The Reluctant Adventures of Pigglebottom Broadsword

Chapter Twenty-Two

"Next stop, Barbarianous!" the conductor shouted as the train screeched to a sudden halt, flinging Pigglebottom, and his things, into the corridor outside of his room. The sudden jolt of the train also caused Lord Gran to awaken from his slumber.

"Lord Gran," said Pigglebottom, "this is my stop so I must now depart, I thank you for your eternal generosity and hope that you have a safe journey".

"Fank you, lad", said Lord Gran, after a moment of confused silence Lord Gran muttered "are you the breakfast boy? If so, my order is in me pocket". Pigglebottom glanced towards Lord Gran's pocket, which seemingly had a toilet roll stuffed inside it with words scribbled onto the material. Pigglebottom waved and departed, and as he stepped off the train he filled his lungs with Barbarianous air for the first time. It was hot, dusty and had a strangely irony taste, the taste of blood, which he had grown all too familiar with recently. As Pigglebottom began his walk through the city, he looked up to see effigies of the gigantic stone giants which were said to have ruled over the legendarily violent land in olden times. As was common knowledge, Pigglebottom was aware that these particular statues stood proudly overlooking the Barbarianous coliseum, a place which he had no desire of going to, and as a result, decided to walk in the complete opposite direction.

"I know you!" a slimy voice shouted from within a crowd. "Yes! You!" the voice appeared again when Pigglebottom stopped momentarily to look around. Amidst the crowd that bustled around the area, a single finger protruded and continued to protrude until it was firmly placed in Pigglebottom's nose, an impressive feat given that the crowd itself was, in fact, a good few metres away from where he stood. Slowly, the body that the finger belonged to followed it, squeezing itself out through a crack between the bodies which were crowded around a street seller who was proudly displaying his wares whilst shouting "if anyone has cheaper prices than me I'LL STRANGLE THEM!" The finger belonged to a man, who at first appeared normal but as his limbs began to grow seemingly for no reason at all in every which direction was revealed to in fact be what residents referred to as a 'Shifty'. Creatures that looked normal but were able to bend their forms to suit whichever circumstance. The shifty, once it had reached Pigglebottom and was now standing uncomfortably close to him, began to speak once again. "I know where you off to, I take you, take you now!" he said with a somewhat garbled speech pattern.

"I don't even know where I'm going yet, so how do you?" Pigglebottom enquired.

"My eighth sense, eighth sense!" the Shifty replied.

"Eighth sense? What's your seventh?" Pigglebottom enquired confused.

"Well, I'm not gonna reveal the secrets of me ancestors to you, but I tell you this, its related to the nether regions" upon hearing the reply, Pigglebottom was grateful it was a secret that would remain one. "Look," the shifty continued "I know where you go, so let me take you. You go to 'Slim Willies' Prim an' Proper Fop Lopper aint ya?".

"I have no idea what that is, so no, I'm certainly not" Pigglebottom replied, attempting to lose the Shifty as he walked away.

"Well, you go there, you like this place, plenty to keep a man busy, yes indeed" the Shifty muttered as he began to laugh slowly to himself. As the laughter continued, Pigglebottom's ears shifted their focus to a loud trumpet being blown in the distance.

"Hear ye, hear ye... can you all hear me? I dunno if this fings on or not" the noise of someone furiously tapping the head of a microphone bellowed out across the area. "Now, all of ya gavver round now, hear? The Order of the Ooze's about to demonstrate the powers of their enlightened beings who have acquired dese abilities and whatnot through intense studying of the scriptures of slime." Upon hearing, Pigglebottom rushed to the origin of the sound to find a crowd of people all gathered around a poorly erected stage (it was essentially 3 tables stuck together), on which 3 men dressed all in some sort of green long robe, were standing, looking somewhat lifeless. The men appeared to be perhaps family members or at least countrymen as they each possessed large block-like heads which had been stripped of all hair and characteristics. The individual holding the microphone began to speak again.

"Today, we will be offerings all of yous the chance to join the order through this wot we call 'showing off'. Me learned friend 'ere right next to me whose name is Clarence will show you what the order can do for yous all and that." The microphone was then passed to Clarence, who upon which a spotlight was pointed, the crowd hushed as he began to speak in an incredibly high voice

"As a young boy, my father would always say how I had such a small mouth, and when we'd go hunting he'd force me to eat the biggest piece of meat possible so he could laugh as I had trouble cramming it in me small chops. As a result of this childhood torture, for years I was extremely uncomfortable about the size of my mouth and would regularly attend therapy in which increasingly large planks of wood would be inserted into my mouth in an attempt to enlarge it. After hundreds of painful sessions, I decided to give up and was even contemplating ending my life. That's when the Order of the Ooze came into my life" a jingle saying 'The Order of the Ooze, Soothe Your Mood...ze' played in the background and a light illuminated the order's logo behind the stage. "Not only did the Order help me to heal my pain" Clarence continued "but it also increased my mouth span significantly in just 3 easy, painless steps." Clarence then passed the microphone back to its original owner, who continued; "So, yous just heard him speakin bout his girly mouff' an that! He's now gonna stick sommink in so you can see his progress as a result of being with The Order, can we have a volunteer from the audience". A few hands shot up into the air enthusiastically and a participant was chosen. Clambering onto the stage of tables, a scrawny old man inched towards Clarence who, without a moments notice, lifted the old man above his own head and leisurely inserted him slowly into his mouth, crunching as he went until the old man, whose face housed a horrified look, was no longer visible. As soon as the old man had disappeared, the member with the microphone instructed those interested to approach them for more details, and thus the show had ended and the Order began packing their things and making a hasty escape. The crowd erupted in applause as the show wound to a close, and as the people dispersed Pigglebottom stood transfixed on the spot where the stage once. The thought of 'I just saw an old man eaten alive by the people that I am supposed to be infiltrating...' crossed his mind. Suddenly, Pigglebottom needed to sit down.