The Reluctant Adventures of Pigglebottom Broadsword

Chapter Eleven

As the sun began to climb higher into the blue abyss above, Pigglebottom passed through the winding streets of New Town northwards where he would pass once more through the presumably empty border control, out into the wilds of Northern Kroydome. It would be the first time he had ever traversed such supposedly treacherous lands, which he had only learned about in his fathers Adventuring Tomes and the odd 'splash mag' which his only friend at school, young Bilberry Barnacle, would occasionally lend him for a small fee. As he inched closer to the city walls he turned back to look upon the buildings of Femidome and admire their characteristically ugly splendour, almost as if it was to be the last time. The pointed, misaligned tops of the buildings hung over at an angle as if on the precipice of crumbling towards the earth, and the window panes sat awkwardly in their frames, some of which lay shattered, the glass long since smashed from out of them. With each passing step, Pigglebottom's knees became increasingly weak as they quivered with the fear of the unknown that lay ahead. His mission, despite gaining some extra information, was still worryingly vague, this vagueness was especially worrying for a person who, when leaving the house, would check his windows and doors were firmly shut multiple times before exiting. Despite the fear swelling in the pit of his stomach, Pigglebottom soldiered on and continued his weaving through the slowly forming crowds which were eager to take advantage of the daily bargains on offer at the market stalls. His destination was that of the great land of Desterlasioul which was home to a vast, dusty terrain which was frequently lashed with sandstorms that had caused many a man to lose his life to.

By the time that Pigglebottom reached the Town Square the sun was just about peaking over the tops of the buildings, it was seemingly reluctant to perform its duties and as such, hung wistfully in the air providing just about enough sunshine to light the streets. A total of eight roads led directly from the town square it in all directions, and in the Town Square sat a statue. The statue depicted the heroic legend Baron Broadsword in all his handsome glory, with numerous scantily-clad women lying draped at his feet. A sign below it read 'commissioned and paid for by Baron Broadsword'. Pigglebottom approached the statue that had previously seemed so valiant and impressive, now all it seemed to Pigglebottom was tacky, tasteless and poorly made. Pigglebottom stood motionless for a moment as the wind whistled through his Poncho, sending a shiver down his spine as his tangled and unwashed hair whipped back and forth across his equally unwashed face. For the first time in his life, Pigglebottom felt like he didn't really know his father, not as much as other people might have.

Pigglebottom continued his walk, choosing the most northerly street which lead from the Town Square. He continued trudging through the narrow street, jumping over piles of rubbish and dodging the odd rat until he reached a long road which was all too familiar to Pigglebottom, and unfortunately unavoidable. It was the place where his former office had sat, the same location where he had left his mother, just a week or so before, completely unaware and confused, and more terrifyingly; angry. Pigglebottom looked left and right before crossing the busy street, as he was instructed in his youth, which itself was packed with bicycles, tricycles, quadrycles and even some tetrohedycles (which were particularly complex to operate). The town was starting to come alive as the noises of the Crapple seller's shouts of "Get yer crapples ere, only the crappiest in Femidome!" and the stench exuding from the Fortune Smellers tents filled the air, as did the taste of sweet Testicola which was being served up by the barrel full. Weaving his way through the crowds of people and avoiding certain death by a whisker multiple times, Pigglebottom finally reached the other side of the busy street, but not before his heart skipped a beat. What was it that caused poor old Pigglebottom to be filled with such intense fear I hear you cry? Well, dear reader, the answer is simple, he felt a presence. When acknowledging this presence Pigglebottom's entire body stiffened in fear, a fear so frightful indeed! Time slowed almost to a complete halt as, through the motionless and face-less crowd, an aura began to become visible. The aura, a particularly oppressive and negative one at that, glowed fiercely around a shape that was unmistakably troll-like shape. There was no question as to what it was, it was a Boggleswash, and the worst one at that: Pigglebottom's mother. His eyes darted in the opposite direction as his body suddenly jolted back to life, with a spring in his step he propelled himself forward as time resumed its natural pace and Pigglebottom hurtled through the crowds of bodies to safety. In an instant, he found himself now away from the busy long road and in the safe confines of a narrow alleyway which led directly away from the strip and towards the border. As Pigglebottom's legs continued to transport him down the street at breakneck speed, the border gradually came into view. Pigglebottom glided through the square metal gate and landed in a stomp of dust. He stood for a moment, motionless again, his eyes settled down and focused on the top of a tree as a Purple Crane came into view and nestled into the top of the foliage. It sat, too, motionless for a few moments before flying off and letting out an almighty mating call that resembled the sound of an obese man groaning. Pigglebottom dusted himself off, breathed a deep breath, and resumed walking north.

To continue north from Femidome, Pigglebottom again crossed the bridge which was currently empty save for a small horse and kart which was approaching Pigglebottom in the distance from behind. As it caught up to him, the cart slowed as it began trotting towards Pigglebottom in a relaxed fashion.

"Where ya off to, need a lift little one?" a friendly voice enquired.

"I'm heading to the north border sir, would you also be heading that way?" Pigglebottom enquired facing the oncoming horse and kart.

"Of course, not a problem, please hop on" the voice gestured. Pigglebottom slowly approached the kart and climbed up the four steep steps to the top which were almost too steep for his little legs to manage.

"Thank you very much for the lift, sir." Pigglebottom said to the driver.

"Ok." the tired old driver said, suddenly sounding not as cheery as before. Pigglebottom smiled and took his seat, attempting to get comfortable while also holding on tight to the handrail as the driver whipped the horse kicking it into high speed. They raced across the smooth surface of the bridge as the wind pinned Pigglebottom back in his chair.

"Where you headed" the driver said in a gruff voice.

"To the border sir, I'm passing into Desterlasioul. Might you know of a fort in that direction." Pigglebottom asked attempting to sit up in his seat but not succeeding.

"Fort in Desterlasioul, heh, yeah. Just keep going North, heh" the old driver quietly laughed to himself as he looked straight on, occasionally whipping the horse.

'"Where might you be headed sir." Pigglebottom enquired in a polite attempt to continue the conversation.

"Headed nowhere, just... taking some anger out." the driver muttered.

"What was that?" a familiar voice shouted as the horse suddenly ground to a halt, stopping the kart violently in its tracks as dirt and weeds flew through the air at incredible speeds. "Are you irritated? Is it perhaps something I've done?" the voice appeared again as Pigglebottom suddenly realised that the voice that he had first heard did not in fact actually belong to the driver.

"You know what! I told you, we don't! Pick up! Hitchhikers!" the driver shouted shaking his fist in the air.

The horse suddenly bucked, thrusting both of its hind-legs swiftly towards the car, firmly embedding its hooves into the forehead of the driver. A geyser of blood spurted from the old man's head as he howled in pain.

"Ahhhhhhhhrthur! What have you done! This! Again!" the driver shouted as he thrashed back and forth as blood continued to pour into the air like a volcano spewing forth its lava from within.

"Oh shut up, stop crying, it's not the first time, just put the flipping plaster on." the horse laughed as it freed itself from the reigns and paced back and forth in an irritated fashion. This was the first time Pigglebottom had ever seen a talking horse, and as such, was now terrified of all horses.

After the old man had stopped the bleeding and patched himself up, the horse and kart resumed its journey, without Pigglebottom. Just as they left, the horse offered an apology to Pigglebottom. "Sorry we can't take you any further," the horse said with a pained expression "I would but I promised him we wouldn't pick up any hitchhikers anymore so better not, sorry." With that, they trotted off into the distance. Pigglebottom estimated that he had been on the kart for roughly a total of 3 minutes, and in that short amount of time, had managed to sustain whiplash on account of the crash, and also become completely covered, from head-to-toe, in the now-dried blood of an elderly man.