Blonde Ivory

Number Eleven: h.m.s.

Hayden Sterling

Diary Entry #3

Date: November 6th

Hello, Journal, so I have some things to share with you. Firstly, the thing I know you must be wondering about was my meeting with Dr. Townsend. To my surprise, it wasn't as bad as I remember. Or she wasn't as bad as I remember, rather. She was more calm and collected. She spoke as if she actually thought about what she was saying and she moved as if she thought about every movement. She was more together and mature than I remember. I've only had one meeting with her and I'm in the car ride to my second meeting, but so far so good. She hasn't tried anything this time.

Don't tell anybody this... But she can pretend to be professional all she wants, but I can't stop seeing the past. Every time she speaks, I hear her moans in my ear and I hear her sick demands or degrading comments. Every time we make eye contact, I see her eyes clenching shut once she reaches satisfaction. Every time she moves her arms, I see her taking off her shirt and exposing herself to me. I see her resting her feet against the arms of her chair and her finger urging me to come forward.

Just because she's changed doesn't mean her memory carved in my mind can be erased. It'll always be there. I'm always going to remember her as Dr. Townsend- the forty-something woman that I had sex with when we were hurting. I'm always going to see her has the one who did more harm than good. I hate it just as much as she does. I'm sure every time she sees me, she sees the polar opposite of what I see her as.

An innocent, young girl who gave her immense pleasure despite tears constantly falling down my cheeks and moans that I tried to hold back so hard that they tore my throat when they managed to escape.

I suppose somewhere deep inside me, I appreciate that she's trying to change; that she's trying to move past the image I have for her by default. However, the darkest part of me can't appreciate that she won't acknowledge what she's done. I can't appreciate that she pretends it never happened- forcing me to believe that it was never a big deal when I know in my head that it was a big deal, but every time she avoids bringing it up when she has the perfect opportunity forces me to think that maybe I'm just crazy. WHEN I KNOW THAT I AM NOT CRAZY!

I can't move on from it if she doesn't give me closure. I can't move on if she won't even give me that privilege. I hate her for it and I hate myself for not being able to move on by myself without her help. How weak can I be? Needing the help of my rapist to move on from the rape they committed.

I guess what she did wasn't really rape. Not in a legal standpoint so there's nothing I could really ever do. Nothing she did to me could compare to what was done to Macha when we were in school. I'm not supposed to tell anybody this but considering you're a journal that lives in my nightstand, I highly doubt anybody new will find out about it.

Back when we were all in school, it was our tenth-grade year, and we all shared this Geometry teacher- Mr. McHannon. He was this tall man with a bigger upper half and skinny legs. He had the shape of someone who drank beer every day but never bothered to exercise their legs. His appearance wasn't helped by his overgrown beard or his lack of hair on his scalp or eczema growing on one half of his face. He would always sweat through his suit jackets and he tried to subtly scratch his genitals when he sat down at his desk.

But none of that matters. It wouldn't matter if he was the hottest man in the world or if he cared slightly about his hygiene. None of that would change what he did to Macha. Not one million apologies could ever make up for what he did to her.

Macha had only had sex with one other person before Mr. McHannon decided she was perfect to prey on. I should perhaps mention that the person she lost her virginity to was Kasey's triplet brother- Arlo. (A'Kambri is the oldest, then Kasey or Akacia, and then Arlo). That's how Kasey and Macha met. Arlo and Macha had only dated for a few weeks, barely a month and then they broke up right after they fucked. Kasey thought Macha was an interesting girl because even though Macha and Arlo were dating- she spent most of her time hanging out with Kasey. Then they became best friends.