Blonde Ivory

Number Thirty-Nine: h.m.s.

Hayden Sterling

Diary Entry #10

Date: February 24th

Dearest Journal, you've been an honorable friend. I could tell you things that I couldn't tell anybody else. I could get things off my chest. I could tell you my deepest regrets and my darkest secrets. I suppose it's time that the truth comes out once for all.

I knew I'd be writing this letter, I just didn't know it would take this long. After I got back from Egypt, I planned on lasting maybe another week at most. I wanted to say goodbye, once and for all. I wanted to fix all my relationships. I wanted to spill all my secrets and let everyone know exactly what's been happening, but I guess when I got back, I missed everyone too much for that to be the end.

Now, though, I'm sure everybody hates me. I know that everyone is sick of my bullshit. I must admit that I'm sick of it too. I don't understand why I even bothered lasting this long. Why did I even bother telling everyone the truth and telling them how much I loved and appreciated them? That didn't make them hate me. Me being me is what made them hate me. Me being a sick little baby and making no sure signs of recovery is what made them all hate me.

How long can I be sick? At this point, it's gotten excessive. My mental illness is no longer a mental illness. It has become a trivial part of conversation. People no longer say, "You can come to me for help." They say, "You're still suffering from that? Can you at least make an effort to get better?"

I have. I have tried for so long to get better. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of trying and failing, trying harder and falling down lower, and hurting everyone and making them hate me. That's why I have to do this. Maybe I don't have to. That was the wrong wording.

That's why I want to do this. That's why I'm writing this letter. The voices in my head aren't making me do this. This is something I'm doing for myself because it's something that I want to do. Somehow that's what makes this sickening yet relieving all at the same time.

There's so many things that I need and want to say in this letter, so I won't dwell too much on the small things. I won't dwell on my mental illnesses or Dr. Townsend or my mother being a human vegetable.

I've already taken the sleeping pills that Shiloh gave me... I need to make this quick. Mainly, I just want to say thank you to everyone and that I'm sorry to everyone.

I want to apologize, firstly, to my father. I know I did this in my last entry, but I must admit that I thought my last entry was going to be my last. As you can now see, this one is my last. I love you so much. I wish I got to say goodbye in person. I wish I got to spend more time with you before I did this. That will probably be my worst regret. I spent two weeks with 'Ami in Egypt, and I only spent a couple of hours with you when I got back.

You're the best father a kid could ask for. I didn't deserve you. You didn't deserve a daughter like me. You didn't deserve a mentally ill daughter that preferred the company of her imagined mother rather than the company of her father who sacrificed everything to give her a wonderful life. I should've been more appreciative of that, but I wasn't.

For that I'm sorry. I was a stupid kid. I overlooked everything except the fact that I didn't have a mother. I see now all that you've done for me. I love you. I hope you'll forgive me for the sin that I'm about to commit. Ask Allah to take mercy on my soul and to understand why I'm doing this. I don't feel worthy enough to speak to him anymore, but you are.

The next person would have to be Connor. You've been the human version of my journal. I could tell you everything except that one thing... That's my other regret. That I couldn't tell you who I cheated with. I wish you could understand that it wasn't because I didn't love you. I love  you so much. If soulmates were real, you were mine. I didn't cheat because I wanted to. I cheated because I thought that I needed to.

I won't go into further detail because I said that I wouldn't. Just know that I love you more than words could ever express. I'm sorry I hurt you so bad. If I could do things differently, I assure you that I would. I would treat you better. I would be more honest with you about things. I'm sorry.

The last few people can be grouped together, I suppose. Kasey, Shiloh, and Macha. My three best and only friends. I appreciate the endless support you guys gave me. I know things have been hard. I know it's hard not knowing whether you guys can be honest with me all the time because you're scared it will hurt me or that I'm not strong enough to handle it. I know that it's hard wearing a smile and pretending my mental illness doesn't hurt you guys. I know... And I'm sorry.

I wish I could snap my fingers and heal myself. I swear I would if I could. It just doesn't work that way and you have no idea how much I wish it did. I love you guys so much. Thank you for always standing beside me and supporting me when I needed you most.

All of you, please understand that this is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. I just can't handle life. I wasn't made for it. I'm too sensitive. I'm tired of suffering. I know that I can't be healed. I know that there are many things, many feelings, many disappointments that will forever be inside of me. This is the only way. Please understand...

I need to go now. I need to get in the bathtub, and the pills are already taking affect.

Goodbye.

Hayden Isis Masika Sterling