Blonde Ivory

16: Kasey Afolabi

Kasey Afolabi (Drummer of Blonde Ivory)

One of my favorite things to do in interviews is let reporters know just how happy I'd be anywhere else doing literally anything else. When I'm not answering their questions with thoughtless answers, I like to mention to them how I would've been happier pursuing my first plan for my life.

For example, "If I'd become a dentist, I would've still had my freedom."

More recently, I've discovered my love for shoving reporters down to a lower level. I like saying subtle things that make them tick. I also, most of the time, like saying petty things that they, in particular, have no control over.

For example, "If I'd gotten pregnant when I was a nobody, nobody would've given a shit, but now that I'm pregnant with Alfonso Rodriguez's baby- everybody wants to say something."

One of the reasons that that is my response is because obviously, it isn't true. I'm not pregnant and I'm still a virgin. They don't know that though. When I first said this, it was a joke and everyone was too dumb and inexperienced in my company to realize that I'd been sarcastic. I went to Alfonso's apartment immediately when the magazines came out with the headline "Kasey ACTUALLY Pregnant? The star reveals all!" spread out across all the grocery stores my family goes to.

I got a text from my mom saying, "Akacia. I know damn well this better be a fucking lie. Too young to have a baby." And... She's right. I'd gone over to Alfonso's apartment to make sure he knew that it was just reporters taking my words too seriously.

He opened the door in a floral print shirt and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. "Well," he laughed, "If it isn't my glowing baby mama." To keep a long story short, he thought the whole ordeal was funny so we've been milking it for all it's worth.

We've been tweeting the baby emojis with random numbers. We've been going out more and more in public as a couple too. When Mark found out that Alfonso and I were giving our sexless relationship a shot, he grilled us and made us promise to be more private with our actions. He called us in for a meeting in a few hours, and I can't wait to see how angry he's going to be about this ordeal.

I can already imagine:

He'll be pacing his office while Alfonso and I sit side by side with our fingers interlocked. We will make random eye contact every few seconds and try not to laugh at the intensely awkward atmosphere.

"The only solution..." He'd begin slowly, and Alfonso and I would wear our poker faces tightly on our faces so that he wouldn't get even angrier at how little we care about what the press thinks, "... is to clear this up as soon as possible. By two o'clock tomorrow I want it to be all over social media that you guys were just having a little fun. It was all just a joke." He'd pause, turn around, and look up and down at our posture and expressions.

"Am I clear?" He'd ask through clenched teeth. Alfonso and I would look at each other for a few seconds before we'd turn back to Mark and we'd both nod. That would be the end of it. No big deal.

We'll see.

Until that happens, I've settled on messing with Shiloh and Taelyn. They've decided that the next step in their relationship is to hang out at each other's apartments so that they can post pictures in their pajamas. Or... The more risque, sexual pictures that I must admit are kind of interesting to look at.

For example, last night at midnight, Taelyn posted a picture of Shiloh laying on the bed, naked, only covered by their ultrathin white sheets, staring at the camera above her, and kissing Taelyn's palm. With the black and white filter. Noir things are kind of Taelyn's thing. It's his whole aesthetic on Instagram.