd seen this grimace many times in his life and it usually occurred before he was forced to do something he didn't want to do.

Burty shuffled towards the door, flicking open what seemed like 10+ locks (perhaps it ran in the family) before finally opening the door.

"Heeeeello Piggleface!" Burty shouted with a twisted glee.

"Hello... Burty" Pigglebottom responded somewhat despondently.

"Been a while since I've seen you, couple of years eh?" Towards the end of his time in Femidome, Pigglebottom decided he would withdraw from all family functions and occasions, not that anyone actually noticed his absence.

"Yes, I suppose it is, actually Burty I need some information" Pigglebottom stated in an attempt to cut straight to the point.

"Aren't you going to ask me about this place? Ho-ho, a lot has happened since you've been gone. I started running with a couple of gangs in the city, before I knew it I was top off the food chain! Got enough money to make this place from scratch now I'm practically running the town" Burty guffawed spitting crumbs of whatever it was he had just eaten directly at Pigglebottom's face.

"That's very good to hear, but I'm afraid the clock is against me, I need some information regarding a group that might have passed through here in the last few days, would you happen to know anything at all, even just the tiniest bit of information would be greatly appreciated..." Pigglebottom said attempting to avoid any drawn out conversations.

"Oh, its information you want is it? Sorry Piggy but I've gone up in the world, I don't earwig on conversations no more for other people's benefit, now I have people doing it for me you see! You could say I've hit the big time. I walk down the street and people look the other way now!" Burty proclaimed proudly.

"I thought they always did look the other way" Pigglebottom responded in hushed tones.

"What was that?" Burty shouted.

"Oh, nothing, no nothing at all. Ok, well I suppose I shall have to ask around town to see if anyone has information, I'm sorry to have bothered you." said Pigglebottom as he turned and walked away.

"Wait a second... I said I don't earwig no more, didn't say I don't know nuffin'. But you know my terms... my 'payment'." Burty said. Pigglebottom shuddered at the suggestion, he knew exactly what Burty wanted. You see, back in his informant days, Burty would trade information for, well... 'adult' stories. Having an obsession with the female form from a very young age there was nothing he loved more than a spicy story of a steamy rendezvous, unbeknownst to Pigglebottom and his mother, Baron never once had to pay Burty for his information as he had a wealth of stories of his own, each more exciting and erotic than the last, to satiate Burty's appetite, unbeknownst to Pigglebottom of course.

Pigglebottom sighed a heavy breath, then turned around to face his cousin, nodding dejectedly in agreement to Burty's offer.

"Well then! I'll put a pot of tea on!" Burty exclaimed excitedly as he ushered his cousin into the restaurant.