The Reluctant Adventures of Pigglebottom Broadsword

Chapter Twenty-Five

The next morning, Pigglebottom was roused from his slumber by the smells of breakfast and the collective shrieks and groans of various men, which made him wonder if they were engaging in whatever the 'squash' activity was (it was, in fact, a particularly rigorous game of erotic tennis). Pigglebottom decided, whilst dining on his surprisingly substantial yet oddly arranged breakfast of a single sausage and two boiled eggs, that now would be the best time to gather information regarding which island the Order of the Ooze's headquarters was located on and how best to travel to it. Upon settling his bill, Pigglebottom left Slim Willies' and clambered back out onto the street where he saw the same red-eyed individual from the day before who was stood, hammering his fist against a post box whilst shouting "Gaffa I'm 'ere today, just let me in will ya I wanna work!". Pigglebottom contemplated whether or not to inform the near-sighted individual that he was again incorrect, but stopped upon seeing a small door open at the back of the post box, through which a creature akin to a rat but twice as large and walking on two legs walked out of and began giving the red-eyed fellow a stern telling off for not showing up to work the day before.

After a short while of wandering the dusty streets of Barbarianous, Pigglebottom happened upon a small kiosk with a hand-painted sign hanging precariously above its small entrance which read 'All Sorts of Informations About All Sorts of Fings'. Hoping to find even the smallest slither of information regarding how to continue his journey he quickly entered, however, it was soon apparent that the situation was not as it appeared.

The room itself was a somewhat dark and dingy affair with mould growing in each corner of the room and a strange stagnant smell hanging in the air. Behind the counter sat two men who at first appeared to be the same height, but once they rose to their feet it became apparent that one was half the size of Pigglebottom and had simply been sitting on a raised chair. They were an odd pair, the larger of the two had dark green skin, pointed ears atop his bald head and a mostly toothless smile permanently etched onto his face which made him appear to be quite the simpleton. The smaller of the pair shared the same skin tone and pointed ears but his ears were obstructed by a thick head of hair which had seemingly been shaped into what to Pigglebottom resembled an upside down ice cream cone with the end bitten off. Their clothes were incredibly bland as they both wore grey coloured all-in-one tracksuits, the only adornment being their respective name tags, the taller's read; 'Scrambled', the other's; 'Poached'. The smaller one, now blocked from view as a result of the counter, began to speak first. "Yes sir, how might I troubles yous on this somewhat fine day of a day?" he spoke, somewhat quietly due to the obstructing office furniture. The larger (Scrambled) began to speak "Allo..." a long pause then occurred, with no individuals muttering anything for some time until Scrambled spoke again "Allo?". Sensing this was his cue, Pigglebottom replied with a friendly hello, which caused Scrambled's mouth to widen even further to the point that a tooth at the back of his mouth was heard cracking as result of the increase in pressure.

"I'm wondering if you can help me, I'm trying to get to an island South-East of Barbarianous but I'm not entirely sure how to get there".

"Don't ya worry about that, we know where you wanna go, to the Order of the Ooze, I'm right int I?" Poached shouted from the other side of the counter.

Pigglebottom, somewhat surprised and reluctant to admit this began to sweat profusely "H-h-how did you know?".

"Me bruvva ere's a clairvoyant, he can see the fewcher" Poached slurred "don't ya?" he asked Scrambled, who, in his infinite clairvoyant wisdom replied "Allo..." with the same gormless look before.

"I see, how do you know what he knows though if all he says is 'allo'?" Pigglebottom enquired confusingly.

"All right, you got me alright? It's obvious he int a clairvoyant, he can't even spell the letter A let alone 'ave the ability for precognitions", Poached replied in a somewhat irritated fashion, "look, you wanna join the order don't ya? Either that or yous lookin' for Slim Willies, it's the only two reasons people bother comin' 'ere anymore, so what it is, ooze or squash?". Pigglebottom again unconsciously covered his crotch at the thought of engaging in 'squash'.

"Ooze" he muttered, "I want to join the order..." Pigglebottom decided in that moment that perhaps his best chance was to infiltrate the group from the inside, he then instantly reconsidered after thinking the word 'infiltrate' sounded incredibly dangerous and far above his skill set, however, it was too late.

"Ooze it is, I knew it, so did you dint ya Scrambled!" said Poached, to which Scrambled responded with an unsurprising 'Allo'. "Well that's good you're willing" Poached continued, "'cause this ain't actually an information booth ya see, it's actually a front for recruiting people to the orders, meself and Scrambled ere are the honoured leader's right and left-hand men, to tell you the truth, even if you'd said no we woulda grabbed ya and taken you there anyway, that's just the kind of group we is" Poached replied whilst roaring with laughter, Scrambled joined in tittering to himself quietly.

"I see" Pigglebottom muttered to himself "so what exactly do I need to do to sign up".

"Well its pretty simple really, since we usually kidnap people and that there's not really any paperworks and such to 'andle so all you need to do is wait for us to lock up then we're off, usually we tie people up and stick em somewhere till its time but since you're 'ere of your own volition you can just sit next to the water-less water cooler over there and wait a bit whilst we close up, we leave in about 'alf 'our." Poached said as he pushed a chair up to the door and clambered onto it to lock up.

"So, how long does it exactly take to get to this island?" Pigglebottom enquired as he propped himself up against the dusty water cooler.

"Well, me protocols prohibit me from telling you any information yet regarding the location of the island so I can't tell you anything. But what I can tell you is you should expect to be there within at least the next month, possibly quicker, possibly longer" Poached stated.

"Well, that's nice and ambiguous" Pigglebottom muttered to himself.