Blonde Ivory

Number Nineteen: h.m.s.

Hayden Sterling

Diary Entry #5

Date: December 7th

Hello Journal, I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to write. I don't know what's going on, but my inspiration has hit a rock. Not just my inspiration to write music, but also my motivation to do anything. It might just be that I've devoting nearly every waking moment to writing music- except, of course, when I'm taking a break with Connor. I want to think that my drought of ideas is just from using everything I can think of and after I take a trip somewhere and get inspired, that feeling will come back.

Something tells me that isn't the case. I mean... I have never felt so mentally exhausted; so mentally drained. It's like I can't even do anything else. Sometimes I tell myself that if I make the walk to Connor's that he'll put me in a good mood, but as of lately, I don't even have the motivation to do so.

I asked Dr. Townsend if she could prescribe me a higher dosage of Imipramine. She said that she's already prescribing me the highest recommended dosage- even for the most depressed of her patients. If that is the case, then why is it that I've suddenly plummeted to lower than I used to be?

I used to be able to at the very least do everything I needed to- like go to a photoshoot, go to an interview, go out to lunch with Julie and Emmy, or even something as simple as feeling passion whenever Connor touches me. Now, I can't even stand without feeling nauseous. Then I run to the toilet and have to dry-heave for a good five minutes because I've been unable to keep anything down.

Don't tell anyone this, even though everyone can probably tell, but... I've lost fifteen pounds since I started taking this antidepressant. How is that even possible? It has only been a few weeks.

I just... I'm hardly hungry anymore. I maybe eat one time a day sometimes two but only if the second thing is a small snack. Then, everything I do eat, I end up puking up.

Connor keeps urging me to go to the doctor about it because he's the one who sees me the most nowadays and noticed my weight loss and absence of appetite immediately.

I told him that there was no point in going because Dr. Townsend explained to me that all of the symptoms happening now are temporary. The long-term outcome- the reason I should continue taking the medication- is that my depression will be gone. So... Of course I had to ask him which he'd prefer me be: depressed and at a healthy weight or finally happy and a little thin?

He didn't answer. He just sighed and cuddled me on the bed. I slept the entire day and night and woke up at around three a.m. the next morning. Now here I am... Writing this just to prove that I am inspired enough to do something. Even this is a struggle and honestly I miss Connor's warm body. My bed doesn't get warm no matter how long I lay here- maybe it's because I'm alone. Either way, I miss his warmth even though I keep waking up drenched in sweat.

Perhaps I've developed overactive glands. I don't know. Either way, not much has happened in my life since I've been in a drought of inspiration. Actually that's a lie. The truth is I've just been too exhausted to keep track of everything. I finished around twenty-something songs (don't judge me. I'm allowed to not keep track of the exact number)

Then Julie called me up to her office to chill with her and Emmy. Connor accompanied me because that's how we've always done it. I was thankful he decided to go this time because by the time I made the walk to the elevator, I nearly fainted. It was like my energy was on a .5 out of 10 and walking to the elevator drained the last bit of it. I leaned on Connor the whole day, but thankfully he likes being touched and didn't mind very much.