The Reluctant Adventures of Pigglebottom Broadsword

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The next morning, Pigglebottom roused Poached and Scrambled from their noisy slumbers via the way of a quick kick to each's facial area. He proceeded to inform them of the circumstance, that he believed they were already at their destination and the Order's headquarters was just a short walk away from their present location. Hearing the information, Scrambled began to uncontrollably laugh in an incredibly goofy way, this sent Poached into a rage which consisted of him hammering Scrambled's head with one of the long-since burnt out twigs from the previous nights' fire. Once their squabble had come to its natural conclusion, the three of them decided to move onwards to the camp. Pigglebottom retraced his steps to the beach, then walked along it until he could see the faint outline of a building in the distance. As soon as it came into view, Poached repeatedly shouted "That's it!" and the group began hastily moving towards it. After an hour or so they reached the gates, viewing the building from afar did it's incredibly menacing exterior no favours whatsoever, and as a result, Pigglebottom's knees were clapping against each other in a whirlwind of worry. The building itself was something akin to a shoddily built castle, complete with 4 turrets on each corner and a gigantic drawbridge the height of which was roughly 4 Scrambleds stacked on top of each other. The structure consisted solely of bricks which were so crimson that it was almost as if they'd been formed from blood itself. Either side of the entrance were gigantic hanging tapestries, one with the Order's emblem, the other with a somewhat childishly drawn picture of a man, presumably their leader or someone of importance, standing atop a mound of bodies and clutching a bottle which clearly read 'Ooze' on it. Oddly, there was seemingly no one around, and not even the slightest noise could be heard. This at first worried Pigglebottom, however, the worry began to change as a result of his thought 'if they're not noisy then surely they're not bad people'. After some time of standing in awe at the gaudy building before him, Pigglebottom began to wonder why they were simply standing there, as such, he looked over to Poached who was breathing heavily and attempting to calm himself.

"What is it?" Pigglebottom enquired.

"We've come at the worst time..." Poached muttered, "they're gonna bloody hang me if we go in now". Before he could finish his sentence, Scrambled began loudly banging on the door, much to the displeasure of Poached who began rapidly kicking the back of Scrambled's left leg. Suddenly the door began to open, and behind it came a fairly normal looking man, dressed in the same robes that Pigglebottom had already witnessed at the event in Barbarianous. However, there was one instantly obvious thing about this man, he'd just woken up. His eyes were partly closed, his hair ruffled and untidy, and his trousers only partly done up.

"What you playing at coming here now? You know what time it is don't you?" the man enquired angrily.

"I'm sorry," Poached groveled "It was the idiot that done it not me, I was gonna wait for a while".

"I'll never understand why he thinks so highly of you two numpties, anyway, you best come in I guess" the man muttered unhappily as he slowly opened the door. Poached was the first to enter, followed by Scrambled who was a quick second, both of which were seemingly tiptoeing in. Pigglebottom followed soon after, and was met with a sight that was possibly the last thing he expected. Strewn across the floor of the courtyard were countless bodies lying down, fast asleep. Many had small blankets covering themselves, and some even had teddy bears and pacifiers to suck on.

"Watch where you're walking, its nap time!" Poached whispered to Pigglebottom as he tiptoed across the mounds of men. Unfortunately, as he'd turned his head to speak to Pigglebottom, Poached inadvertently stepped on the incredibly long earlobe of a man who, despite being wrapped up in a pink blank and clutching some sort of goblin effigy, looked incredibly terrifying. Thankfully he was in far too much of a deep sleep, and Poached continued traversing the minefield. The group inched their way to the side of the courtyard which had a long staircase leading to the multiple rooms upstairs overlooking said courtyard. Walking a few feet forward, then right, then left, then forward again, they found themselves at the end of a corridor as a door with the words 'Inner Sanctum' stood in front of them. Poached slowly and quietly turned around to Pigglebottom and muttered "right, so, with all the new recruits we bring 'em to the leader first to meet him, so you better be on your best behaviour otherwise this won't go very well, am I clear?"

"Clear" Pigglebottom responded as Scrambled began to slowly push on the large door revealing the room within. As the hinges on the door creaked, a noise was suddenly heard from deep within the 'inner sanctum'. As all the curtains had been drawn the room itself was pitch black which made it all the more unsettling. A roaring voice bellowed from within the dark depths shouting "how DARE YOU disturb MY NAP TIME!" as all of the ornaments in the room began to shake violently.

"I-I-I'm sorry my lord, you see" Poached replied before being swiftly cut off.

"Oh!" the voice suddenly reverted to a far more normal tone as the curtains suddenly whipped open and light filled the room "if it isn't me eggy boys!". The owner of the voice belonged to a slightly short, slightly fat man with glowing orange skin who sat on a badly assembled throne at the end of the room. His clothes, a long red gown emblazoned with pearls and jewels the likes of which Pigglebottom had never seen, shimmered in the sun rays which shined through the now-opened door. He was placed firmly atop 4 stacked cushions which elevated him slightly but mostly served to make him look even smaller than he was in comparison to the huge grandiosity of the throne. As he smiled, a single tooth was revealed from his mouth, as was about a liter of saliva which gushed out from between his lips. "Who ave you brought with ya" the leader sloppily spoke.

"Well, this is the newest recruit, his name is... er..." Poached replied

"Pigglebottom Broadsword, my name, that is... Sir... Lord... My King" Pigglebottom worriedly replied.

"This one ere quivers like an oozing bowl of jelly don't he?" The Leader replied guffawing with laughter, "I like a good coward, it's very easy to mold 'em into something else, also a bit like jelly, eh? Anyway, regardless of what you are you're welcome 'ere cause you've been brought by me two favourite boys, these two boys are like me right and left hands!" The leader proclaimed, the statement itself made Pigglebottom notice that the leader, in fact, had one arm which was slightly deformed and shorter than the other, Pigglebottom had a tough time deciding which hand Poached and Scrambled were respectively.

"Sorry to disturb yer nap there my Lord, we'll take the new recruit to the newbie cell where he can wait with the others for today's initiation" Poached informed the Leader in an incredibly reverent way as he gestured Pigglebottom to turn around and head for the door.

"Oh, and Poached" the leader continued "make sure the recruits are unaware of what it entails eh? I love seeing the look on their faces when they see what they have to do, its one of me sole pleasures in life".

"Right you are my Lord" said Poached as he silently dragged Pigglebottom down the stairs, over the still-sleeping bodies and into the dungeons below.